April 25, 1885 – Saturday Morning Rain

Rain… Morning rain that pours from grey skies. I stare as they fall by the hundreds and scatter on the ground like glass. Sitting on the engawa I inhale deeply on my sixth cigarette since I got here to my house. My eyes glide upon the garden, Tokio still likes to work on it I would imagine. One of the few things that I was able to give my wife when our marriage still had something… When I could still spend time here and she did not hate me for leaving on long extended trips and when money was not an issue. I frown and hung my head low, to fail this house and what I had thought was a second life for myself. To hurt my children with my life’s work… But I cannot surrender what I know to be true, if only there was another way to have both.
Pitter patter.. Pitter patter… The droplets bang like drums, if they continue my ears will bleed but I cannot cover them either. I suck deeper on the tobacco before hearing footsteps on the wooden floor board. Slowly I turn my head. My eldest is staring back at me leaning on a post. I put out my cigarette, I have always known he hated cigarette smoke like his mother but unlike her, Tsutomu never said a word. I smile to be amiable, perhaps this is the moment I have been waiting for.
“Ha ha ue’s inside preparing lunch.” He says in a low tone and crosses his arms.
“Ah… Well it is a little early to talk about lunch. How are you?” I ask and get up to stand beside him. He’s much more taller now than the last time I’ve seen him more than a month ago.
He doesn’t answer but he looks away and let’s out a breath.
“Still won’t talk to me? It’s been more than a year Tsutomu.” I prod him to be reasonable, but really I wonder who is unreasonable… Him or I?
“I hate you. You should not have come.” He mumbles in English and hides his hands in his pocket. He forgets that the book belonged to me first and I know what he is saying. His words do not surprise me, although I still do not like hearing them. If I were a good father, I’d have a right to reprimand him and would do so. Young men are not supposed to talk this way to their parents. I never did to mine but they died early.
“Nani?” I ask and feign ignorance, letting my face grin to lighten the situation. “Come now Tsutomu, it’s been a while tell me what’s been happening in school.”
He looks back at me incredulously, “-I’m- doing fine and -always- will.”
That confidence… I recognize it. It is good to hear this from him, although the way it slurs out of his mouth if I had a gallon of soap… But I know it is unfinished his words are continuing in his head. Who is the other side of this coin? Of his effective silence that I must find out?
“Your mother is she doing well?” I ask. Even if Tokio and I are basically separated, there was a time we were happy once that much cannot be denied thus the question must be asked. And even if it wasn’t the case, the mere fact that Tsutomu adores her, although quite an understatement is enough reason. It was enough reason for me to stay by his mother side while I asked Hide to wait.
“Uncle’s helping us and of course you already know mother’s relatives have been visiting here more often.” Tsutomu looks back at me, his eyes are like daggers much sharper than my own nippontou. “You should at least be here when they come… Maybe mother’s right, you need to get a job that pays well.”
It is the talk of my job that has always lent fire in my eyes. To belittle it is unacceptable. “If you tell me in advance when the Namuzawa’s will be coming I’ll be here, even if it’s just for face Tsutomu… I have been very patient with you this morning, but do -not- overstep your boundaries when you speak of my work.”
He runs his hand on his hair. His hair is short but wild and reminds me slightly of Enishi’s except that his is raven black like mine. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Maybe then your work was important, but times have changed. It’s more peaceful now and people can actually start acting like people instead of…”
I scowl and grab my son by the collar of his shirt. “Listen here -son- of mine… Do not speak of things you have no idea of. It’s fine to learn things in books but don’t be a fool and think you know everything!” I hiss and press him further on the wooden column. He grabs at my hand and narrows his eyes on me.
“You were always like this…” He spat the words out vehemently, “To me, to everyone in this household you were like this!”
I let him go. “What the hell are you talking about?”
He pushes me back with both of his arms, “YOU! YOU NEVER TALKED TO ME! TO US! YOU DIDN’T HAVE TIME FOR US! Just because you worked undercover doesn’t mean we have to understand all this! Or bear with it! Or bear with the shame knowing your father is a cold blooded killer!” He beats his fists on my chest, continuously and his words echo in my ear as if my whole life has just been debacled in one moment. My son… I have been hurtful in so many ways… But what bothers me is… “How did you?” I look back at him as I catch one of his hands.
“Tsutomu-nii!!! Don’t speak to Chichi like that!”
I turn my head and Tsuyoshi comes running flinging both of his thin arms at his brothers waist to stop him. They both fall down and I see my son’s face… I try to find the words but I’m completely lost at this revelation of how much he hated me. I had thought it was just because of Tsuyoshi but his eyes, those wild black eyes showed enough.
Tsuyoshi drags him back into the house and I turn to leave not minding to grab the coat I left in the living room. There’s no point staying for lunch nor to stay here another day. I just can’t and there are many things to think about. I light up another cigarette and drag my heavy feet towards the gate.
“Chichi don’t leave!” A voice calls from behind.
I can’t turn right now to meet him. I do not bawl in front of my children and if I see him… It will show again this weakness. I hate being weak.
“I have to Tsuyoshi. Tell your mother that rhe remittance is now in her bank…”
“That’s not it Chichi.” He runs and grabs my hand. “Please stay…”
I close my eyes and steel myself. Why is it so hard to deal with personal matters? If this was a domestic case, a case on the street, a disturbance, I’d know exactly what to do. I turn and hold his hand tightly.
“Tell me… How did the two of you know of my work?”
“It doesn’t matter Chichi.” He looks up at me, his face wet from the rain. “Because… You work hard right just like as Eiji said? And I… trust you. ”
I grab my young boy into my arms and I let myself cry for a moment for once glad that rain masked my face instead of me having to do it myself. The tears come out unbidden, they burn my skin as they rush out. My little one, I must do something. I can no longer tarry. Letting him go, I rush out of the gates.
This will be the last time I shall show my weakness to my little one. Just like I have promised myself to not ever show Hide my weakness, I shall never show that face to Tsuyoshi and Tsutomu. Scratch that, this will be the last time I will ever show weakness to -anyone-. It was my mistake a long time ago to rely on someone, to need someone. With Yaso, with Tokio, Saya and Hide… And a much bigger mistake to get my children involved. Hiroaki was right I am a fool.