Nothing?EUR? Suddenly everything is back to how it was. Ah?EUR? But here in Tokyo, it?EUR(TM)s been like this since I can remember and here familiarity is something I can comfort in. Kawaji left yesterday for Kyoto. I declined to go with him, there are too many shadows there and if we are to spend a few days there for boring bureaucratic processes and social meetings then I simply do not have the patience right now. Why is it that, that short man keeps trying to get involved in these boring activities escapes me?EUR? All I know is he is a fool who does not understand me like Okubo did.
How I envy that young man, Shindou?EUR? I saw the bastard again Monday morning, apparently he just got back from Yoshiwara and headed straight for Kawaji?EUR(TM)s office. I heard his voice as I passed by, giving a report and certainly quite the proud rookie for it. I never was like that?EUR? Actually I abhor men like that, those who toot their own horns to climb the ladders quickly. I just hope Kawaji will not act like a fool and get taken in by the young man. Still even if Shindou easily placed himself on my list, I find myself looking at the young man, not in awe but in anger and jelousy. It?EUR(TM)s hard not to?EUR? He is simply young, able and in the right place?EUR? The place where I wanted to be, to vindicate my existence again?EUR? To have a reason to live?EUR? To justify why I am alive and the others are not.
I glance up from the papers on my desk. I?EUR(TM)ve finished them all earlier and edited quite a few blunders here and there, both of my doing and those of my less than competent staff. Maybe I?EUR(TM)m just nit picking?EUR? It?EUR(TM)s still a way to pass the time. I look towards the bookcase, a multitude of government publications of the new laws and proposed Keishikan and Judicial restructuring. Perhaps I could read them, the whole time they?EUR(TM)ve been there I?EUR(TM)ve only taken out those absolutely necessary for my assignments. Most of the time they were never necessary, since after all I did the dirty work for the Meiji and that usually meant that it is outside the scope of what is deemed as socially and publicly acceptable.
Standing up, I decide to leave earlier than usual. Sitting here doing nothing is tiring?EUR? I close the door behind me, taking out the key I stop mid-way. There?EUR(TM)s no point in locking my office. I keep nothing of importance there and I do nothing of importance either. Walking away, I toss the key into my pocket. I hear a murmur from behind but discount it?EUR? Had they never seen a man leave work early? Haven?EUR(TM)t I?EUR(TM)ve seen them do this before? I?EUR(TM)m tempted to turn around and give them a good scowl but I do not. Unlike them, I have no one to hurry home to and when I used to have that?EUR? I was too busy. No?EUR? I do not regret what I have done in terms of how I chose work over my own?EUR? I always believed that it was for the best?EUR? Indirect maybe?EUR? But in that I am sure even Souji would understand.
I walk around in circles through the city. The electric lamps are starting to burn as I pass through Ginza. There are carriages on the street that pass me, as if time was of the utmost importance. It used to be, but lately I just float around in this space waiting for something to happen?EUR? A violence on the street, a drunk harassing someone, random acts?EUR? Nothing planned?EUR? Unlike back then, everything?EUR? I knew everything and the Department of Internal Affairs was like a second home?EUR?
It?EUR(TM)s then that I spot a sake vendor. I stop and consider my options?EUR? If I get to sleep early then the day would go faster and I can be at work earlier. I was always fond of drinking contrary to what everyone thought. Yes it made me a sometimes violent and unpredictable man back then?EUR? But it did help in Kyoto?EUR? It made me sharp and fearless?EUR? Probably because I wasn?EUR(TM)t able to think. In fighting, sometimes it?EUR(TM)s just better to let your body do as it remembers?EUR? Thinking could slow you down and cost you your life. So I walked over to him.
?EURoeGood evening sir, sake for you??EUR? The man asks. I look him over he seems ragged and tired. Then I look at his sake?EUR? Still quite a few bottles left.
?EURoeBusiness is not going well??EUR? I ask.
He smiles, ?EURoeAh for old sake peddlers like me?EUR??EUR? He points to a nearby restaurant, ?EURoeThey?EUR(TM)ve taken most of the customers away.?EUR?
?EURoeWhy don?EUR(TM)t you open one then??EUR? It?EUR(TM)s rather simple really his problem?EUR?
He chuckles and hands me a cup and I drink it standing up.
?EURoeGood sir. I?EUR(TM)m too old-fashioned for that?EUR??EUR? He looks thoughtful for a moment, ?EURoeAlthough I am being left behind with the times I guess. If I were younger maybe?EUR? But there is still value in what I do.?EUR? He smiles at me as I hand him the empty cup. He take a moment and pour for me again.
I drink once again, this time slowly and paying more attention to the sake as it travels down warming my throat. ?EURoeValue??EUR? I shake my head and indicated he should pour once again.
?EURoeYes of course my good sir… After all, if I wasn?EUR(TM)t standing here you wouldn?EUR(TM)t be warm tonight.?EUR? He chuckles and I smirk back.
?EURoeHow many till you break even??EUR? I ask.
He shrugs and chuckles, ?EURoeThree more bottles. But if I stay here for a few more hours it should turn out fine.?EUR?
?EURoeHere give me three.?EUR? I reach into my pocket and give him the bills I have left.
?EURoeYou don?EUR(TM)t have to sir.?EUR? The old man winces at me.
?EURoeI insist?EUR? Go home to your wife?EUR? Your children I suppose do not live with you anymore.?EUR?
He looks at me a bit flabbergasted.
?EURoeWhat??EUR?
?EURoeAh?EUR? Don?EUR(TM)t drink too much tonight. Sake should be enjoyed slowly.?EUR?
?EURoeI?EUR(TM)ll try oji-san and you shouldn?EUR(TM)t stay here any longer than necessary.?EUR?
I bid him goodbye. I think I am envious of him as well?EUR? But I cannot help but feel a slight air of familiarity earlier, perhaps that’s why I wanted him to leave his place… I head to ?EUR“my- home. Thankfully, Marohu-san and his daughters have all retired for the night that no one is there to raise their eyebrows at the bottles I have bounded in my arms. Closing the door to my room, I look at the un-made bed. No sense in making it now when I?EUR(TM)ll just sleep on it and mess It up again tomorrow?EUR? And no sense to make it tomorrow either. Placing the bottles down on the low table I open the window right beside it and then head to a corner where there is a small sink and a cupboard that holds all the glassware and silverware. Opening the cupboard, I take out a cup and some dried fish, the left over from dinner last night. Smelling it first, I decide it?EUR(TM)s still edible. I close the cupboard and suddenly I?EUR(TM)m very appreciative of how everything in this room is somehow situated vertically?EUR? The cabinets and drawers are all hanging from the wall?EUR? Maa?EUR? if they were on the floor, it would be too inconvenient. This room is small enough after all.
Lighting a cigarette and sitting cross legged on the tatami, I start to smoke and start on the sake as well.
May 6, 1885 – Loitering
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I take my time finding where Hajime lives… just unsure if I’m doing the right thing. Didn’t he say once that a woman should never chase after a man?
I stop by the old house… my old house. Sitting in the carriage, looking at it, my chest feels tight, is it from the bindings or from something else. “You going in?” asks the driver.
I look at the house. I see the gate open, and a man enter. As it closes behind him I see him being greeted by a woman holding a baby… my vision blurs. “No.” I tell him. “Go on.” I give him the address where I send Hajime’s letters.
I notice an inn nearby as we come close… I’ll go there later, after I see Hajime.
The store is closed and quiet by the time I arrive. Oh, lovely plan, Hide. Just -show up-. But this is the address… and this is an import shop, as he had told me. I see lights on above the shop, that must be the family that owns the shop… where is Hajime’s room in relation to this? I can’t just knock.
I move around the side, down an alley, and I see a bit of garden around back. I see a window with a light on, and a familiar profile… my heart stops for a moment and I have to fight the impulse to turn and run.
Women shouldn’t chase after a man.
No. I didn’t come this far… to turn back now. I move close to the fence, about to call out his name, but remember where I am.
“Fujita-san.” I say his name, hoping to get his attention and not that of the other residents.
It’s good that it’s a cool night. The sake is hot, not the way I really like it but sake is sake. Swig after swig, I remember how I used to sit alone in my quarters to drink an hour before patrol and then sitting along the engawa drinking again right after we got back. Kondou-san would usually shake his head at me, saying that it was good I drank -after- duty. I’d raise my cup and nod. Inwardly, laughing at how perfect my -plans- were…
I chuckle a little, old friends… Comrade in arms… Old times…
Fujita-san
A soft but strange voice calls at someone. Fujita… No no… I am the Third Unit Captain. Trusted spy of the Daimyo and the Fukuchou. A slave driver in the dojo and a follower of the Kyokuchou. I close my eyes, how I wish he would go away. That cop would just go away, but he won’t so I oblige him with a toast. After which I turn around…
Beyond the low fence, I see someone and I smirk.
Of course it’s not her…
“How are you Yagi-san?” I place my hand on the window sill and bowed slightly. That person who was a good friend, of course -she- will visit once in a while.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” I supress a belch that is right at my throat.
How are you Yagi-san?
He bows… Yagi-san… how that hurts, but perhaps it’s in response to the ‘Fujita-san’. “Ah, Hajime, could you let me in?” I indicate the gate. “I came to see you.” I look over at him, he doesn’t seem surprised to see me.
If she wasn’t a good friend of mine… I’d tell her to climb the fence or open the gates herself. But she is, so I stumble my way out.
Ah Saitou-kun you are being a bad example to your men.
A voice echoes and I lean first on the wall where I am hidden, before finally able to walk in a straight line I head over to the gate.
“Come in Yagi-san.”
I think you’re wrong Fukuchou. I am fond of my sake but I carry it well.
I wait for her to enter before closing the gate. “The room is the last one to the left I tell her.” If I walk behind Yagi-san, it’s fool proof.
Taking my bag, I walk ahead of him to the room he indicated. It’s not as neat as I thought it would be… but then again I’ve never seen a place where he lived.
Then I see the bottles and wonder, something in his bearing… “Thank you, Hajime.” Stop calling me Yagi-san… I put down my bag and look over at him.
“Thank you, Hajime.”
I close the door behind me. Hajime? No one calls me that… I tilt my head and frown. I head back to my seat. Now that I’ve let her in, I wonder what this is about?
I place a cup beside her and poured, then poured one for myself. I stare down at the clear liquid for a moment before drowning it. “So Yagi-san, how are your brothers? How are you? It’s been what now six years?”
Looking at my cigarette, it’s still burning but I ignore it this time. I still have two more to go through.
I look at the sake… I’ve not had anything to drink since that one night a long time ago. I sit down and watch him drink.
So Yagi-san, how are your brothers? How are you? It’s been what now six years?
Then I realize… the ‘Yagi-san’… and this question. “You just saw me Saturday night, Hajime.”
Her… I think of the shadow I saw earlier in the train station. “Who do you think I am?” I ask in a low voice.
“You just saw me Saturday night, Hajime.”
I look at Yagi-san and quirked my eyebrow. Saturday? I cannot recall anything. “I was busy back then Yagi-san. Sorry I didn’t notice you.” I furrow my brows trying to think on where could she have seen me…
“Who do you think I am?”
Grinning, I decide she’s too tense. “Have a drink. You must be tired.”
Ah how lucky Souji is with her. Yes the ahou used to go on and on about her. Now that I look closely, I think I can understand…
“Ah, yes, I am tired, but I wouldn’t care for a drink,” I answer. He’s drinking enough for the both of us.
His answers puzzle me… who does he think I am… when does he think we are? “Saturday… I made you dinner.” I tell him. “Tuna. Soba. Fried tofu.”
The woman I saw earlier was a reminder of the strangeness we’ve lived through and still experience. Is tonight another one of those times?
Ah, yes, I am tired, but I wouldn’t care for a drink
I shrug and grin, well mannered women do not drink anyway. Only those in Yoshiwara and Shimabara do. I take the chopsticks and pick on the fish. Hmmm… It tastes kind of sour… Ah who cares it’s almost done anyway. Ah.. I forgot.
“Here if you would like some. I’d offer you something else but that’s all there is.”
Saturday… I made you dinner.” “Tuna. Soba. Fried tofu.”
I do love those… I drink some more as I listen to her. I start to wonder if I’m dreaming. Saturday… I was… somewhere by the river I think…
“That can’t be I spent the whole day by the Tamagawa and that night as well.” I think… I chuckle and start on the new bottle and the sour fish. I look at the ashtray and notice that the cigarettes burned out.
“No thank you.” I refuse the fish. I had something on the train.
That can’t be I spent the whole day by the Tamagawa and that night as well
He doesn’t…
“No…” I whisper. It hits me. What I have stumbled into.
“You… you really don’t remember…” I put my hand on the table.
No… no… he didn’t. I try to keep a calm face. That’s why he thinks I’m her.
He’s forgotten all about me.
Just like I always feared that he would… he let it be taken. Everything.
I think I’m going to belch… I swallow hard and follow it up with the sake.
“Saitou-san did you see Hidejiro?”
“No Souji… Maybe he left with Nagakura.” I choke to keep from laughing. In truth, I just saw her a minute ago with her grandmother. But that’s not Hidejiro… So I’m not lying.
Chortle… I chortle as I finish the fish and decide to forego the sake cup and just drink from the bottle.
“You… you really don’t remember…”
I’m confused… “Of course I remember you Yagi-san…” How lucky that ahou Souji was. Maybe… Well he is gone now… I move closer to her and lightly settle my hand on hers.
“So tell me, why did you really come here to visit.” I grin. Maybe now with Souji gone…
Of course I remember you Yagi-san…
No. No you don’t. I feel everything shattering. This is why I left Tokyo all those years ago. This fear… I never thought that he would forget me now.
So tell me, why did you really come here to visit.
“I came here to talk to you… I convinced Mochizuki-san to watch Makoto… but…” I stand, unable to take this anymore, the names mean nothing to him. The name of our daughter. “But… I think I shouldn’t have come.”
“I’m sorry.”
I look down at the man drinking from the sake bottle. So many emotions swirl through me. Anger. Confusion. Pain. Overwhelming pain, and I feel so empty.
Later maybe I can take comfort in that I know what happened. That I knew what happened to him as opposed to having him just disappear on me.
She says something I don’t catch. Something about watching… And I -do- watch her get up. That ahou… I wish it was me.
“But… I think I shouldn’t have come.”
I finish the sake in front of her. If I’m going to do this I need a good stomach for it. I feel hot now but slightly just off kilter. Why is it that I need to belch?
Grabbing her hand I pull her roughly down, pinning her between myself and the tatami. “Hidejiro! You will not…” Run away again… I let the back of my hand feel the soft skin on her cheek.
“I’ve always had my eyes on you.”
I clamp my lips over hers. Souji’s gone and why I find her so… I don’t know what it is… But I can’t let her go. A searing kiss that tugs at me for some reason but I keep my hand firmly against her so she can’t escape.
I’ve waited long enough.
Hidejiro! You will not…
Will not what? As he pulls me back and I find myself on the floor with him on top of me.
I’ve always had my eyes on you
His kiss is still his kiss and I can still get lost in it and by instinct I begin to respond. This has always been certain. Passion was never our problem.
NO!! My mind screams.
But it betrays everything we once were. He holds me to where I can’t get away but I pull my head back to break the kiss. I look into his eyes, looking for the man I love who doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
She squirms under me and as I look at her, she blurs. I blink at first… But I smirk as she pulls her head back. I bend down to demand some more of those lips.
“Ugh…” My throat suddenly starts contracting and I gag violently. Burying my head right above her shoulder, I remove my hand and cover my mouth as the sake and fish from earlier start to escape from my throat. My eyes tears as I roll over grabbing my stomach with one hand while clamping my mouth with my left.
The room seems to spin and a very foul odor overwhelms my senses. I close my eyes as I see the liquid and bits of lunch from earlier squirt from my hand to the floor, staining the tatami and part of her hair. I move away and gave up on securing the vomit, burying my face towards the floor. The world spins and I close my eyes trying to remember to breathe.
He becomes ill, right by my head, the smell of fish and sake and who knows what… Hajime moves away from me and I move back, some of it is in my hair I notice and drips down on my shoulder.
Even if he doesn’t remember me… I’m not going to abandon him.
The illnesses I’ve seen from my brothers and Makoto… I get up, looking around, looking for something… I rummage around through the cabinets on the wall and find a couple of towels. Using one I try to get what I can from my hair. Looking out the window I see attempts at a garden, but there are useful things there. I glance back over to make sure he’s still breathing. “I’ll be right back,” I say in a quiet voice.
I come back in a moment with a bucket that I fill with water from the small sink in the room and an empty planter. Avoiding the mess, I kneel next to him and try to roll him over on his side. Dipping the smallest towel in the water, I go to wipe off his face, around his brow and then his mouth.
It’s cold and yet it’s hot. I must be going insane. I spill a few more onto the floor and close my eyes again.
I’ll be right back,”
No… Go away. I say to myself. I pull myself towards the futon just enough to bury my face there. I can feel another bout forcing it’s way up, but I stay it by sheer will. Beads of sweat rolls down my face and I close my eyes and gag some more but nothing comes out now.
Kami-sama let me sleep…
Someone is trying to roll me over and I let them. I feel a damp towel on my face and I open my eyes slightly but I can’t see who it is. Exhausted I could not lie entirely on the futon. My head turns towards it once again and everything just turns to darkness.
(OOC: Saitou will be unconscious at this point, probably till morning)
He finally passes out and I do what I can to make him comfortable.
What a mess… After I clean him up some, I go to work on the room, putting the stained tatami mats outdoors and moving the others around as best I can. Unlike a child I cannot move Hajime around.
He’ll be fine now… I might as well leave.
Looking down at that pale face I know I should stay. Even though he doesn’t remember me I won’t leave without saying goodbye, even if he doesn’t know why. It’s a promise he made to me once… that when he left me he would tell me. He broke it… but because I won’t forget, I won’t be able to find any kind of peace unless I do it right this time.
Satisfied with the room, even if it does still smell, I sit down next to him. Again I wipe his face, trying to memorize it as I do, and brush his bangs back. How rare… I never did get to see him sleep much.
I settle down for a long night of watching.