(OOC – Not all of this post is suitable for all ages. You’ve been warned. Thank you.)
I of course got up last night to see to getting Makoto-chan fed. “I’m not feeling well…” she looks worried and I assure her that it’s a small thing… Putting on that facade of a smile that I once wore so well… she notices the bruises on my wrists. “Oh, Okaasan was clumsy,” I laugh a little, trying to make light…
I could fake a smile successfully but never a laugh.
I get her in bed earlier and I move my futon to the front bedroom. There are things that a child shouldn’t see of their parents; this … I don’t want my daughter to see my tears. These will be the hardships of her childhood to endure a selfish mother like -me-.
I lay there, lost in thought… my arm drapes across my eyes; I feel wetness there and turn to face the pillow. I can’t overcome…
The darkness welcomes me back… I know what kind of fool I am now to have begun to hope again, to think that things lost can be captured. To think that I can move through life and not have the past come back to me, to believe myself strong and accomplished for having managed this existence here. I should know… how I will be treated in these situations. No matter how careful I am… somehow I can’t escape it.
Blank. Just … let me be blank and not feel. Let me survive this life just long enough for her… I lose myself to the unthinking bliss of sleep.
I’m waken by a knocking, it’s… “Mochizuki-san?” I turn, aware that I must look like a mess… what time is it? Sunlight… it must be morning…
“Yagi-san… you didn’t come for Isuzu… I came here and got Makoto-chan ready and took them. Makoto-chan said you were sick?” I only nod. “Hai… thank you.” I’m sure… it’s only a matter of time before what happened at the onsen hits her ears and… both Makoto-chan and I will lose the best friends we’ve found in Ito.
“I got her breakfast and a lunch made… I always make too much…” and I’m hit by a wave of shame… I’m so selfish in this I’m not taking care of… I am that bad…
“Are you unwell? Makoto-chan said that she thought you might be…” she kneels next to me and I move away, trying to get a smile on my face. “Oh, a little, yes, thank you.”
“Do you have enough food here? Can I make you something? Have you sent word to Sugiyama-san?” She asks, all kindness, and for a moment, hearing the Sugiyama name… I almost… “Yes, I have plenty, I’ll be fine, and, ah, I already let her know.” Or more of a situation… that she let -me- know. “Thank you…” I lay back down, my arm again over my eyes to block out the morning sun. Just leave me alone, leave me alone…
“I’ll keep Makoto-chan until you come by to get her, and I will be back to check on you.” I lift my arm enough to see her worried smile… I nod, closing my eyes. Go away so I can go away… She leaves, sliding the door shut behind her and I hear her leave my house. Turning to my side, I drift back to sleep…
My life… my job… everything I had built these past years is now is collapsing all around me… I am as I was then… a woman who can only destroy lives.
Thursday, April 30th, night, to Friday, May 1st, morning
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Getting off the train I carry my bag and sling the jacket of my uniform on my shoulder. I’ve worked late again last night, trying to find out who’s who in the crime scene in Tokyo and who I can make connections with. It wasn’t too bad to stay up that late, certainly it worked out perfectly as I was by the train station with time to spare. I make my way through the crowds and decide to catch a carriage since I was carrying my nippontou. I cannot have people wondering why I am carrying one even if I am allowed to. Here in Ito I must appear as inconspicuous as possible.
The ride wasn’t too long and I let my eyes take in the shoreline as the driver seemed to be taking his time. I’m not in a hurry and it is always good to observe your surroundings. I’ve done so already but you never know what you might miss. Earlier we passed by Sugiyama’s onsen and I had to stop myself from getting off and meeting her there. I should just as usual wait. Finally we arrive and I pay the driver. Heading for the gates, I notice that it is unlocked.
Ah of course, I do not have a key and Hide knows I am coming. Of course…
I grin and enter, making sure to lock the gates. She’ll be with Makoto, so they should have a key. I head straight for the engawa and just as I was about to place my bags and start a cigarette I notice the windows are open. I scowl at that. How many times have I told her to be more careful? Thus I decided to poke around specifically, poke at the door to make sure it is locked and that I cannot pick it open. Little twitches appear on my temple as I realize the blasted thing isn’t locked!
HIDE!!!! We are going to have to talk… Have you forgotten everything I said back in Tokyo????
Grabbing my bag I enter quietly. Nothing seems to be out of place, but I might as well make sure. So I place my small bag and alighted the stairs towards the bedroom. My hand on the hilt of my katana in case I ever needed a quick draw. I go first to Makoto’s room. It is empty… I hope she is at school… I leave that door open just in case and listen for movement at the front bedroom. I slide the door slowly and breathe a sigh of relief.
She’s fine… And Makoto’s probably at school.
Letting go of my swordguard I enter the room and close the door quietly so as not to disturb her sleep. I would like to see her sleeping. Sitting down cross legged, I watch her sleeping face and smile. There are stray strands of hair covering her face and as I reach to brush them aside but stop when I notice a stain on her pillow. Looking closely, I see it is wet, I frown and look her over. I make no motion to touch her but my eyes glide over her like a hawk, Her wrist are bruised…
I shake my head. She will have to be disturbed, I have no choice especially since Makoto is not here. Perhaps once I confirm she is at school then I can leave her alone. Brushing the hair on her face I call out.
“Wake up Hide.”
Nothing nothing there is darkness and then nothing…
I sleep most of the morning away…
Wake up Hide
My eyes open slowly, feeling heavy. Who…? Oh… it is Friday… mid-day… just like that letter said…
“Hajime?” I shouldn’t have slept like this… I don’t want him to see me like this. The woman that raises his daughter shouldn’t be given to collapsing. And… the woman he loves is a strong woman.
I look at her as she turns.
“Of course it’s me. I told you I’d be here. Why aren’t you at work and where is Makoto?”
It was never my nature to beat around the bush, except that one time. Again patience is not really an inborn value of mine in these situations.
Of course it’s me. I told you I’d be here
He said… yes… I close my eyes again.
“Makoto is at school… and Mochizuki-san gets her from school.” What did she say this morning? “She will be there until I go for her.”
“Work… work…” My eyes rest on his hands. “I don’t believe that’s an issue anymore.” I look away. This room is a mess… I am a mess.
So Makoto is at school… But what is she talking about work not being an issue?
“Get up and meet me downstairs.”
I rise from my seat. I take one look back at that blasted pillow but do not look back at her wrist. Whatever happened at work, I wonder if it is connected. But what specifically is this talk about work.
“I’ll make you some tea.”
Leaving the room I get everything started. The pot the leaves and rummage for some coffee before finally lighting up.
He leaves…
It’s too easy to sink back to the futon and close my eyes… even Hajime is impatient with me. An old memory rises… of course, of course. Just like that time, but then it was all in my head.
I go back to the other bedroom, changing into a kimono and putting my hair up. I’ll leave putting away the bedding until later… there is tea waiting downstairs.
There, I see Hajime smoking. “Thank you for seeing to the tea,” I say, quietly.
“Sit down.” I indicate the chair with my eyes as I see to pouring her tea and myself a cup of coffee.
“Here drink that.” My eyes linger for a minute on what I saw earlier. “So tell me exactly what had happened.”
I turn to go sit opposite of her. My eyes lock onto hers. “And don’t leave anything out.”
I sit down. Closing my eyes, I try to let the aroma of the tea reach me…
So tell me exactly what had happened. And don’t leave anything out.
His eyes hold mine… I don’t look away. “Yesterday… the girl who goes to collect the money from the guests wasn’t there… and that task fell to me.”
“It went fine… until I got near the end. One of the guests was unhappy about spending so much on sake… and…” at this I finally break my gaze from his. I put down the teacup and stare at the bruises on my wrists, bright purple now.
In a low voice, “and he… attacked me.” I try to keep my breathing even, but flashes from yesterday – the look on his face, the smell of his breath…
Attacked her?
My eyes narrow into slits as I fight the urge to just go to her side.
“What did he look like and do you have a name?”
I think for a long moment, so this is why she’s not at work.
“We should go to Sugiyama and tell her this.”
He’s asking me questions… treating me as a cop. Not as the person right now that I need the most. But seeing me like this … he will only think me weak.
“Ogawa… I can’t recall the rest… it would be at the onsen, though.” I wonder if he’s still in Ito… “Medium height… short hair… Tokyo accent.” Which is common enough to hear from the tourists in Ito.
“Ah… Sugiyama-san knows… she… saw.” And thought the worst of me. “She thinks… that it was me… that was after him.” I clasp my hands together, keeping my eyes focused there. “And she sent me home. Told me not to come today… that she would let me know if I still had a job.” Her words… the way she said my name, without the -san… my future with her was already decided.
“So it is safe to say you do not have a job anymore?”
I drag on my cigarette and look up. This is unfortunate to say the least and an anger is rising in me which I find hard to keep in check. Hopefully it is not showing on my face.
“Do you still want to work in that place?” It is incredulous to ask of course but I need to know before I do anything to this bastard.
“How are your finances? Will it get you through a few months while you find employment?”
“It has been my job these past years… I do well there… and this house – I rent it from a relative of hers…”
Job… money… finances. Just that. “There is money.”
Ask me how -I- am…
There at times when I find stability in focusing on the practical aspects. I get up, suddenly, knocking over the teacup, and the remaining contents spill across the table as the cup rolls off onto the floor. I get a cloth to wipe up the spill, kneeling by the table, turned away from him, “I’m sorry… I’m just… I can’t even be trusted around a table without making everything amiss.”
Taking the tea-soaked cloth, I turn to the counter. “I don’t want this to stain…” I rinse it out with water… did Hiroku-san bring this in? I lean forward with my head against a cabinet. “Hajime…” his name slips out as my voice cracks. I’m not going to cry in front of him. I need to show him that I can keep my life together… keep the life that I’ve built for our daughter together.
“It has been my job these past years… I do well there… and this house – I rent it from a relative of hers…”
I close my eyes… She still wants to work there. Why? Ah yes, because she has a life here. I consider the choices in my head and tap the ashes. There’s not much I can do, but to speak to this Sugiyama in person and appeal to either her reason or to whatever is necessary.
Shet gets up and spill the tea but immediately she wipes it off. I watch through this whole charade. She’s not told me everything yet, she’s only told me what has happened.
“I’m sorry… I’m just… I can’t even be trusted around a table without making everything amiss.”
She tarries behind me and I can hear the water rush.
“Hajime…”
I do not open my mouth. If we were in Tokyo I can do something to fix this. I have connections… I have something there I can offer. Money perhaps that but it will be tight.
“Yes? What is it?” I get up from the table and place the now empty cup in the sink. Her head is on the cupboard as if she’s ready to fall. I grab her and push her down to where I sat.
“I can’t read your mind Hide. You know that and at times like these, the problems must be taken cared of first.” I sigh slightly. She still will not talk to me openly. We didn’t go very far from what we were after all.
I can’t read your mind Hide. You know that and at times like these, the problems must be taken cared of first.
Of course… “I know there are practical things to see to, Hajime. I -know-. But…” I reach behind me, searching for his hand. “I need you right now. I don’t want you to tell me that everything will be okay; that’s a simple answer and I don’t need that…”
Am I making sense? I take a deep breath. I need to be able to talk to him, even if his back is to me. If he is in my life now… I must have faith in him that I can rely on him when I feel like this.
I lift my head to look across the kitchen. “I was so scared. I didn’t know if I could fight him off – I had my tanto with me of course but he was too close. And then Sugiyama-san… -accusing- me… I was so angry and confused… and I didn’t know yet what I needed to do to make everything right. I was afraid that I was failing all of us… yet it was all something I had no control over.”
“And today… I wanted you to ask how I was doing just then a moment ago… not about money… but me.”
Finish rinsing the cup and take her hand. Why my mind is in turmoil, ah that’s nothing new. I kneel down because I can’t trust myself to stay steady, my head is just about to burst but I manage a grin and entwine my fingers tightly on hers.
I was so scared. I didn’t know if I could fight him off – I had my tanto with me of course but he was too close.
I nod my head slowly. This is the result when I am not where I am supposed to be… Just like Tsutomu said, I’m not around. He is right. Funny how a young man can see through the heart of the matter.
“Do not bring out your tanto. With a man much stronger than you, scream and runaway. Or just scream. A tanto can be used against you.” How I wish I can tell her there is no need for a tanto because I will be around, but we both know that is not the case.
And then Sugiyama-san… -accusing- me… I was so angry and confused… and I didn’t know yet what I needed to do to make everything right.
“I’ll take care of Sugiyama.” I look back at her. This place is so important to her, but I want to ask…
I was afraid that I was failing all of us… yet it was all something I had no control over.”
I finally get up and released her hand. I need another cigarette.
“If you have no control over it, then it’s -not- your fault. It’s as simple as that.”
Another stick… I should ask her. Maybe… She will agree.
“And today… I wanted you to ask how I was doing just then a moment ago… not about money… but me.”
I grin a low one at this and then look back at her. “I didn’t have to ask. I didn’t forget what kind of woman you are Hide. I could leave you alone and I know you will be fine because you are a strong woman.”
One more drag… It’s all I need. My eyes narrow even worse this time. There was once a time I was afraid that since she was so strong, that she did not need me. But now I must change my tune, everything, because I do not want her to think she is weak… She is not…
“Hide…” I look away and settled my gaze at the window. “Perhaps… You and Makoto should come back with me to Tokyo. It is a big city and city folk usually keep to themselves, you won’t have to put up with this non-sense.”
At least there I can be around more, unlike here. And does she honestly think I do not know what is going on with her here? The talk from those women the first day I came here, of how I found her… That was enough.
Looking back at her I wait for an answer.
Hide… Perhaps… You and Makoto should come back with me to Tokyo. It is a big city and city folk usually keep to themselves, you won’t have to put up with this non-sense”
I’m quiet for a moment – stunned at his offer, and the implications of it.
How we once spoke of how he used the word -perhaps-… and that he’s asking me to come back with him. I doubt it’s something he’s saying lightly… or just in response to what’s happened today
If we – Hajime, Makoto and I – are to make it together… we need to be closer than a day apart. “I love this place… I love the sea, I love this house, and the Mochizukis.” I look back over at him. “But I don’t like the rest of the people so much. The girls at school can be mean to Makoto because they hear things from their mothers…”
“I don’t like being so far from you. I want you by my side but I can’t offer you much here in Ito besides Makoto and myself. The police here… well, this it not Tokyo. Not much happens here, apart from troublemaking tourists.” Which I know too well… “And I can’t keep making you go back and forth again…”
I’m quiet again, and I get up to stand next to him. “I want to go back to Tokyo with you… but I want to go first to establish things, if I can get Mochizuki-san to look after Makoto for a few days… find a house, a school for her… and I want to work again.” I try to meet his eyes that are fixed to looking out the window. “I do better when I have things to occupy my time.”
I still feel the darkness that I spent the night in tugging at me… trying to whisper little doubts…. but I love Hajime and I put all of my trust and faith to him. I’m not running away… I’m returning to a life that I might have had if I had not run away when I was scared six years ago.
“I love this place… I love the sea, I love this house, and the Mochizukis.”
I know this I shouldn’t have asked but she follows it up immediately before I could say a word.
“But I don’t like the rest of the people so much. The girls at school can be mean to Makoto because they hear things from their mothers…”
“People are narrow minded…” I mutter.
“I don’t like being so far from you. I want you by my side but I can’t offer you much here in Ito besides Makoto and myself. The police here… well, this it not Tokyo. Not much happens here, apart from troublemaking tourists.” “And I can’t keep making you go back and forth again…”
I inhale deeply and the smoke rises on top of my head. “I really do not mind to go back and forth and why do you discount yourself and my daughter?” I look back at her. Does she still think that I do not value her? I look down… Well I was a bastard… Still am in a way… Can’t give up my work, even if it has given me up.
“I want to go back to Tokyo with you… but I want to go first to establish things, if I can get Mochizuki-san to look after Makoto for a few days… find a house, a school for her… and I want to work again.”
She’s beside me and once I hear those words… I feel a bit lighter and I pull her close by the waist. “Take your time…” I grin and then I remember our daughter. How will Makoto take this? Will she be open to such change? And how am I going to tell her I am her father?
And then I realize what Hide was speaking about, that -she- will find a house. I’m a bit stunned, I had offered to her to come to Tokyo but to actually live together… I try not to frown at this. Yes, she’s being more reasonable about this than I am. I just want to come home to her like I did before… But I am obviously pushing things a bit too fast to her liking.
At least she is coming ahou… Don’t be too demanding or you will ruin this again.
“Ah, you can stay at my place while you are looking for a house… And as for a job, give me a list of things you can do and what you are proficient on and I’ll send it around.”
Take your time…
I’m not sure how much time I have… “when you speak to Sugiyama-san… I need to be able to have this house while I’m still here.” I doubt that she is cold enough to make her relative demand that we leave this house immediately, but not having this place will make the process more difficult from a logistical point of view… and it would be harder on Makoto… this will be disruptive enough.
Ah, you can stay at my place while you are looking for a house…
I smile up at him… does he know how much I love to show him when he makes feel so happy? “I would like that…” I put my arm around his waist as he holds onto me. “And this house… in Tokyo… we will have to explain to Makoto… but…” suddenly I’m incredibly nervous, but I want him -with- me this time, not just for the afternoons. “If you’re just living above a shop… I wonder… would you prefer a house? Where… I would make you soba as often as you wish? I even wake up early enough to see you off in the morning.” Maybe I ask too much, too soon…
“when you speak to Sugiyama-san… I need to be able to have this house while I’m still here.”
“Yes I’ll do that. I will call on her for official business after all, so perhaps she will be more cooperative.”
I grin. No I do not abuse power, but it does come in handy. I finally put out the cigarette and embrace her with both hands. She’s still a bit short that I do have to bend slightly. It’s fine that we won’t live in a house together, she’ll be in Tokyo and we can go from there.
“I would like that…” I put my arm around his waist as he holds onto me. “And this house… in Tokyo… we will have to explain to Makoto… but…”
“Yes… Do you think it would be too soon if I speak to her about it tomorrow? Since I started this…”
I exhale a bit perplexed on what I’ll say to my daughter, but it is better that a lie stops as soon as possible. Instead of it dragging and then becomes unfixable.
“If you’re just living above a shop… I wonder… would you prefer a house? Where… I would make you soba as often as you wish? I even wake up early enough to see you off in the morning.”
My eyes go wide at this. I had thought -she- had wanted us living separately? I hold her tighter still. I’m confused. Was it my misunderstanding?
“Yes because I still want to come home to you and your cooking.” I chuckle slightly. Our lives will change again, it is probably too fast. But at least it is there, somehow reachable. I’ll have to think of the practicalities of course, but that can wait till later.
As he speaks of Sugiyama-san I wonder if I should go too… but I decide to let him handle this, as he said he would. Before I leave… I will go speak to her.
I put my other arm around him as he holds me closer, tilting my head up to keep my eyes on his.
Yes… Do you think it would be too soon if I speak to her about it tomorrow? Since I started this…
“No… not at all. I want her to get used to the idea, of moving, and having you around…” She already likes him, and our daughter… while she is stubborn and might not like it at first… I will assure her that we will not be strangers to Ito after we leave. We will still come back to visit the Mochizukis when we can manage.
Yes because I still want to come home to you and your cooking.
Hajime looks so surprised, and holds me tighter, and for a moment I wonder if I asked too much, that maybe he wanted me -there- but not to live with us, but then he speaks and I am reassured. So much has happened these past few days. There’s now so much changing… I remember a time when I feared change but not changing can be a terrible thing too. I could try to keep this life going here… but I choose a life with Hajime. “Good,” I manage to say, simply overwhelmed. “Our home…” I laugh softly, my eyes alight with happiness.
She speaks of a home. I’ve not had that in a long while… The last one was with her six years ago. I settle my chin on her shoulder and turn my nose to the side of her neck, closing my eyes and smelling her hair. Yes something familiar, she’s not denied me yet. Opening my eyes slowly I hold her and look back, a slight but amiable expression is on my face.
It is similar back then when, she gave to me the key to her home. The effects are the same, although I find myself slightly overwhelmed and slightly worried of the “what ifs?”. So many practical matters to think about, this I know at least. I hope she finds a life with me worth it even if it will probably not be easy and at times unpleasant.
“I should go and try to catch Sugiyama.” I tell her as I let go. “You won’t be working for her anymore, but I’ll leave that out. It would be best that you said your goodbyes to her, but not until I find out more about that bastard.”
My disposition again drops as I am pulled back to reality. Certainly her problems won’t be solved, but at least maybe she’ll be safer in Tokyo. The rumors though, I do not know how to stop those, unless of course… Yes after I take care of Ogawa, I must find her a place where she and I can start over and perhaps stop the wagging tongues. But to truly stop them… I have to be free and that certainly I am not at the moment.
I step away at arms length. “Hide…” I try to hold her gaze, “I am still married to Tokio.”
Ah I am such a stupid man. I should’ve told her this before I even asked, but I could not stay my tongue. I just wanted her to be with me and away from this place, where it is too far for comfort.
Not that Tokyo will be better ahou. People are the same everywhere.
“It is a problem I know. The rumors probably won’t stop…” My eyes fail me for once and they settle on my feet. “But I can keep on a facade as your husband… If we are careful perhaps it won’t be a problem.”
I glance up, for once pleading. Will she understand? She didn’t once… A long time ago. I know she didn’t and no woman should be put in this situation. It is unfair and cruel, but it’s all I can offer. My chest feels like it’s going to cave in as I wait once again. And what about Makoto? For a child whom I wanted to be named as such, the life I give my daughter is full of lies.
Hide… I am still married to Tokio.”
A simple statement but one so loaded with meaning… then if he lives apart from her… but -still- married….
Still… I keep my eyes steady on his as his look down, away from me. I think back… to how I once reacted to talk of his wife, the woman who kept him from me, the ties that kept them together in once sense prevented us from sharing that same bond. How I lashed out and acted so irrationally… afraid that she would take him from me, not out of love, but because she had that connection that I couldn’t have. But then there was a promise made… “I told you a long time ago, that I will wait for you to be free. I will still wait… but I’m going to wait by your side.”
It is a problem I know. The rumors probably won’t stop…
I nod, agreeing sadly. No, they won’t… but Tokyo is a larger place, and not as provincial in its attitudes and behavior. One small incident wouldn’t derail my life there as it has threatened to do here. We can blend in easier… just be another family, going about our lives.
Is it a fair life for our daughter? I have to believe that I’m doing best for her as well, to give her the one thing all of my hard work and careful plans could not – her father back, even if our lives will continue to be unconventional.
But I can keep on a facade as your husband… If we are careful perhaps it won’t be a problem.
The look on his face… I step forward, crossing the distance between us to again take him in my arms. “Careful. We’ll be careful,” I promise, as much to him as to myself. I don’t really believe this will be easy, there are so many considerations… Yet I want to try to have this dream we had so long ago… because I know how empty I felt without him in these past six years. I wonder how if that was true for him as well, as he did come looking for me.
I’m not the same in some sense as I was then, where I can’t see the shadows; and I am now all too aware of the consequences of a clandestine affair, and that a facade is just a front, a face to show to the world, but there is a truth behind that which we must show to the world. “Even if I cannot yet be your wife… I am still yours.” One arm moves from holding him to take his face to bring his eyes to look into mine.
I take her hand that is on my face and turn to plant my lips there. Perhaps this is something I still don’t fully understand. How is it that she will agree to a similar arrangement. It is something I know that she does not want.
Looking at her, I decide if she is leaving for sure then Sugiyama can wait. Her face now is different, from what I saw earlier. I hate seeing her tears it drives me insane and I cannot think. I hope never to see those tears again, especially if it is my doing.
“I’ll go later… I want to spend time with you before anything.” I smile, “But can you fix me something to eat? I’m starving.”
Yes if she is distracted enough then maybe we can have a moment of peace and forget for a few hours.
“I’ll wait for you in the tatami room.” I let her hand go and leave.
He leaves for the tatami room and I turn to start some lunch…
I wonder what Hiroku-san made for Makoto? Her help today… as always… she has been the best of neighbors.
Thinking about cooking… it’s a small step of order. Not following a routine… but it is something I truly enjoy; and cooking for those I care for… I feel some sense of balance that I lost yesterday returning. I wish Hajime didn’t have to see me weak like that, however. But weakness at times is a part of me, and if he accepts that… he accepts me for who I am.
Looking over my inventory of what I have…. I decide to prepare unagi and rice. It’s not Makoto-chan’s favorite so I doubt she would protest missing out on it. I will need to go to the market again soon… I had planned to go yesterday afternoon for fresher items.
I season it lightly, and preparing more tea and coffee and bringing water as well, I carry the tray into the tatami room, setting it on the low table. I sit next to Hajime, and smile. “I hope I didn’t make you wait -too- long…” Taking the food off of the tray, “but my excellent cooking is worth it, ne?”
The dish looks great. A simple dish definitely but I appreciate a hot meal, something aside from soba, which I still love.
“No not too long.” I take the bowl and dump a lump of rice onto my plate. “I still have to take a bite though to see if it is -indeed- worth it.” I grin and look up.
“Are you going to eat?”
I chuckle slightly. There was once a time we could not go through a meal. I try not to look at her why such things are going through my head escapes me.
I take some of the rice and meat for myself, and take a bite. Of course it’s good, I don’t make unagi often however. It is always a way of remembering my grandmother… it was by her side I learned how to cook.
He’s still not… I look over to him with a grin. “Are you going to eat or am I going to have to feed you? I would like to know if the wait was worth it.”
“Hmmm….” I finally glance up. My brows furrow in indecision.
I could let her feed me… That would be good… Maybe a little -too- good.
I cup my chin and I can feel a very amused smirk grace my lips.
We’ll see I guess.
Pushing the bowl and plate towards her, I look at her. She knows my answer.
That smirk… as if I -wouldn’t-…
I take a piece of the eel from his plate, and I lean closer, holding it to his mouth. “Open up…” I brush it across his lips, my eyes watching his. “I’m -waiting-.”
I lean forward and take the unagi with my teeth. It’s not a clean attempt though as part of the fish oil touches the side of my mouth. After swallowing, I clean the side of my mouth with my tongue. Licking my lips.
“Hmmm… Not bad.”
I swallow hard.
“Another one?”
I’m being… ridiculous… I think as I watch his tongue, and time seems to slow down… Absolutly… ridiculous.
I take another piece, this time using my fingers and not the chopsticks. “Not bad?” I lean forward again, offering it. “This time do try to eat it without making a mess of yourself,” I say in a low voice.
Because if I have to watch him do -that- again…
I watch as she puts the chopsticks down and uses her fingers. This will not be good. I -am- hungry but now as to what will satisfy that hunger… I do not know.
She offers it to me and dangles it just slightly above my mouth. I center it slowly and instead of stopping where the fish is, I can’t help but take part of her finger into my mouth. Letting my lips linger there longer than necessary.
Ahou… Now you can’t deny it.
I swallow quickly, unconsciously and tug at her neck. It looks like I won’t finish lunch as my hand guides her face down to meet me.
It’s too much as I feel his mouth at my fingers… it is what I wanted but… I am still surprised that he still…
I’m already slightly breathless as he moves and his lips find mine. I lean forward, my hands holding onto his upper arms as my lips part and my tongue darts out, seeking an entrance.
I let us fall back on the tatami. My hands roaming where they really should not be. I feel for her curves they are still there and I smirk even further through the kiss.
It’s been so long that I had her against me like this. There were times that I could not stop myself just like now. I have the worst timing I think, to the point of being callous but she responds, I know this as our tongues intertwine. My left hand caresses her neck while my right slowly starts to part her kimono exposing her shoulder.
Breaking away from the kiss I nuzzle her neck. I whisper, Do you think we should?”
There is a difference now unlike before when I absolutely had no discipline, now everything I do with regards to this with her… It is just different. Different or not, I still -do- want her.
Now that we are on the floor I no longer need to hold him for support, I let my hands run up his arms to his shoulder, one hand going to the back of his neck to pull him closer to my hungry kiss; the other playing with the top button of his shirt.
Do you think we should?
I pull away to look at him. The desire… is still there, yet there are things to consider now. “Perhaps not…” I get up and leave the room, not looking back at him.
I’m doing what I must… no matter how hard it is to break away.
I’m only gone a moment before I come back and go back to the floor by his side, and I go for another quick kiss, a brief yet forceful one that shows how much I want him.
I break away. “Not until I had locked the door.” I whisper into his ear as my tongue dances along its edge.
Perhaps not…
She pulls away and looks back at me… I try not to blink as I pull my hand back. She looks at me and I grin, there’s no need to show her what I am thinking right now. I’m being unreasonable I suppose and being callous.
I sit up and take a drink.
Well I can’t blame myself for trying.
I smirk at the floor and I hear a click from outside.
She’s gone… Just like before I scared her away.
I start to get up. I should apologize for pushing things but she comes back to sit beside me… Her mouth on mine and my eyes go wide slightly confused.
“Not until I had locked the door.”
My eyes close and a small chuckle escapes my lips as her tongue plays at my earlobe. I pull her to face me. Putting her in place as both my hands part her kimono and start to work on her obi. I know how to work these now… Unlike before when I would just rip it off her.
I grit my teeth as I finish my work my eyes taking in her naked front. She is as usual beautiful and her skin flawless. I reach behind her.
“I want this off as well.”
Indicating her hair that is tied, a knot that is completely uncooperative.
He seems surprised… I should apologize for teasing but I don’t want to worry about anything beyond this room…
Before I know it, he had my kimono parted, and the obi discarded.
I want this off as well
He tugs on my hair… he always did want it down but in my life it Ito I have always worn it up. I pull out the few pins that keep it up, and my hair falls down, a pin I had forgotten falls to the floor. I lean forward to put the pins on the table, and to him for another kiss… I can’t get enough… and I let my kimono slide further down my shoulders.
I break the kiss to tug at the top button of his shirt with my teeth. “I want this off as well,” I say, repeating his request to me.
I smile at that. I always liked her hair down. I do not recall she had worn it down ever since I got here…. But the past weekends have been at the very least like a tempest and I in the middle of the eye of a storm.
Her lips so sweet and yet I found myself crushing it everytime we touched. My hands roam wide atop of her bare skin, her shoulder, her breast. Under my touch she feels so soft it burns me.
I begin to lay her down once again but she starts tugging at my jacket.
I want this off as well
I comply at that, removing my jacket quickly. The long sleeves are always a bother after all, but I do leave my shirt on. I do not want it off.
“Try not to bite. That’s my thing.” I guide her and start to let my tongue roam first on her shoulder and slightly sucking at her neck.
His hands start to explore my skin and I can’t keep back the slight moan that escapes… he knows how to lead me to insanity. He takes off that jacket as well. He looks wonderful in it but out of it…
Try not to bite. That’s my thing
“Ah yes… the one time I bit you, you kept going on and on about it…” I laugh softly in his ear as I nip on his earlobe. “And it was only a little nibble… I shall have to content myself with tasting…” I run the tip of my tongue down his jaw to his neck as I as I pull him down to lie with me on the tatami.
I stop the play on her neck before it actually turned red. I have always been obssesed on leaving some form of mark on her…
Ah yes… the one time I bit you, you kept going on and on about it…
I just smile at this. That was a great way to get her attention. I kiss her eyes and the tip of her nose, while my hand played on her breast. My right hand pull her left arm above her, exposing the underside where the skin barely meets with the sun. It is there that I run a trail of kisses from the base of her shoulder. And my nostrils get themselves acquainted once again with her smell.
Stopping I pull her up to sit on my legs, it is then that I start my assault on her breast. A place I once knew so well…
I love it when he smiles when we are like this…
Everywhere that he touches me… with his hands, his lips… it leaves a trail of fire… this fire and sweetness I once knew so well. I bury my hands in the back of his hair, and then run them down his back, I want to touch every inch of him… He pulls me up to him as he is sitting and I take advantage of being free of the kimono to straddle his lap. I grin for a moment but as he finds my breast… all thoughts of being clever fly from my mind. “Hajime…” I say his name, softly, with a bit of a gasp. How I always liked to call out his name…
My hands go from his back to the front of his chest, running over the muscles… I know from the other day that he still looks amazing… I want to see it again so I start to pull his shirt from his pants.
She calls out my name and I find it hard to turn, so I let her hands play on my hair.
“I’m rather -busy- at the moment.” I manage to say and turn my attention on her other breast. The softness that I find there is intoxicating. It is hard not to bite.
She starts to pull on my shirt and I stop her hands and lead it to where I want her, right where my need is.
“Hime-sama…” I manage to say catching my breath and her lips. Fighting her hand and fighting her tongue as well.
“Ah, continue on then…” I reply, breathlessly as he answers to my calling of his name. I don’t wish him to stop… ever.
If I wasn’t otherwise occupied I would laugh a little as he moves my
hand lower… through the fabric of his pants I can feel… that he is not unaffected by our actions. With one hand I unfasten his belt and begin to unbutton just enough to allow my hand to find him and re-acquaint myself with that particular aspect of him…
Breaking from the kiss, I lean forward to whisper in his ear, “you are so obvious sometimes, my love…” I kiss the tip of his nose. “But then again, I am as well…” because if he were to explore lower, he would find evidence of mine…
“you are so obvious sometimes, my love…”
I know this… I know this ever since that first time she came to me. When there was nothing but loneliness. My eyes narrow at the old memory, of how much she had changed my life back then. I want those days back. I want them and she and I know that sometimes physicalities between us are much more easier to express.
In a haste I lay her back down. I want her back. My head chants it that I can’t focus on anything else. I look at her breathing heavily and reach to where her womanhood is, I realize she might want me as well. So I part her legs with an urgency I haven’t felt since that day I was crazy jealous over her past. A past that I could not compete with.
“I want you -now-.” I tell her as I press her shoulder against the tatami. I take her hand that is on my shaft and settle it on my neck as I decide to enter her, a bit too forceful than what I would’ve liked. But I can’t wait anymore.
It all moves so fast as he has me on my back… but it always goes so fast, even if the play goes on… these moments of our intimacy are so fleeting yet so endless…
I want you -now-
“I told you that I was -yours-” I manage to say as I try to remember to breathe. “I want you…” I say as a smile crosses my face, one hand on his neck where he placed it, the other I settle on his lower back to move him forward as I raise my hips up to meet him. For a moment as he enters me I tense up, it’s been so long… but it flees as quickly as it came as he glides inside me, as I was ready for him… recalling the moments I once felt of being complete, because when we are together like this it is as if we are one.
My movement is rather harsh a bit too expedious, that I find it hard to pace my breathing. I hold her gaze and grit my teeth as we move together.
Don’t look away Hide…
The words that I want to tell her because… I don’t know if after this she’ll leave me. I take her hand that is on my neck and lace my fingers there. My lips part slightly to accomodate my now panting breath. I try to maintain some sort of composure as I realize I will not last long in her. It’s been so long that this hunger has been left unsatisfied. The muscles on my back tense as I near my completion… As does my hold on her hand go tighter.
Burying my head on shoulder, I hear my own breathing. Damn it… If only I had paced things, I’m too close that she might not be there with me yet. But my body responds as I thought it would and I reach my climax, not knowing how it was with her.
Spent… I hold her against me tightly and roll to my back letting her lie on top.
I whispher, “I’m sorry.”
I’m lost in his eyes, those amber depths… as he moves with me, waves of pleasure move through my body, from where we are joined to race all through me… did I forget how this was such a all-consuming act? The world that exists outside of the two of us, panting and sweating and lost to this, it falls away… I don’t make a sound as I feel him reach his completion, and mine follows a moment after, my release not as explosive as other times but I am overcome with bliss… utter happiness… that I am his again.
Then it’s over… he rolls me over so I remain on top of him.
I’m sorry
I kiss his lips, lightly, before looking down at him. “Why sorry?” I didn’t want him to regret that we did this… that we have crossed the line back into being lovers again. “I told you… I wanted you.”
Why sorry?”
I shake my head. It wasn’t that at all. About wanting… It was because with this and everything else I am leading her back to a life with myself. Things that I have done in between away from her which I hope not to haunt us, those things I am apologizing for. I consider whether to tell her, but decide not to.
“Maa… Sorry it didn’t last long.” I smirk and lift her up. Fixing her clothing and mine.
I get up and kiss her cheek. “Thank you though. I needed you.”
Turning to the cold unagi and rice, I start to eat to get my strength back before I meet with Sugiyama. It’s not yet late, so I hand her a bowl. “We should finish this.”
Maa… Sorry it didn’t last long
I shake my head and grin softly at him. “You lasted long enough for me…” I take a sip of the now -very- cool tea, “I was -quite- pleased.” I say… but there’s something about it that makes me wonder… what else could it be for?
Thank you though. I needed you
I look back at him, my eyes serious. “Ah, thank you, Hajime…” it is not just I that gives this freely but him as well… I needed him in so many ways today. I fix my clothes and put my hair back up.
Time has passed. “I should go shortly to get Makoto-chan from the Mochizukis.” I will need to talk to Hiroku-san but not this afternoon… it’s best that I do it when someone who lives to overhear things isn’t around.
I look down at our lunch… “You are right… we should… it is too good to go to waste.” I wink at him before starting to eat my lunch.
I was -quite- pleased.”
Grinning I tilt my head. “Glad to hear that. I didn’t want to disappoint.”
I should go shortly to get Makoto-chan from the Mochizukis.”
“Alright. I might take a while, so don’t wait up for me tonight.”
She winks at me and I nod my head and pop a piece of eel into my mouth. As she raises the bowl of rice, I notice again the bruises on her wrist. Not letting my eyes linger there so she does not see.
I finish my share of the meal put on my uniform jacket and head out, leaving my bag. I decide to take my katana with me. Perhaps I’ll get to know this Ogawa find out of his other atrocities, my blade is getting rusty from lack of use.
(OOC: Saitou will now exit unless stopped)