What’s in a name?

In the early autumn of 1872 I was released through the good grace of Matsudaira Katamori and find myself once again Aizu.
“I’m glad you’re doing better Saitou-kun or should I say Denpachi-san?”
Matsudaira grins and I’m standing there like a fool. Restraining myself from hitting him right across the face.
“I’ve been better.”
“Gomenasai. It took us longer to find you. Who would’ve thought you’d be caught?”
He chuckles and I feel slightly more jilted. I kept my mouth shut though. If the Daimyo wasn’t around I’d probably rot in that prison.
“Anyway… I’ve procured new papers for you. Make sure you carry it around. I took the liberty to change your name to Fujita Goro.”
Taking the paper I examine it carefully. Another name. Another identity.
“I’ll arrange for you to be employed in the Meiji somehow, I’ll be leaving for Tokyo tomorrow. You’ll have to give me time, since…”
“Yes that’s fine.”
“Do you like it?”
“What?”
“The name Fujita?”
“It doesn’t matter. One name’s as good as another.”
“Don’t treat that lightly. It’s a new life for you and the name itself has roots of prominence and prestige.”
“I don’t care for any of that.”
I watch as he slowly started laughing. Telling me I have not changed one bit since he first employed me as his spy. Shaking my head I turn to leave.
“Aren’t you going to ask why I’m doing this?”
“No. It does not matter.”
“You still have people who care about you. Old friends.”
That does not matter either. Turning my head slightly, I go on to my quarters. I’m back in Aizu. Aomori and Kyoto, even Hokkaido was all just a bad dream. It’s getting late and I should turn in.
Laying in bed, sleep it never comes easily. The sunsets in Aomori… The barren fields and the endless sea was paradise compared to here. There was once a time Aizu, it had meant more than life. The place is still reminiscent of my childhood days, but it seems distant
Throwing an arm over my eyes in an effort to block out all light, I found myself thinking… More… Unending about what the Daimyo had just done. I’ve heard it said before, that a name was important. It’s always been a puzzle why everyone would be so attached to a name, even a title for that matter. It was even more confusing that Matsudaira himself found it appropriate to bestow a new name for myself. The name Fujita Goro had no meaning for me. It was just like the many names before, a tool to use to move unhindered and the titles for use to get people to do what you want. A rank is used as a power over men under your command. I suppose they hold their own purposes. I have heard that you can barter with the devil himself if you found out his true name. That is amusing… Hey Oni… Your true name is thus… Go do what I want. Thus I find holding a name abominable. Anyone can use it to blackmail, coerce or hurt you. I would rather walk this earth unidentified. It would not bother me the least bit if I died without it.
I hear echoes of children voices, playing in the garden. I suppose it is not yet dark. It really isn’t. I’m just lethargic these days. But children are children… When I was younger my father would take me to train here in Aizu under several kendo styles… The Ittou Ryu.. Mugai Ryu… He trained lower class samurai, he had always been held in esteem. I wonder who those old friends the Daimyo was speaking about? Old friends of my father or childhood friends of mine. Only them who knows my father called me Yamaguchi Hajime. Now that I think about it, the name wasn’t so creative at all. He probably took it from my birth date. Either he… Or maybe haha ue. Bah! It does not matter!
I try to close my eyes. Unsuccesfully. They lie open even with my arms over them. Yamaguchi… Yamaguchi Jirou, another name that did not hold meaning. Just a name I used after Itou, after Hijikata asked me to leave. Heh… Not that didn’t stop me from coming back. I was the Third Troop Captain… I was Saitou Hajime… A Mibu Wolf.
I wince… That name, I was once so proud of it. Power… Authority… To be held to a standard. To choose which life to take and which to spare. To be something… To be someone… To be held to a grand idea. Was it the most meaningful part of my life? Maybe not… But the most exciting and fulfilling yes it was. And now, I lost that too. We lost the war and suddenly I was lost, just wandering around in Japan up north… No purpose. Nothing to live for after I failed miserably in Hokkaido.
A grunt escapes my lips. Losing… I hate it. Right now I am losing control… I lost the war for the Shinsengumi. I lost the war for Aizu. I lost the war for that small settlement in Aomori. I am to put simply a walking mass of bad luck. A loser in every sense of the word. And yet in Aomori I had thought there was a life to live there as Inouhe Denpachi. To start over with Yaso and my new identity, that was supposed to be the first step in getting my life back.
Tossing roughly on the bed, I took the pillow from under my head to put over my face. To suffocate and hopefully die, but I started snickering uncontrollably. A futile attempt…
Kami-sama if there was only a katana in view I would commit seppuku right now.
Throwing the pillow to an opposite wall. It doesn’t even elicit a thud, rather it clings to the wall momentarily before dropping slowly towards the floor. I stand and rip the pillow into pieces. Duck feathers and cloth flying about. I should end this pitiful life, just like this pillow. But no I can’t… Not yet… Not until I find her. Matsudaira, although I loathe him for not letting me rot, maybe he knows something. When he comes back we will have a long talk.
From Tokyo… Wasn’t Tokyo, Edo? My home? I scoff at the name. I hate the way it sounds! It’s like a constant ringing in my ears. My old home was Edo but I hated that too.
A name defines existence… Edo my home is no more. And those names all of which were false… Then that means my very existence is false… Is it not? Fujita Goro is non-existent.
(OOC: Inspired by a chat session (you know who you are), Saitou’s b-day and an episode in Gundam Seed – Destiny. LOL! I’m having a little trouble with dates.. Apparently he wasn’t released so early, so I edited it to sometime around Oct/Nov. And yes his state of mind is confusing, but really now there must’ve been many times he doubted/hated himself)