Makoto-chan and I walk along to the little stream… she runs a few steps ahead of me, looking for that turtle. She loves this place… and I hope that it might be a nicer place to talk than just at home. I even left work a little early so we would have some time here.
She starts to speed off towards the water, but I take her arm. “In a minute, Makoto-chan. First, I brought us a snack.” She nods, glancing back at the water, and follows me, helping me spread the blanket. I made us something light and simple… not the large spread that I made the time we came here with Hajime…
Was that only two weeks ago? So much has changed… yet odd that there are things that haven’t… like this problem with Makoto. I’ve been putting it off, even though I’m sure it troubles her… but that’s why it’s also hard to discuss.
After we’re done eating, I tell her to stay, we can watch the stream from here as I put the blanket closer to the water than I usually do. “So Makoto-chan… it’s been a few weeks… how do you like school?”
Monday, April 27th, 1885 – Back to the stream…
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“Oh, fine, I like it. I like learning English… and the , and Friday they showed us origami after lunch… that was fun!” Okaasan already showed me some, and Isuzu-chan and her mother some others before, “We made a frog that hops!”
Then I dropped it on the way home… oh. “Okaasan will you get me some more paper?” Then I can show her too. I think I remember all of the steps.
“More paper? Of course.” If we don’t stay to long here… we could go this afternoon.
“Yes… I spoke to your teachers, they said that you’re doing well in your classes… you’re learning very fast. But I knew you could do an excellent job.” I brush her bangs out of her eyes… how fast her hair grows, I’ll need to trim her hair soon…
I take a breath and watch her carefully as I say what else I need to, “but they tell me that they other girls… they don’t talk to you and Isuzu-chan…” I put my arm around her small shoulders, to draw her closer to me.
but they tell me that they other girls… they don’t talk to you and Isuzu-chan…
I shrug away from her arm. “They’re stupid,” I mutter. Because they are! “I don’t -care-,” I tell her, moving away from her. I know it makes Isuzu-chan upset… I don’t want it to make Okaasan upset too. That’s why I care. The only reason.
“Makoto-chan… we’ve talked before, about how the other children will say things, right…” It’s hard to stay calm, be a wise and mother who always has the answers when I can see my daughter hurting so… and trying to hard not to care. Hurting because … of -me-. I reach again for her and she stands up, stepping back. “I don’t -want- to talk about it!” she shouts at me, standing there, little fists clenched, her eyes blazing.
She keeps shouting, “I don’t care, they’re stupid and I hate them! -You’re- stupid!” Her eyes open wide as if she realizes what she said, her hands go to cover her mouth. She looks at me in terror… and it takes me more than a moment for me to hide the look of shock and hurt on my face. I know it wasn’t something she meant… right? For a moment I’m afraid she’s going to cry…
But it’s much worse as her face gets cold… reminding me of someone else in another time. “Come on, let’s go home. We can stop and see if there’s a letter from your uncle.” I tell her, blinking rapidly as I get the blanket up and our bento boxes together.
I said that… I said that and I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to see her look like that… They don’t like me because of her and I don’t really know -why-. I feel my chin get shaky but no I can’t cry I can’t I can’t…
“Sure, a letter,” I shrug as she gets things together. Oh she’s upset and I… I can’t just say ‘sorry’ to that, can I? I don’t even really look at her…
There is no letter from Hajime… the post only moves -so- fast, even in this era of railroads. Makoto-chan seems to take more offense to that, walking ahead of me with a dark expression , and taking no interest in the selection of origami papers. “That’s fine,” she answers, not even looking at the papers.
We get home, and she turns to me. “I’m going out back!” she tells me, running off to her base before I can stop her…
Should I follow her? We’ve had our fights before… but they’ve been either her throwing childish tantrums or our stubborn sides clashing. Never with words like this… Did she mean it? Was it just something said… or does she truly resent me, in a way she’s not even aware of?
I wash the bento boxes without even looking, and go to sit at the table in the kitchen. Dinner… I should see to dinner…