Row row row your boat… Gently down the sea… Merrily merrily… Ahou ga.

5 thoughts on “Row row row your boat… Gently down the sea… Merrily merrily… Ahou ga.”

1. It?EUR(TM)s hot?EUR? I?EUR(TM)m thirsty
   Fujita-san? It’s me… it’s been a while. The last time I saw you, you bought me soba.
   An old friend?EUR? Familiar, I look up and see that face, the face that brought me indescribable happiness and excruciating pain at the same time?EUR?
   Oh, she’s gone up to bed. Well, the pears made her sleepy. You always came for favors – now may I ask you for one? To sit here and speak with me, and -listen- to me?
   I sit but do not look her straight in the eye. Why I can?EUR(TM)t?EUR? I do not know.
   I didn’t come to lecture or meddle in your affairs. I’m just afraid… because she’s been wondering, for the first time since that one time you left her… about merging with me, the implications of it, how it would affect you and Makoto. Even though she knows what it would be. She would lose herself… didn’t she tell you once? All of her memories, the things that make her -her-. Because you can’t take two women and make them into one woman. It’s a very imperfect solution and I told her as such and she seems off of it. I think the last thing you would want would be to lose her like that. But to her… she wants to offer you… perfect.
   How many times do I have to tell them?EUR? I understand this?EUR?
   That means… a blue sky with no clouds. Free from the pain of the past. A new start? She’s -stubborn-, she saw someone, somewhere who could, and it only makes her feel so inadequate. Because she thinks you deserve something perfect and untouched. Something more than she can give…
   Only a fool wants perfection. I certainly am not perfect?EUR? *scowls* Why was it that she lied to me? Why couldn?EUR(TM)t she just say ?EUR“she- bothered her?EUR? I knew it wasn?EUR(TM)t Tokio. If she?EUR(TM)d just open that damned mouth and stop smiling at me and tell me the truth for once!

2. Until you can forgive yourself… and accept her forgiveness… she’s always going to be afraid, even if she won’t admit it. That again you’ll think it’s not worth it, she’s not worth it. You know that’s part of it? To accept the forgiveness. To know that you’re worthy of it, to get your Hime-sama back. To make sense of what had happened in the past. That’s what made that afternoon in the garden so special. Where … eh… *looks away and blushes* she had forgiven you already… but it just wasn’t her accepting you back that day. You were accepting her forgiveness and love… and after that you never had to look back on that night again as something terrible that would destroy you.
   I remember that night?EUR? A very foul one. I wanted to turn her away?EUR? So I raped her. I wanted her to despise me, to loathe me?EUR? We couldn?EUR(TM)t keep doing what we did. She can?EUR(TM)t keep on loving someone like me. I was?EUR? looking for comfort. I didn?EUR(TM)t love her. I had a wife whose attention I craved… I used her, partly to get back at my wife, partly to satisfy my needs?EUR? Each afternoon before I went back to that broken house, I would stop by her place just because she made me feel wanted, needed and alive?EUR? She loved me and I didn?EUR(TM)t love her. It was for fun and play, until my conscience ate up at me. How could I do this to a friend? My brother?EUR(TM)s woman? There was nothing for us, there should not be?EUR? But she forgave me, in that garden where our child was conceived, she accepted me back and something changed?EUR? I was amazed?EUR? I was humbled?EUR? I was in ?EUR“awe-?EUR? My eyes wanted to look at no other?EUR? It was still wrong by my beliefs?EUR? By society?EUR(TM)s standards?EUR? But that didn?EUR(TM)t matter?EUR? They didn?EUR(TM)t matter. I started loving that woman with those soft brown eyes.
   Didn?EUR(TM)t I say?EUR? I will not leave without letting her know? Hell that I will not leave at ALL! But I did?EUR? This time completely, even if it was to get her back?EUR? Even if it worked?EUR? Is that enough to warrant forgiveness? I don?EUR(TM)t know. I chose to break my word. How can you forgive something contemplated?EUR? Done deliberately?
   The difference in us, you see… she came first and then the plans changed. I was -made- for Souji, a Souji who was alive in 1878. She was made to have him in her past… but her present would be a choice. And she chose -you-, Fujita-san. The whole world out there… and she chose you, came alive, became -real- to be with you. *looks down* To see the one… who I know was so unhappy, trapped in limbo… when she would come back from being with you, gloriously happy, eyes shining, with such a smile… *looks up* It was so amazing to see. There are those in our lives that we love unconditionally by circumstances – parents, children… but to -chose- to love someone like that? You’ve always been her choice. You and no other.
   To be free is important?EUR? To be given a choice as well?EUR? Old words I told her when we parted?EUR? When she left me. If she was happy?EUR? Then why did she leave me? If I was her choice?EUR? Why didn?EUR(TM)t your sister stay. I could?EUR(TM)ve moved mountains for her. I loved her?EUR? We wouldn?EUR(TM)t have missed so much?EUR? I let her be alone, like that in the past in Kyoto, when she needed someone?EUR? I wasn?EUR(TM)t there.

3. Was it a mistake to make another Hide? After she learned that Souji would be alive in that place, my writer had this -idea- of a devoted woman who waited for years… and that’s where I came from. A different voice – a different temperament was needed. Your Hide wouldn’t have stood for it. *smiles* She would have put on her Hidejiro costume and chased after him – not waited ten years for confirmation as I did. She’s so -frighteningly- tenacious… you know that about her by now? I accept things… resigned that Souji left without a word, that he returned my letters, that he never told me goodbye… but the young man she loved respected her enough to not keep it from her. To provide what comfort she could, even when he was send to Edo. A slow and gentle goodbye… and it freed her. She was sad but it left her free… free to love again. Free to love you. And I… I never regretted existing. Even if it came to cause her pain… I’m glad that I was there to be in that story. I’m maybe a bit selfish, but I think all of us creatures of pseudo-writers want to live.
   I hated you?EUR?Your existence kept her away from me?EUR? Do you know that? But you were someone she loved and I couldn?EUR(TM)t keep on hating you. And I promised I?EUR(TM)d take care of you somehow?EUR? I tried but I wanted to be with my daughter and her. To stay at that place was no longer an option when all I see are ghosts and I knew, how it hurt her everytime I tried to work things out with my ?EUR“supposed- wife.
   She always broke barriers. I didn’t speak to the writer like she did. She stood up for me… I used to think it was her way of living so I let her. I felt bad… taking her place. And then when you spoke of dating Hide and she made her move, stabbing poor Safety-san. *shakes head* It was amazing to sit on the sidelines and watch her for a change.
   I know that. I wouldn?EUR(TM)t have seen her if she didn?EUR(TM)t. She was always a strong woman.
   But those of us known as Yagi Hide are -loyal-. I remain loyal to the Souji I knew… even if he treated me poorly I waited half my life to find him again. She accepted the death of the Souji she knew… and was ready to be happy again, her story was to be about a thirty-two year old woman finally finding her life. It was more than just him for her to get over, you know. It was the loss of so many of the people she knew. Her father… he had a stroke the day he heard about what they did to Kondou-san. Her mother slowly declined. Her brother married and she was no longer useful to -anyone-. Her cousins were kept from her due to -politics- of their dead husbands. I came to Tokyo to find Souji. She came to find herself. And she did.
   Souji is a dear friend of mine, but I hated him too both for dying.. and for being alive. He was an oxymoron?EUR? A bestfriend and an enemy at the same time?EUR? He left her too?EUR? I was ?EUR“supposed- to be there. Do you not understand? The very first day she spoke to me of her mother and her life in Kyoto after the war, it was my role to be ?EUR“there- when I am needed! Perhaps not be there at all times?EUR? But to be there when it is important?EUR?
   Had she not jumped ahead… came to this time alone… I would have asked her not to be like she was. The first time I saw her in 1885, it broke my heart. What she turned herself into. Not what you would have wanted for her… cold and angry. To make herself strong enough to survive without hope – what a shell she had built up. She told me you wrote of her hating you… she didn’t. In those days she hated herself too much to hate anyone else. Angry at -herself- for how inept she was, how she was letting a miracle slip through her fingers. But she wasn’t as bad as she thought she was… ask her about the night Makoto was born. What kept her alive and fighting that night.
   That was my doing?EUR? She hated herself because of me. I was a manipulative man and she could not keep up. No?EUR? I will not ask. A man who couldn?EUR(TM)t be where he was supposed to be have no right to know nor ask.

4. I have -hope- for you and her, Fujita-san. *smiles softly* I won’t grant her the escape she’s thinks is her last resort. We’ll remain as we always have been… two versions. And you were incorrect that she split from me because of Souji’s unfaithfulness. Remember… I knew nothing about that, that ehh… other “lady”. The writer was upset. My sister spoke up more, as me, forme. She always spoke up for me. *smiles* And here I am, speaking up for her, finally.
   That escape that you speak of?EUR? I never wanted it in the first place. I just wanted her to be honest with me. That I can have the right to be angry, but her to know that even when I am?EUR? It doesn?EUR(TM)t change the fact that I still love her, because if it ever came to the point that I did not question her and or get angry?EUR? Then she?EUR(TM)ll know that I do not care nor respect her. She?EUR(TM)ll know I?EUR(TM)m not listening and that there?EUR(TM)s nothing else but apathy. But I think she confuses my silence for apathy?EUR?
   I don’t know you so well, Fujita-san. I hear -of- you…*laughs again behind her hand* Ehh.. sometimes she should keep some things um… private. *blushes, looks away* I see how devoted you are… how much you love her. And she knows it… and this time revels in it. You drew her out again. Made her find you in the places… I don’t understand all of it. *shakes head* I cross universes but the little places outside of time the two of you find… I think that’s something special for the two of you.
   That?EUR(TM)s where we started?EUR? And no you can?EUR(TM)t share in it?EUR? As for drawing her out?EUR? I?EUR(TM)ll repeat everything again, bat my eyelashes, wear a tight shirt, steal, lie, flirt, get shot, get maimed, have amnesia or whatever it takes to get her to come to me. Hell even post up crappy songs and embarrassing pictures of myself and ?EUR“her-.
   One last favor? From one good old friend to another? Take care of her. Only you can, in the way she needs. I want to hear… that she’s smiling. That she laughs… that you two are making a mess of the futon. *coughs, blushes again* That she has someone to hold her and comfort her when she cries… that she has someone to devote herself to, to take care of and cook for. Someone who will include her in his life, talk to her… the person she’s needed all along. Don’t let the past weigh you down when your future is so wide open and free… take her hand and fly. Alone you’re bound to the earth – together you can soar in that blue sky and among the stars.
   You don?EUR(TM)t have to tell me that! I know it! I love her and I WILL DO IT! Onna go back to your Souji. AND TELL THE AHOU IN HIS GRAVE THAT HE NEEDS TO STOP DYING. IT?EUR(TM)S VERY INCONVENIENT!
   Find that place where the sky will be blue… and do remember… just because there are clouds, doesn’t mean that it’s going to rain. I need to get back… this isn’t my place but I needed to help her for once.*turns, pausing at the door to face him again* Thank you, Fujita-san. *looks down, and then up at him, and bows* You will of course take care of yourself! *smiles, turns away and leaves*
   Of course I?EUR(TM)ll take care of myself?EUR? *scowls* My time is not yet done. I have a daughter who doesn?EUR(TM)t know me and?EUR? a lover who?EUR(TM)s not yet my wife?EUR? AND BY KAMI?EUR? SHE WILL BE AND WE?EUR(TM)LL HAVE A DOZEN LITTLE MONSTERS *cough cough* I MEAN CHILDREN TO RANSACK THE HOUSE! And I?EUR(TM)ll enjoy making each of them ONE BY ONE?EUR? Just like I did with Makoto.

5. Slowly I open my eyes?EUR? The sound of the water as it meets with hull of the vessel?EUR? It?EUR(TM)s been a long time since I?EUR(TM)ve thought about her sister and who was that?
   ?EURoeYamaguchi!!!!!?EUR?
   Huh?
   ?EURoeDamn it! Pull the net NOW!?EUR?
   What?
   Looking around, I see?EUR? My hands are still bleeding from those damn sea urchins?EUR? And yes, I ?EUR“do- have work to do. I grin and stand up.
   ?EURoeSumanai Miyake-san. I?EUR(TM)ll do that right now.?EUR?
   He scowls and?EUR? I do not feel angry for some reason.
   ?EURoeA little sun won?EUR(TM)t kill you.?EUR?
   ?EURoeNo it won?EUR(TM)t.?EUR? I take the pulley and indicate to Kano that I need help?EUR? We pull and I of course get my shirt wet. A sign of a novice I guess?EUR?
   The shimmering of the ocean as it?EUR(TM)s struck by the golden sun?EUR? Is quite agreeable to the eyes?EUR?
   ?EURoePULL!!!?EUR? Miyake shouts. And I wince a bit. This thing is ?EUR“heavy-! How in the world can two men do this? But we manage and the next thing I know I?EUR(TM)m drenched with what seems like a horrid amount of flapping silver fish on my feet.
   ?EURoeThat?EUR(TM)s a nice catch. We?EUR(TM)ll make a lot it seems today.?EUR?
   Kano helps me up. So he was a hunchback?EUR?
   ?EURoeThis your first time huh Yamaguchi-san??EUR?
   ?EURoeAh yes?EUR??EUR? I smirk, ?EURoeIt shows??EUR?
   ?EURoeYes..?EUR? He laughs and I let it pass.
   ?EURoeWell don?EUR(TM)t just stand there! Get the iceblock! If you?EUR(TM)re lucky enough I might give you some to take home.?EUR?
   (OOC: Ends thread)

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