I alight from the train that afternoon, perhaps a nervous wreck. Of course no one knows, I am an expert at hiding what I think and feel. Earlier I had thought of bringing something with me from Tokyo for Makoto but then I realized that I do not know her preferences. I’ll just have to find out…
The last time I was here, I’ve procured a room at an Onsen and once again I go to another one. It is better that I change the places I stay at so I’ll remain a nameless face here in Ito. Although, it is quite heavy on the pockets to move from place to place… I should really find someone who I will not care who I am and remain out of my business like Marohu-san, if I can find a room to rent that should help. I scowl slightly. Money was not such an object before…
After leaving my things at the onsen, I waste no time and head to Hide’s house. I wonder how things will be today… If I will disrupt once again her life here. Knocking on the gates, I put my worries aside for now and put on a fresh face.
April 11, 1885 Saturday
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I’ve spent the morning so far pacing. And Makoto-chan has asked that I stop fussing over her.
I hear a knock at the gate. “Makoto-chan, someone Okaasan used to know is here to come see us.” I… I don’t know what else to tell her. I look down at her. It’s hard to reherse pretty speeches for five year olds. “He’s family.” I say, simply.
Walking to the gate, her little hand in mine, I take the last few moments to compose myself.
I wonder what this might be like for him. And of course, Makoto-chan has no idea that she’s about to meet her father. This is… so vital to both of them. It’s not a time for me to be lost in my own worries.
I open the gate, stepping back to allow Hajime to step inside. “Yamaguchi-san,” I say, looking at him, “this is my daughter, Makoto-chan.” I pull on her hand to bring her forward. She’s very rarely shy around strangers but I don’t want her starting now.
Yamaguchi-san ka…
“How do you do Makoto?” I give my child a smile. She seems slightly hesitant. I wonder if anyone else comes here to see them. Perhaps not, especially not family.
Hide does not mention what we agreed upon that night. I might as well do it if she cannot.
“I’m your uncle.” The word stings for some unknown reason, but I keep my composure. Now I’m starting to wish I did bring something, even just candy would’ve made this meeting lighter and perhaps make Makoto more amiable.
Uncle?
I look up. He’s very tall.
Okaasan has talked about family. I know that I have two uncles that Okaasan talks about some.
“Are you the one that sends me books?” I ask. If he is, he should read them to me. Because Okaasan can’t, they’re not in Japanese.
I let go of her hand, she’s holding on a bit too tight.
“Are you the one that sends me books?”
Books? I think for a moment how to answer this one… I do not send her books and I do not like lying either. Yuunosuke, is the one who loves them and for a moment I wonder if I should take on his role. Play his part… I’m tempted to look towards Hide, perhaps to ask for help on this one. But I don’t… There are too many things I can’t seem to ask her. I’ll lie, I’m good at it in my job back then…
“Yes I do like books…” Well not a complete lie…
“What kind of books do you like to read?”
“Yuunosuke sends her books,” I say, quietly. Of course she would assume it would be one of my brothers, I’ve only told her a little about the Yagis… I know so little about Hajime’s family as I never pried into it as it seemed a bad subject.
I wish… I wish it didn’t have to be like this. Introducing himself as her uncle. I kneel down behind Makoto-chan, but she seems to be taking this well… again, she is not a -shy- child.
What kind of books do you like to read?
I keep looking back up at him. I guess it’s not the same uncle? Okaasan says something about “Yuunosuke”, and kneels behind me.
“Oh… I don’t read much yet. Okaasan taught me some but I just started school. She tells me stories, too.” I think of the books that I really want to know about. “But even Okaasan can’t read the books that my other uncle sends me. They’re in English. I’m learning that in school.” We just make up the stories, sometimes, but I’d really like to know.
“Yuunosuke sends her books,”
Ah… Just as I suspected. There’s a hole in the story though which I must fix. Hide kneels behind Makoto. I wonder if she thinks I’ll grab Makoto out of her life just like the other night.
“Perhaps Makoto, I wasn’t clear, I am a second cousin of your mothers, thus I am your uncle.” I brush that subject aside. One lie builds up and the more I talk about it in this sense, the more tangled it will be.
Not being able to hold back anymore, I reach for her little hands. They fit so well into my palm. This is so surreal it is upsetting. Letting go I brush her hair slightly… She’s real… My child is alive and well…
“English is quite a -useful- language, I learned it slightly when I was sent abroad. I shall help you once in a while if you like.”
Second cousin… Isuzu-chan’s mother explained that to us once when her relatives come to visit. “Uncle,” I nod. That’s a lot easier.
He takes my hands but he seems nice, and Okaasan wouldn’t let him if she didn’t like him. He touches my hair and it tickles a little, but it reminds me of when Okaasan does it.
At his talk of English, I smile. “You know it!” And he’ll help me… “Will you read to me?” I glance back at Okaasan. I shouldn’t be asking but what’s in those books she can’t tell me about is very puzzling.
It’s so heartbreaking as he touches her… our daughter. I stand back up, relizing that I was so much more worried about how she would accept Hajime than she was… of course… because she has no idea. I smile softly at this scene, and proud of my girl for being so open to a new person. One day she’ll realize how important today was.
He was abroad? Makoto-chan’s interest in English is something I’ve always found interesting… even never having met her Yuunosuke has fueled her interest in learning.
“Hajime – ah, Yamaguchi-san,” I correct myself, looking over at him. “Since it’s such a nice day, I thought that we could go over to Makoto-chan’s favorite place and have an early dinner?” It would probably be less awkward than standing around the front of my house.
“You know it!” And he’ll help me… “Will you read to me?”
Ah she finally smiled, an innocent one like her mothers.
“Yes, I will read to you. That will not be a problem.” Definitely not a problem, I finally turn my attention from her face and looked at her mother.
“Hajime – ah, Yamaguchi-san, “Since it’s such a nice day, I thought that we could go over to Makoto-chan’s favorite place and have an early dinner?”
It doesn’t escape me. We used to have such a problem with calling each other other than our given names. It shall take some getting used to, but perhaps, it is proper we are not the same people as before and who knows what we are to each other now?
“Yes we could.” I grin, “Lead the way, however let me pay for the night.”
“Oh, no, her favorite place is… ah, you’ll see.” I touch Makoto-chan’s hair. “I need to go inside and get the things. I shall be right back.
I go inside, with a glance back … at father and daughter.
I can’t fix things that I did. The past… but for her sake, and his …
I already had almost everything ready, and I take a few minutes to make sure I have everything.
I hold on tightly to the counter for a moment, closing my eyes. I am doing well. For them, I can’t give into the feelings of weakness that still tug at me…
I watch Hide’s back as she disappeared into the house.
“Looks like it’s just you and I, Makoto…”
Thinking for a moment, I should take this opportunity and find out certain things.
“Do you play games?” Of course she does ahou… “What kind do you like?”
Okaasan goes inside. I know where she’s talking about going, though. We’ve not been there since the fall.
Looking at her as she leaves, I see a rock sitting on the engawa. The one from yesterday that I left in my bento box.
Do you play games? What kind do you like?
“Chasing games.” I think for a minute. Not the games that the other girls like, which are about being quiet. I look back over at the rock, and then up at him. “You won’t tell Okaasan?” I need to put the rock in my base before something happens to it. “Follow me.” I take his hand and lead him to the back of the house.
“Chasing games?” Ah quite a popular game even back in the day.
“You won’t tell Okaasan?”
“It depends…”, she takes my hand and I chuckle. She seems quite sure of herself.
“I run -fast-” I nod. Even better now in my uniform than in a kimono. I wish Okaasan would let me wear it every day.
I talk quietly as I lead him around the bathhouse. “It’s my secret base.” I look back over at the house before scrambling under the juniper bush. He might be too tall. Hmmm.
I stand up and pull the bush to the side, away from the fence along the back of the yard where the hill gets really steep.
All my rocks are here, in little stacks. In the middle is a big flat rock that’s the right size for Isuzu-chan and I to sit, and we can see the ocean from there. If I stand on the top of the rock on my toes I can see above the other bushes to the kitchen window. The stick I found the other day leans against the wall of the bathhouse.
“This is my secret base.” I tell him. I stand on the rock and look back at the house. I see Okaasan moving around inside. I get down from the big rock and carefully put the new one with the others.
“I run -fast-“
“It’s fine to run fast as long as you don’t trip…” Suddenly I’m overwhelmed by the desire to inspect her shins and knees. Just to see if she has any scars. If she’s been running and proud of it… But that would look questionable, even to the eyes of a child.
She shows to me her “base”, children likes to have privacy as well just like adults and I nod. Interesting, she must like the view. I start to smoke, suddenly remembering an old memory.
“So what are all those rocks for?” Something tells me the stick to the side is somehow related to all these rocks.
“I don’t know. I find one I like and I bring it back here.” I find a lot of rocks I like. “I got this one at school yesterday.”
I look around, and step back on top of the rock to look back into the house.
“Come on, Okaasan might be almost done.” It takes her a while to get ready. “Remember, this is a secret, I only let her back here once and she had to cover her eyes.” I take his hand again and lead him back to the front, if we’re going where I think Okaasan was talking about, I want to get there -soon-.
She likes rocks?
I don’t quite understand it, but children are like that sometimes. Then she takes my hand and lead me back to wait for Hide.
“Remember, this is a secret, I only let her back here once and she had to cover her eyes.”
“Yes -our- little secret.” I look back down at her and feel very light. Perhaps I can revel at something such as this to share with my daughter. Although, I don’t understand why she’d show to me her base so quickly, perhaps if she knew I was her father she would think twice. Maa… Heh! I’m not going to complain.
I come back outside with everything. Makoto-chan and Hajime seem to be coming back from somewhere else… I see traces of juniper needles in her hair… did she show him her base? That she’s leading him around by her hand… something makes me stop dead for a moment, just struck… by how right it looks.
I hand Makoto-chan the smallest bundle. She knows what it’s for and gives me an excited smile. I take the moment to brush my hand over her hair, and look up at Hajime for a moment.
“Could you help me with this?” I hand over the largest bundle to Hajime.
“It’s not too far of a walk, Makoto-chan -found- this place this last spring.” I walk towards the gate and Makoto-chan follows behind.
I take the bundle wondering what’s inside. Following them from behind I take several continuous drags on my cigarette.
“It’s not too far of a walk, Makoto-chan -found- this place this last spring.”
“Ah… That’s good.” They’ve really settled down here in Ito. It’s a good place, not too big nor too small. It must be bustling here though in summer. I watch as both of them walk… It’s right but yet disconcerting in a way. I hope we get there soon.
The three of us walk along, it really isn’t that far, but it has been a while since we’ve been.
We leave the area of the city away from the ocean… Ito does not have just the sea but also rivers and streams… Makoto-chan got away from me last spring when the Isuzu-chan’s family invited us along on a picnic, and after an hour of frantic searching we found her in this place, playing in the water.
Finally we reach our destination, and I have to put what I’m carrying down to catch Makoto-chan as she tries to speed off towards the water. “Not yet…” I remind her. I should try to get her to eat something, but the second she thinks she sees that turtle…
It’s quiet area with a shallow stream, and in summer it will be more shaded… I look back at Hajime as Makoto-chan puts down her small bundle. “We’ve come here several times before,” I say, in way of explination, as I set out the blanket.
This place… I look around… Makoto found this?
I make an effort not to shake my head. I should not think and just enjoy this moment. Settling the bundle down on the blanket that Hide set out. I stand around and continue smoking.
You should talk ahou…
I think I’m going to gag, so I put out the cigarette under my boot. I grin slightly and finally ask, “What’s the cuisine for today? You used to tell me you were an excellent cook.” Ah yes, finally something comes out of my mouth. Thankfully it came out light in the form of a tease.
The tone of his voice… makes me stop for a moment. Again something disorienting shakes me, but then … the warmth of the sun and the sound of the river… remind me that I am here -now-. The moment passes and I can focus again.
excellent cook
“Hai hai…” I answer, a slight smile on my face, I meet his eyes briefly as I set out the containers. “Fish…” a couple of types, Ito is blessed with a good supply from both the sea and surrounding rivers. “vegetables… inari.” At this I look back up at him. I couldn’t quite bring myself to make his soba, however.
Makoto-chan tugs at my sleeve. “I -see- it…” she tells me, very insistant. “Go show your… uncle,” my voice catches a little at this. It’s unfair. So massivly -unfair-. “See if he sees it. I’ll finish getting dinner out.”
She does not answer, unlike back then. She doesn’t seem as distraught as last week, but it’s there. I was about to frown but I catch that slight smile on her face. I don’t know exactly what to think of this but I indulge her and put a grin on my face.
“Fish, good some tuna, some salmon…” I just say it out of the blue. “And inari is -always- welcome.”
Makoto seems to want to see something. “Come Makoto, I -want- to see it. Let your mother finish getting her stuff together.”
Holding out my hand, I wait to be lead around once again. A little tour guide my daughter… She loves to move, which is good.
Yamaguchi-san holds out his hand for me and I take it, leading him down to the water, but first I make sure I get the little bundle Okaasan gave me.
“There’s a turtle here. I’ve seen him before.” I look up at him. I carefully watch the water, and wait.
“A turtle?” A chuckle just comes out, unbidden… “I hope you do not catch it. Creatures, even turtles likes their freedom Makoto. But you can look at it’s shell, they are beautiful…”
I look back to where Hide is keeping herself busy.
“Turtles are Herbivores, perhaps you should feed them some vegetables.”
There was once a time a while ago back in my home… Perhaps I should be glad that somehow this isn’t all too unfamiliar.
“Oh, no, I don’t want to catch it, I just want to watch it.” I look up and down the stream.
I show him the bundle. “Okaasan gives me vegetable scraps so if I see him I can feed him.” I keep watching until I hear Okaasan tell us that dinner is ready.
I take him again by the hand. “I like tuna too.” She made a lot of different kinds of foods today. I take one last glance at the water before I go up to where Okaasan is.
It takes me longer to get everything out because I can’t help but watch them together… she’s been so open with him. She’s never been a -shy- girl.
Makoto-chan leads Hajime back, and I have everything out and ready. “I hope you don’t mind tea,” I tell Hajime. I get a plate together for Makoto-chan, and offer the box with the fish on it to him. “I hope you find my cooking still excellent after all of this time.” I smile a little.
I’m still overwhelmed but I can control it better than the other week.
Makoto and I make it back to the picnic area. Then she lets go of my hand and I just follow her with my eyes before sitting down on the blanket.
“I hope you don’t mind tea,”
“Don’t worry I can manage.” I look at the river.
“I hope you find my cooking still excellent after all of this time.”
“We’ll see ne?” Turning to look at her I watch her for a moment then tear my gaze away.
“Let’s start… I’ll start with the inari.” Yes fish for us before wasn’t good, those days are long gone. I chuckle at the old memory of sharing a meal together. I pick up a piece of the sweet rice bean curd and pop it into my mouth.
“Excellent as always.”
His eyes linger on mine…
Excellent as always
I look back up at him. “Glad to know that.” I answer, meeting his eyes again before taking a sip of tea. Hearing him say that… takes me back. But it’s scaring me less and less every time.
I watch our daughter. “Don’t eat so fast. The turtle won’t run away on you.” She gives me a look that clearly shows that she disagrees. “Can I go, okaasan?”
Turning so I can watch the water, I answer, “finish your rice. You can only go so far at the big rock there – ” I indicate one about 10 feet upstream ” – and that pine tree.” In the other direction, not that far away. “Remember what I told you? Be quiet and wait for him.” She eats even faster before running down to the waters edge with her little bag of food.
How she manages to run so well in a kimono… my eyes follow her movements, and then I look back over to Hajime.
I watch as Makoto eats her meal rather quickly. I was about to say something but it’s better to let her mother do the talking. I take a small portion of the tuna, finishing it and lit up a cigarette as Makoto runs off.
“You’re a good mother.” I tell Hide, dragging on my cigarette. “She’s quite lively and smart.”
It surprises me how easily I can talk to Makoto and yet to Hide, my thoughts go into a shambles before saving themselves and making some off hand remark like earlier.
You’re a good mother
“Thank you… I’ve tried to be.” I look back out at her at the stream. I know compliments don’t come lightly from Hajime.
He doesn’t eat much. I still must make him uncomfortable, or maybe he thinks I’ll break down again like I did the other night. I won’t let myself be that weak in front of him again.
“I wondered for a long time if I wasn’t. Because of my actions… I denied her getting to know her father.” I look over at him. “In time, I hope you can forgive me for that. Now that you’ve found us, I’ll make it up to both of you, somehow.” I set my plate down, because at this point I’m just poking at my food. In an even quieter tone, “I can’t fix what happened in the past… I’m sorry.” I lower my eyes to break my gaze on his. “As long as you come to Ito, you will be welcomed here… by both of us.”
“We all make mistakes. It wasn’t your fault alone.” I don’t look at Hide as I speak. I wish they made cigarettes last longer.
“You should learn to forgive yourself, otherwise you’ll just keep on hurting.” I blink a few times and fixated my gaze on the big rock by Makoto. It’s funny I can’t take my own medicine. I do not address her apology, she’s been apologizing to myself since I came here. Once is enough I think, I only apologized once after all.
“As long as you come to Ito, you will be welcomed here… by both of us.”
“Thank you.” That’s good to know, at least I can still see our daughter.
I turn to her slightly, trying to catch her eye. “How did you spend your week?” It’s a slightly familiar question, back then I’d just ask her how her days go but the answer was always the same. Perhaps now she’s found something she likes to do, that will be good for her… I’m almost certain this time, there are more things… Things I do not know about her anymore.
You should learn to forgive yourself, otherwise you’ll just keep on hurting
Is it that simple? I wish… I wish it was. “Ah…” I don’t have much to say to that. “I keep trying, and I will.” My hands hold each other tight in my lap before letting go as I win the fight to keep my composure and converse -normally-.
He catches my eye, and asks me about my week. I shake some of the clouds out of my head to answer, “I walk Makoto-chan and her friend, Isuzu-chan, to school in the morning. She lives next door. Four days a week I work at Sugiyama-san’s onsen, as I told you last week, I help out with the practical matters. I like my work.” I break my gaze from his eyes to check on Makoto-chan, who is still waiting for that turtle. I watch her for a long moment, before I look back to him. “Then I’m back at home – Makoto-chan gets out before I leave work but she stays with Isuzu-chan for an hour or two.”
“Other than that… I see to the house, my garden…” these must sound like familliar answers. “I try to help Makoto-chan with school – she -is- bright and likes to learn, and I taught her some before she started this week.”
“And you, Hajime? How has work been?” I ask. “You said you went abroad, was that for work?”
I tap the ashes on the ground and turn to her slightly. At least I can imagine a part of her life for the last few years. So Makoto has a friend, that’s good and Sugiyama-san seems to be a big part of Hide’s.
I nod as she mentions her work. It is good when one likes their employment. Then she starts talking about the house and the garden, ah yes old habits die hard.
“I try to help Makoto-chan with school – she -is- bright and likes to learn, and I taught her some before she started this week.”
“Ah… She takes after your brothers then. They strike me as studious fellows.” I glance back where Makoto is, thinking for a moment.
“And you, Hajime? How has work been?””You said you went abroad, was that for work?”
“Yes something like that.” I decide to say no more. My work is separate from her, from here. When I made the mistake of mixing the two up, it had dire consequences back then and just a few years ago.
It’s then that I steer to a different topic of conversation.
“Who takes care of Isuzu and Makoto for those two hours?”
I… shouldn’t have asked about his work. Of course. “I want to know about your life as well.” What these six years have been like. What has changed, and what hasn’t. If it was as empty for him as it often was for me…
Ah… She takes after your brothers then. They strike me as studious fellows
“My brothers? Maybe.” My eyes go once again to her, still looking for her turtle. “I think she’s also so stubborn that she has it in her mind that she -will- learn something.” I look back to him from the sides of my eyes, “I think that stubborness comes from somewhere else…” that manages to come out in a teasing manner that I didn’t intend.
Who takes care of Isuzu and Makoto for those two hours?
“Ah, Isuzu-chan’s mother. She’s a lot younger than I. Her husband is a fabric merchant, and they’ve been good neighbors since I got this house. The girls are always happy to have more time together.”
“I want to know about your life as well.”
Trying to think of something else to tell her about the past six years, I couldn’t find anything. I buried myself with the TMPD for most of those years and the last few months were…
“I went to London on a mission. It’s there were I learned to speak English, not fluently but good enough to make sense of and get around.” Not that I’ve really gone around that big city, I went straight back to Japan after my release.
“I live at the back of an import shop. That’s about it.”
She watches Makoto again and I do too. Then quite unexpectedly the tone of her voice changes.
“I think she’s also so stubborn that she has it in her mind that she -will- learn something.” “I think that stubborness comes from somewhere else…”
I wonder who she means, her or I? Hide could be quite stubborn herself. “Stubborness is good sometimes…”
“Ah, Isuzu-chan’s mother. She’s a lot younger than I. Her husband is a fabric merchant, and they’ve been good neighbors since I got this house. The girls are always happy to have more time together.”
I finish the cigarette and buried the stub on the dirt. “What’s her name?” If Makoto is going to be anywhere without her mother, it’s better I know their names at least.
I live at the back of an import shop. That’s about it
I look at him for a long moment and something… are he and Tokio… the question sticks in my throat.
Is he now free? If that is the case… I am rather surprised.
I can’t control my reaction as I bite my lip and turn my face and answer his question about my neighbors as I gather the remains of dinner together.
“Ah… Mochizuki. Hiroku-san and her husband, Isamu-san.” I think for a minute. “I will introduce you, if you would like.” After all as Makoto-chan’s “uncle”… I’m certain that she’ll be telling Isuzu-chan all about Hajime.
Stubborness is good sometimes…
“Makoto-chan has two very stubborn parents, ne?” I turn back to look at him as I stand. “Maybe that’s why we’re here.” Looking back at the river where our daughter still looks for the turtle… and I realize that yet another afternoon has escaped us…
“Would you come back to the house? Help me get Makoto-chan to bed? She’ll probably be after you now for those stories knowing that you know English.”
Why is it that I can read her so easily at certain times. I wish I couldn’t… How to tell her we’re separated yes, but that nothing’s really changed and nothing will. I stood up and turned away as she answers…
“Ah… Mochizuki. Hiroku-san and her husband, Isamu-san.””I will introduce you, if you would like.”
I nod my head in agreement. “Perhaps tomorrow. I don’t leave until the afternoon…”
“Makoto-chan has two very stubborn parents, ne?” I just smirk at that.
“Would you come back to the house? Help me get Makoto-chan to bed? She’ll probably be after you now for those stories knowing that you know English.”
“I’d like that…” Then I realize I just for a moment want to… I move by Hide. “But before that…”
STOP DON’T DO THIS!
I pull her close and for a moment while Makoto’s attention is diverted, I wanted to kiss her just like before. Instead though, I settle for an embrace and plant a kiss to her cheek. Letting her go as quickly as I took her.
“Suma…” I turn to go where Makoto is, to fetch her.
“Good… I will introduce you tomorrow.” Although we must play along with this ruse of Hajime as a relative, I do trust them.
I’d like that… But before that…
He moves in close and I think that he’s going to -kiss- me, instead he only embraces me and I feel his lips on my cheek, quick and fleeting, like a dream. And before I can react he’s let me go and going after Makoto-chan.
I can only stare after him… and wonder. I convince Makoto-chan to leave the vegetable scraps by the side of the stream for the turtle and while it’s not as good as -seeing- him I do tell her we’ll come back out here again.
We walk back home as a warm spring night falls, and Makoto-chan stops for another rock.
(end scene)