I have made lists and lists of lists and I still don’t feel like I have it all down. Guests coming in a matter of days. People switching rooms. A baby coming.
I remember we fled Ito with so little, but now it feels like we have a lot. Perhaps whatever forces make things work got all of my kimono here – although I would have liked it if the handful of mementos I had of Makoto’s early days had made it here.
And then of course, getting ready for the baby. It will be easier this time. Not only do I have Hajime here – but Yukiko-san will be a great help. But I must make sure she gets out for something fun, and not just being a mother’s help. Perhaps Eiji-san would be willing? Well, I’m certain he will, and after all, this house isn’t conductive to private conversations.
Tsutomu-kun still -looks- at me. He’s also not eating much these days – at least, not at home. Did Hajime have a chance to talk to him about that night? What has Hajime said to him overall about what happens between a man and a woman? Otou-san had managed to find time to explain things to Tamebo, but from what I understand, Tamebo in turn had to have the talk with Yuubo. I’m just glad that it wasn’t left to me… I wouldn’t have any useful guidance for him.
And how did Hajime learn it? His father was dead by then, right? And who was his first? My first is still such a sticking point that I’ve never though to ask. Was he taken to a professional, as most young men are (to my limited understanding)? Or did he find someone else who was willing to take him without anything in return?
Shaking my head, I try to finish cleaning out the built-in storage in my “old” room. Winter things… both his and mine. I grin a little – he’s never said if he approves or disapproves of my excellent laundry skills with his uniforms. I’ll have to find some way to keep hands-on with that. Yukiko-san doesn’t enjoy laundry, and should she marry Kinosuke-san… that’s one of the first thing a housewife hands over to a servant.
Then, finally, the little book that’s become my diary – not of everyday things, but of my past. One day I’ll give it to Hajime, maybe. But for now I have to keep it safe, and it has to be in this place – other places may be safer but here I know that it will remain as I wrote it. I leave the set of little keys for Yukiko-san to squirrel away her treasures.
And then my household accounts. On the back of the last page, I jotted down ideas for names for this child. Ones I carefully considered, kanji dictionary in hand. We’ve not really talked about the name, apart from that one short afternoon when he first came home. It -is- hard living up to the symbolic perfection of Makoto’s name. But there’s one name, should I have a daughter, that I can’t shake.
Standing up, I take one last look around our old room. Maybe we’ll return, upstairs, as we have more children and find that this old room is best. For now, though, I really don’t mind the raised bed when it comes to getting up…
(OOC – Hide is busy going back and forth between the rooms and can be interrupted as needed. If not, will close thread and move one shortly.)
I’m home by evening. The kids were playing in the tatami room and in a way I’m glad Tomu decided not to go to that dojo tonight. That would’ve been a surprise. But starting tomorrow I’ll have to keep a closer eye on him. I go to our new room but don’t find Hide there and Yukiko was the only one in the kitchen so she must be upstairs -organizing-.
I go up there quietly and see her going through our things, clothes but she stops and looks at a small notebook gingerly looking through it’s pages. She closes it and leaves a set of keys. I assume for Yukiko as she’ll be staying here.
Her eyes sweep the room and I wonder what’s going on in her mind.
I cough as I come in hopefully not to frighten her. “We’re only moving downstairs.” I smile at her a little. It’s always good to see her.
“We’re only moving downstairs
I almost jump at his cough – I was deep into my thoughts. I put away my things and go to him, and put my arms around him and my lips to his in a brief kiss. “Good evening, Hajime.”
I stand back and survey the room. “I wanted to make sure it was -thoroughly- cleaned out before handing it over – Yukiko-san was so shocked at catching us -kissing-, I’m afraid that finding some of the photos would have her on the first train back home.” I grin a little. Not just for the ones of me, but the ones of -us-.
We kiss as a greeting. “I’m sorry I scared you. You had such a far off look on your face, I thought it’d be rude to interrupt.” I look around the room, it’s neat, ready for it’s new occupant. “What’s was on your mind?”
“I wanted to make sure it was -thoroughly- cleaned out before handing it over – Yukiko-san was so shocked at catching us -kissing-, I’m afraid that finding some of the photos would have her on the first train back home.”
“Well I’m sure you have those photos under lock and key.” I hold her hand. “Now is there something I can help you with? Take your things downstairs for example?” I look at the items she put aside.
I’m sorry I scared you. You had such a far off look on your face, I thought it’d be rude to interrupt. What’s was on your mind?
“Not scared! After all, who could it be -but- my Ookami-sama?” I lean back against him and grin up, toying with his bangs. “Makoto would just run in. I don’t think Tsutomu-kun would stop in, and Yukiko-san would knock.”
I hold up my household ledger. “I was thinking that we still haven’t named the little one. The advantage – one of many – for Makoto’s name was that it suited a boy as well.” I laugh a little. “The clerk at the temple I took Makoto to for her naming ceremony wanted to be sure that I was very certain, given that she was a girl.”
I look up at him. “Have you had any ideas?”
Well I’m sure you have those photos under lock and key. Now is there something I can help you with? Take your things downstairs for example?
“I do,” I say, as he takes his hand. I moved most of that already, along with things that didn’t fit this place. “I have our winter clothing that needs to go down, and some of the baby stuff I’ve been working on.” Endless stacks of diapers, for one.
who could it be -but- my Ookami-sama?” . “Makoto would just run in. I don’t think Tsutomu-kun would stop in, and Yukiko-san would knock.”
I hold her from behind as she leans in, her back against my chest.
“I’m glad you’ve profiled all of us.” I can’t help but chuckle. “You’ve done well getting to know us.”
She moves from me and shows me her ledger and tells me about names.
“The clerk at the temple I took Makoto to for her naming ceremony wanted to be sure that I was very certain, given that she was a girl.”
“Well, I still like that name…” I grin slightly, “And I heard, that in the -future-, Makoto would end up being a name popular with boys -and- girls.”
But she asks me what we should name our child. I reach out to touch her belly.
“I was so set on it being a boy…” I lightly rub her belly, “that I was already set on him taking the name of your father.”
“Of course now that the time is drawing near, it would be bad if we didn’t have a name for a girl.”
I go down the level of our child, “Sumana, little one. Your father has been lacking.”
Standing up, I look at her, “Was there a name you wanted? In case it was a girl?”
“I have our winter clothing that needs to go down, and some of the baby stuff I’ve been working on.”
I nod and see piles and piles of cloth, likely for the baby. “Leave those there and I’ll take them down.”
I’m glad you’ve profiled all of us. You’ve done well getting to know us
I laugh softly. “Profile? No, it’s called ‘keeping tabs on the family I love’.”
I was so set on it being a boy… that I was already set on him taking the name of your father.
I smile. “And I was set on another girl, to balance out these boys.” He tells me that he likes my father’s name, and my eyes glow. “Oh, I think he’d like that. My brothers refuse to tell me over letter the story you sent me to ask – of what happened to Kondou-san’s head – but they said that he ‘approved’ of you.” I grin. “All I can remember is him telling okaasan that you were ‘handsome’.”
Was there a name you wanted? In case it was a girl?
“So I wanted to be careful, when thinking of who to honor. If we start with out friends…” I laugh. “We started a -bit- late, and if we didn’t complete a set, they’d probably haunt us.” I open the last page of my accounts book. “But I did want a girl’s name that would stand up to her sister’s – no flowers, no names without kanji.” That always rankled me, that I was given a name without kanji.
“But in Makoto’s name, we took not only the name from the flag, but one of the seven virtues of bushido.” I trace my finger over a kanji I wrote out. “Another is 勇 – courage. It’s also the one Kondou-san took when he was adopted – Isami. I know -in the future- that Isami can be used as a girl’s name, but for now… it can be combined with other kanji – such as 勇愛 – Yume – by adding the kanji for ‘love’; 華勇- Kaisa, by adding ‘flower’; or 心勇 – Mio – that adds ‘heart’.”
“But those names, while great in meaning and -some- connection…” I close the book and turn in his arms, to face him. “But there was one name that I couldn’t get out of my head – even though I couldn’t find the kanji for it, or even its meaning.”
“Yaso.” I keep my eyes on him. “I thought for a bit for Masu, after you mother, but I know that name was meant for another child… and I could only think of her. I want to…” I smile a little, “to honor her, and make sure she’s not forgotten, as I know she is often in places outside of here, by those who claim to be ‘fans’. But if she has someone left – family or friends who could object, such as Akane-san…” I sigh. “But I would leave that choice in your hands. To me, it’s your name to grant. Otherwise, we can find something else, and we -do- have seven days post-birth to decide, after we meet the little one.” Right now the little one is quiet, after giving me a workout earlier. Will they be a bundle of energy like their sister? Or of a quieter nature?
Hajime:
“Profile? No, it’s called ‘keeping tabs on the family I love’.”
She laughs and I grin, “Leave it to a woman to use flowery words like that.” I say giving her a peck on the cheek.
they said that he ‘approved’ of you.” I grin. “All I can remember is him telling okaasan that you were ‘handsome’.”
“Ah -see-.” I hold her for a minute, “What fun we would’ve had, if you went after me instead. But as is proven time and time again you’re the troublesome sort. You hide under this good girl persona when in fact, inside you were the rebellious sort.”
I let her go as she looks at her book.
We started a -bit- late, and if we didn’t complete a set, they’d probably haunt us.” “But I did want a girl’s name that would stand up to her sister’s – no flowers, no names without kanji.”
I nod seriously at that. If we had started earlier we might end up with more than a dozen children I imagine. But she is older and I worry hitting even half that number may not be possible for her and more than that, the toll it may take on her body. But of course that means… I put the thoughts away, it’s at least a couple of years away – if not more.
“But in Makoto’s name, we took not only the name from the flag, but one of the seven virtues of bushido.” “Another is 勇 – courage. it can be combined with other kanji – such as 勇愛 – Yume – by adding the kanji for ‘love’; 華勇- Kaisa, by adding ‘flower’; or 心勇 – Mio – that adds ‘hear
“I think those are excellent names.” I look at her, she’s put a lot of thought in this and I’m glad for it. But she stops and looks at me.
“But there was one name that I couldn’t get out of my head – even though I couldn’t find the kanji for it, or even its meaning.”… “Yaso.”
I’m -stunned-. So stunned that I barely hear what follows. Suddenly at a loss for words that I didn’t realize I was just standing there tight lipped for a long time. I blink myself back to -here- and suddenly reach out and light a cigarette, taking long drags as she spoke.
to honor her, and make sure she’s not forgotten,
But if she has someone left – family or friends who could object, “But I would leave that choice in your hands. To me, it’s your name to grant
“You said earlier you didn’t want a name without kanji.” I take her hand and trace Yaso’s name on it. “It’s the same as yours simple. And when I asked her, she told me her name had no meaning.”
But I don’t tell Hide, what I told Yaso in reply, that indeed her name had a meaning. I suppose there are things about Yaso that I still can’t share with the woman in front of me -even if I had admitted to Hide something I shouldn’t have.
“I want to forget about her Hide. Not -remember- her at every turn.” I let go of her hand. “I understand you want to show respect and appreciation. But she’s -dead-, long gone. There’s no need.” My voice is tight I know. I don’t mean it to be. She’s gone after all.
“Besides it’s not my name to grant nor give. I have no rights to the woman I gave up.” I look at her angrily, “If anybody has the right to object, that would be her brother in Gonohe who’s taken care of them. I’ve not bothered to go there since Tokio became my wife.”
“Sumana. We’ll just find something else… If it’s a girl.” With that I start gathering the pile of clothing and head downstairs.
Tsutomu:
He doesn’t notice me as he passed and has that angry look on his face. I stand by the door to their old room and look at Makoto’s mother. So he’s doing the same thing to her as he did to my mother.
“You shouldn’t talk to him about that woman.” I tell Makoto’s mother. “That woman is trouble. Mother always told him to forget about her and he always told her he did…”
I look back down the stairs, “But he’s always -failed-.” I shake my head. “Mother said, that woman Yaso was always after him and so they had decided to leave Gonohe and start a new life here in Tokyo.”
Crossing my arms I shake my head. “By the way I’ll be coming home later tomorrow and the next. It’s my last few days at the Akabeko.” Of course, that’s not until a couple of days but I’ve made up my mind to see that red haired man and the man with the cape.
What fun we would’ve had, if you went after me instead
That’s the biggest what-if in our lives, of many.
But as I feared, when I didn’t write the name in my book, that the suggestion of the name of his first wife is met… with silence, at first. His face gets that closed-off look that always makes my stomach drop and he pulls out his cigarettes.
And then, he talks. He tells me that her name is simple, taking my hand to trace out the two hirigana characters.
I want to forget about her Hide. Not -remember- her at every turn. I understand you want to show respect and appreciation. But she’s -dead-, long gone. There’s no need
He drops my hand, and he… understands my motivation, at least, as ill-advised as it was. And then he’s angry, when he says that she has a brother.
And he leaves before I can add anything else. I fling the notebook across the room. Stupid Hide… stupid stupid and my eyes sting hot with tears. If this child is a girl, I’ve now left something hanging over their head that may never go away. And I should have known, despite him having -some- openness about Yaso, that both of his wives are taboo topics for me to bring up.
Mistresses should know that, shouldn’t they? But I’m no professional at this role, only -me-, stumbling as always, and this time… he’s hurting too.
Stepping out of the room, I almost run into Tsutomu-kun.
You shouldn’t talk to him about that woman. That woman is trouble. Mother always told him to forget about her and he always told her he did… But he’s always -failed-. Mother said, that woman Yaso was always after him and so they had decided to leave Gonohe and start a new life here in Tokyo.
Of course he only knows one side of the story, and I feel the self-directed anger that burned within me subside, replaced with a deep sadness. Of course she’s being maligned, and made to be forgotten. It’s not fair to her, and it seems nothing ever -has-. But this boy doesn’t know that. I smile and pat his cheek. “Thank you, Tsutomu-kun, for your advice.”
Removing my hand, I nod as I listen to his plans. “I’m glad to hear that job is over, so you may focus on your studies.” I assume his mother gets the reports of his schoolwork, and had there been any drop… and if she knew he was -working-…
But later? That catches – and I think of the map. “Tsutomu-kun… be -careful- out that late at night.”
His father knows, of the map, of Tsutomu-kun’s probable plans. Will he be watching, following? Or, will he, as he indicates he will with me, let the caped man do as he wishes?
“But since you’re up here, here…” I go back into the room and come back with a stack of neatly-folded diapers, and put them into his arms. “Take those to the new room, please? I would appreciate it.”
She pats my cheek and thanks me. I nod. I’m glad I told her so she doesn’t make those mistakes.
“Tsutomu-kun… be -careful- out that late at night.”
“I’ve been there and back here many times. It will be -fine-.”
Then she leaves and gives me a bunch of diapers?
“Take those to the new room, please? I would appreciate it.”
I take it. I’m sure she’s avoiding him but that’s for the -best-. It wouldn’t do them any good to be in the same room. I think she was crying and he doesn’t care about tears. I’ve seen a lot of that in our house. “Okay.”
I leave and go downstairs, to do what I’m told.
(Tsutomu exits)
Tsutomu-kun mentions that he’ll be fine, but… if he’s going -there-… but he doesn’t object to my touch nor my request for help. I watch as he heads down the stairs before turning back to the room.
I take a moment to collect myself, picking up the notebook, and taking that, along with some other small items like my sewing basket, and go downstairs. I’m glad I gave Tsutomu-kun the pile of diapers; Hajime would be more upset to see me carrying a load like that. It’s not heavy but -bulky-.
I go downstairs, reminding Makoto that it’s bedtime, and go to the new room.
“Hajime?” I call out as I enter.
Tsutomu handed me the 2nd set of diapers and I set about to putting it to one of the built ins. Why couldn’t I be more reasonable earlier? I should’ve. I understand why she wanted it. If Yaso was here, she’d be delighted I’m sure. But if Yaso were here… Things would be very different wouldn’t they? Just like if that missing man ended up being here. Well he’s not and she’s not asked again to see him. If we can just keep things the way they are… Won’t we be happy? Or will his ghost appear? Or her brother’s?
“Hajime?”
I’m brought back to the room and I close the drawers. “Come in.” I say. It’s not just my room after all. I remove my jacket and gloves and put them to the side, leaving on a thin white shirt. I open the windows to air the room as I was smoking rather heavily earlier.
I enter the room with my small things and set the sewing basket and notebook down on the desk. I smile a little, at the sight of the diapers. “Those are at their most pleasant, now, before the child starts using them.” I did buy a better material, meaning for these to get us through more than one child.
He’s settling in, taking off his gloves and jacket. I go behind him, wrapping my arms around him as best I can with the bulk of our child, resting my forehead against his back, feeling his warmth where my hands rest on his front. “I’m sorry. I dropped something -big- on you, and you were probably expecting more flower names from me.” I smile a little, “but I still think your idea for a name for our son is good. What was your father’s name?”
“Those are at their most pleasant, now, before the child starts using them.”
Quietly I answer her, “I do remember how to use these. We didn’t have help in the house especially that first year with Tomu.”
She goes behind me and I can feel her forehead against my back. I lightly hold her hand that’s wrapped around me.
“I’m sorry. I dropped something -big- on you, and you were probably expecting more flower names from me.” but I still think your idea for a name for our son is good
“I wasn’t expecting flower names…” I look down at our hands together, “But I didn’t expect -that-. I suppose if I told you, I’d like to name our child Souji you’d be over the moon…” I pause, “I can’t be like that.”
What was your father’s name?”
I look out the window, “Yusuke. A lowly, masterless foot soldier of the Akashi clan. No relation to Aizu although people said he must’ve been descended from there.” I pause, “He was a traveling iaido instructor and taught at various dojo owned by the Aizu clan.”
I sigh and let go of her hand. Turning her to face me. Why is she so fixated on that woman of my past? It’s my fault after all, I’ve let Yaso intrude in our lives. I’ve mentioned her to Hide too many times.
I do remember how to use these. We didn’t have help in the house especially that first year with Tomu.
I lift my head to kiss the center of his back. “Good, I’ll need the help.”
But I didn’t expect -that-. I suppose if I told you, I’d like to name our child Souji you’d be over the moon… I can’t be like that
Quietly, I reply. “I don’t know if I’d be over the moon. But when you put it like that…” I sigh. “I can see where I went wrong.” I smile, ruefully. “He’d probably be the worst momma’s boy and glare at you.” I put my hand on top of the one he’s placed on mine, and squeeze it. “This is another reason I don’t want to start naming our children after our friends – I don’t know if I could deal with a demon vice-commander child; and if Nagakura-san heard we had a little ‘Shinpachi’ he would be on the first boat back from Hokkaido.”
He tells me about his father, and the connections to Aizu. “Mine… the only time he got mad at Kondou-san was when he turned part of our garden into a vegetable patch. You see, in Mibu there was always -talk- that we weren’t actually samurai, that we were just farmers that started wearing swords and that after enough generations, it took. Having anything beyond some herbs only reminded those in the neighborhood of our history.” I shrug. “It’s said we descend from Tajima province, from an old family there… with some connection to the ‘eight trees’ in the kanji. Or,” I say with a bit of a smile, “‘Yagi’ could just mean goat, which would explain -generations- of stubbornness.”
Hajime turns to face me, and I put my arms back around him, placing a soft kiss at the center of his chest, opposite to where I kissed his back and look up into his eyes.
“I can see where I went wrong.”
I’d tell her had it been another time, a different set of circumstances… Or if I were able to settle things, her choice would’ve been welcome. But as it is, with old grudges still out there how could we give that name to our child?
This is another reason I don’t want to start naming our children after our friends –
“I think once was enough. Although I did like the word courage and it’s possible to make an exception for Kondou-san but the rest…” I shake my head.
She tells me about the rumors about their family in Mibu. “Isn’t it always that way? People are petty and they covet what others don’t have. It didn’t help that your father tried to be as bushi as he can be. But the samurai is gone now and there’s no shame in tilling the Earth.” That I can say sincerely, after all it was tilling the earth that we survived in Gonohe.
‘Yagi’ could just mean goat, which would explain -generations- of stubbornness.”
“Maybe but out of respect and the pride of your parents, I’ll have to insist on Tajima province.”
She kisses my chest and I shake my head again as she looks up.
“I maybe late coming home the next few days. I think my idiot son will actually go to that dojo and I won’t stop him.”
I touch her cheek for moment and wonder, how much I upset her earlier. She didn’t come down immediately and Tomu was quiet.
“It’s getting late for you. Why not take a rest?” I lead her to our bed.
(OOC: You may close).
I think once was enough. Although I did like the word courage and it’s possible to make an exception for Kondou-san but the rest…
“I do like ‘courage’ as well, although I think ‘patience’ would suit this little one who waited so long for us.” Our patient child is now on the move, but as opposed to flutters and kicks it’s more like -shoves-.
Isn’t it always that way? People are petty and they covet what others don’t have. It didn’t help that your father tried to be as bushi as he can be. But the samurai is gone now and there’s no shame in tilling the Earth.
“I learned a lot from that. It was after my father’s passing, that I returned some of that garden to food again, which helped us a lot during the years right after the war. We were never hungry, but currency was in flux…” I smile. “And I like the smell of earth, getting my hands in it, for flowers or food.”
I maybe late coming home the next few days. I think my idiot son will actually go to that dojo and I won’t stop him
“He told me he that he’d be home ‘later’ tomorrow night and the next – that he was almost done at the Akebeko.” I’m glad he’ll be out of that place, but first… he’s going to go to another, worse place. “I told him to be careful, out late at night… he tells me he’ll be fine.” I smile, “you two are a lot alike.”
He bids me to rest am I -am- tired, but his gentle touch on my cheek lifts me up, a little, from where I fell earlier. I dress for bed, settle in and bid him to join me.
(OOC: Close)