For there are many reasons…

Having just returned from an assignment, I knew they would all be sleeping. I open the door slowly and see Tokio laying on the futon with my youngest son Tsuyoshi. Not wanting to wake them up I decide to wait, it is almost morning and soon I can retire. I turn back heading for the kitchen when I notice that Eiji’s door was wide open. I close it slowly. Tsutomu must’ve thrown a fit again. His fear of the dark, that’s something I have to deal with soon. He can’t always rely on Eiji nor his mother to comfort him on something so trivial. Fear is good but only for the right reasons…
Fixating myself at the kitchen door I start feeling the weariness that seems to bite at my back. I slump and sit down to lessen the pressure. It is still dark and only the crickets are keeping me company. Not that they’re much help, on the contrary they are rather inconvenient and troublesome.
Trying to relax a bit, I reach into my breast pocket and take out a pack of cigarettes. I know this will kill me someday but I know it is not my time yet. Too many unfinished business and too many questions. The first of which is the Battousai. The man who killed many comrades. The man who always managed a draw in our fight. The man who denies what he once was and lives the life of a pacifist. What utter nonsense! What disillusionment! I abhor men like him but then again… The question remains why did I help him? Not once but twice…
Puffing on the cigarette, the smoke dances over my head. I look up as if searching for an answer among the false clouds. Nothing but utter confusion. Very much the same as the time when she had asked me what it is that I lived for.
Yaso…
Didn’t I tell her I lived to fight those who are not one with us? Those who did not adhere to the ideals of bushido? Why was it that she answered in silence? Was that not good enough? My father died upholding those ideals…
Painful memories start rushing in. My mother who wasted away after my father died… My brother who sold himself to the devil supporting us… My own selfish dishonorable acts… I must atone for all us, my father’s legacy will not be in vain.
Forgive me Yaso but I will die fighting.