May 7, 1885 – At the Machiya

16 thoughts on “May 7, 1885 – At the Machiya”

3. I get bits of sleep here and there as Hajime sleeps, and I find some rice to cook. He needs something after all of that… and I’m sure he’ll probably think he needs to go to work.
   And if I focus on this I don’t have to think about last night… maybe it was some madness from his illness?
   Or was it true?
   I hear him stirring behind me, and he leaves to the washroom.
   I’ll pay you tomorrow. I don’t have enough money on me today.
   I turn, my eyes wide.
   He did… no… no… Suddenly I can’t breathe and I turn to look at him.
   Why did you even think I’d do something like forget you? Even if I didn’t come here… What we had isn’t something that should be forgotten.. Just as if by some chance you would not accept me back, it still wouldn’t be right to forget.
   “You…” Liar “Even if you have no idea who the hell I am I am not some whore.” Anger courses through me, like I’ve never felt… rage… my hands clench and unclench by my side.
   What we had isn’t something that should be forgotten.
   I want to shout and scream… but I remember that there are others in this building. My eyes burning, I raise my hand and strike him across the face in a sudden move. In a low, tight voice, I speak, “fine. Forget everything. Maybe one day you’ll forget who you are, too. Keep yourself safe. But I need to get home.” I turn back to the fire and put it out. Is the rice finished? I don’t know.

4. The woman turns around and I’m struck, it is a good friend of mine Yagi Hide. How embarassing that I… But what the hell is she doing here and how did she find me?
   “You…” Liar “Even if you have no idea who the hell I am I am not some whore.”
   In an instant my head is jerked to the side as her hand landed on my cheek. I’m angry for a moment and I snap my head back… I have not let any woman raise their hands on me. So I grab her from behind, twisting her wrist. Who cares about whatever is boiling in the pot? If I made a mistake, then she should tell me. Even if I do respect Yagi Hide, it was an honest mistake on my part and old friendships warranted a bit more than that.
   “What is -your- problem?” I scowl at her, “Hide, did I do something to you last night?”
   And why are you here?

5. I wince as he grabs my wrist. It’s been a week and my wrists are better but it still hurts to be handled like that.
   What is -your- problem? Hide, did I do something to you last night?
   “My problem?” I answer. Then… he didn’t call me Yagi-san… my heart beats a little faster. Maybe this is all some strange mistake, some strange event that comes from all of the weirdness that has always surrounded us. “Hajime… do you… do you remember me?” I manage to say.

6. Hajime… do you… do you remember me?
   I look at her incredulously. Why am I wasting time here when I’m horridly late for work… I do not understand. I want to scream and tell her YES I REMEMBER YOU BAKA ONNA. YOU ARE THE DAUGHTER OF YAGI-SAN, WE STAYED IN KYOTO WITH YOU AND SOUJI WAS VERY FOND OF YOU…
   But I hesitate for some reason and I let her hand go.
   “If I did something to you that I should own up for…”
   I shake my head. Something… I did something, which is why I am living here alone now. I did something to Tokio, my wife… Or was… Still is? Is -this- it?
   Bah… Work has been stressful lately. I turn and lit a cigarette.
   Now that’s better.

7. If I did something to you that I should own up for…
   How that statement tears at me. Again, the statement that I couldn’t hurt more than I did before he came back… wrong.
   What he’s done to me… memories flood back. Good and bad, all the happiness and pain… everything we are… no.
   Everything we were.
   I turn. “Nothing. Nothing that I can’t take care of on my own. I’m sorry; I thought you were someone else.” Someone who I love… and someone who loved me.
   I wonder… does he think I am her? She who I said goodbye to yesterday? I could finally steal her place… he has interest in me, unless that was the sake talking last night. I could build something new. Without all of the baggage and damage from before…
   No. Brown eyes flash in my mind, and the thought of the small girl that smiles for me. No… I can’t chase that lie. The man I love… wouldn’t forget me. Wouldn’t forget her.
   I pick up my bag from the corner where I left it last night. “I have a train to catch. Take care of yourself, Hajime.”
   Suddenly I have a terrible need to get home and see if -that’s- real, too. If that house on the hill is still there. If she’s still there…
   Goodbye. I try to say it but the word sticks in my throat. I can’t tear my eyes from him as I stand in the room.

8. “Nothing. Nothing that I can’t take care of on my own. I’m sorry; I thought you were someone else.”
   Someone else? Ah! Yes I do remember that day we met again, she was looking for Souji… It always did puzzle me that she of all people wouldn’t have known what happened to him. Suddenly I’m struck with an old memory or is it a vision… Maa… What’s important is she visited him.
   “I’m sorry Hide, he’s gone you must accept that.” I turn slightly uncomfortable. Why is it that she’s never gotten over Souji? And why is it that saying these words bother me that I feel like I’m going to crack?
   “If you came here to visit him,” The foul odor of the room overwhelms my senses again, “I can accompany you. I’m a foul one when I drink so I probably was of no use to you when you came.”
   “I have a train to catch. Take care of yourself, Hajime.”
   She seems like she’s just about to lose her senses. Sometimes it’s too bad that I see through people well. Why can’t she just say she wants to visit his grave? I’ve gone there once with her and I did not think her the worst for doing it.
   I smile to be kind. “Well whenever you are ready. You are always welcome to come visit me here in Tokyo…”
   Staring at her, suddenly I felt something in my stomach turn. She’s leaving and why is that bothering me? It should not… I’ve gotten over her a long time ago. I found my peace elsewhere and yet I’m not content. Probably because I left my wife, to keep true to myself.
   What the hell am I thinking?
   “Nagakura is an ass…” I mutter. Aside from him and Nakajima and the Yagi household, I have not heard of any of my old friends still alive.
   “He’s never written me back once… Write me will you, when you get to Kyoto? I’d like to know what the Yagi’s have been up to.” I smirk. “I’ll walk you to the train.”

9. I’m sorry Hide, he’s gone you must accept that.
   He speaks of Souji? And of seeing him… this doesn’t make sense; he wasn’t dead in that other world. I feel myself cracking like the plate from Saturday, cracking, my memories and my life…
   Then he smiles and it’s not fair… not fair that he gave up and did this and left me truly alone… “Damn you….” I whisper when I want to scream it.
   Well whenever you are ready. You are always welcome to come visit me here in Tokyo…
   “I don’t think I will, Hajime.” I stare down at my hands, trying to keep my voice steady, my composure.
   He’s never written me back once… Write me will you, when you get to Kyoto? I’d like to know what the Yagi’s have been up to. I’ll walk you to the train.
   “No, I don’t live in Kyoto. I’ve not seen my family in six years.” So much lost… so much I’ve lost. “Ito… I need to go home. Makoto expects me tonight.” He speaks of writing and I think of the letter in my bag that I was going to give to him… his daughter, so proud of learning the English that he was helping her with.
   Hiroku-san was right how foolish I was… and I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain this to her. Or to my daughter.

10. Damn you….
    It is so surprising how angry she is at him. I frown?EUR?
    ?EURoeStop talking like that. That?EUR(TM)s unfair and highly unbecoming of you…?EUR? I tell her and open the door to leave. ?EURoeSouji?EUR(TM)s been faithful and I should know that most of all.?EUR?
    There I said what?EUR(TM)s needed to be said for an old friend. One that caused me so much pain while we stayed in Kyoto but also was the most kindred spirit I have ever seen.
    “No, I don’t live in Kyoto. I’ve not seen my family in six years.” “Ito… I need to go home. Makoto expects me tonight.”
    ?EURoeAlright, I?EUR(TM)ll get you an express once we get to the train station.?EUR? I walk ahead of her and hail a carriage, I?EUR(TM)ll pay it when I get to the police station later. I open the door and let her in and finally entered myself.
    ?EURoeIto?EUR??EUR? I grin, ?EURoeYes I?EUR(TM)ve heard of the place. I had a small case there a few months ago, how small the world is?EUR??EUR?
    I cup my chin amused. ?EURoeSo you?EUR(TM)ve finally moved out of Kyoto?EUR? Well I shouldn?EUR(TM)t be surprised ne? You did come trampling here to Tokyo alone. Did you meet someone here? And Makoto is she your daughter??EUR?
    I smile what a wonderful name Makoto. She?EUR(TM)s done quite well for herself, although it strikes me on why she?EUR(TM)d chose the name. She always were too fond of gardening and flowers while we were at the Yagi household, that I?EUR(TM)d most naturally expect her to name her child by a flower. At least she did remember what we meant while we stayed in their estate.
    Makoto?EUR?
    How deeply that word means to me. Just hearing it gives me back my reason for living. What I have always lived for and strived to be?EUR? Well at least in a way, certainly not all situations allowed it but the end is what is important?EUR? As long as I know. I jerk my head.
    ?EURoeSuma?EUR??EUR? I chuckle, ?EURoeOld times?EUR? are sometimes hard to forget. So tell me, who is it that you married and where are you in Ito now??EUR?
    Then it struck me, she?EUR(TM)s not seen her family in six years. I?EUR(TM)ve been so involved in my own problems that I never did keep up with the Yagi?EUR(TM)s and pretty much gave up on Hide.
    ?EURoeSuma?EUR??EUR? I furrow my brows, ?EURoeIf I?EUR(TM)ve dwelled upon a touchy subject.?EUR?
    My eyes glance towards the window, Tokyo is already teeming with foreigners. How different it is from Kyoto fifteen years ago.

11. Souji?EUR(TM)s been faithful and I should know that most of all.
    “I do not speak of Souji,” I tell him. He was faithful to me, -I- know that. The one I remember was.
    He guides me out and into a carriage. I follow along…
    Like a ghost…
    So you?EUR(TM)ve finally moved out of Kyoto?EUR? Well I shouldn?EUR(TM)t be surprised ne? You did come trampling here to Tokyo alone. Did you meet someone here? And Makoto is she your daughter?
    She’s your daughter too A grim smile crosses my face. “I came here to talk to my daughter’s father but when I got here I found that he was gone.”
    Old times?EUR? are sometimes hard to forget. So tell me, who is it that you married and where are you in Ito now?
    “I am not married. I live in a house on a hill that overlooks the sea.” A house where not that long ago we talked of a future together… I wish this carriage would hurry so that I can go face this future alone.
    Alone. Yes. That’s right. Tokyo moves past me in the windows of the carriage.

12. “I came here to talk to my daughter’s father but when I got here I found that he was gone.”
    I’m surprised at this. Six years is a long time if she’s been looking for him up to now. I feel a slight pity for her but I do not show it, that’s the worst one can do to someone, especially from someone who comes from a samurai background. Even I who’s not really samurai by birth, I would hate it if someone pitied me.
    “Well… It’s time to move on if it’s been that long.”
    “I am not married. I live in a house on a hill that overlooks the sea.”
    I nod my head. It must be a picture perfect scene, that house on the hill. But how could it be if she has a daughter and hasn’t seen her own relatives in six years? Suddenly I’m reminded of my own past, of my brother Hiroaki and my sister.
    The carriage stops at the train station and I alight from it, instructing the driver to wait for me so we can head straight for the Keishikan. Talking to her saddens me, but she’s a strong woman otherwise she would’ve succumbed years ago. Procuring an express ticket, I head back to where Hide is standing and hand it to her.
    “Take care of yourself Hide.” She always did look beautiful. Souji was both damned and blessed. If I didn’t have my own problems or rather if things were slightly better, I’d let her know what I truly thought. How she captured my eye while she went about as Hidejiro-kun in Kyoto.
    “Well, I should go.” Dropping the cigarette butt on the platform, I crush it with my boots.

13. Well… It’s time to move on if it’s been that long.
    Move on… move on… isn’t that what they all tell me?
    Well, I should go.
    I look at him, taking the ticket. I remember someone else from yesterday, turning away from me and fading into the crush of people. How ironic.
    Suddenly I move forward and embrace him. He’ll think me mad, out here in the middle of this train platform, but I don’t care… I’ll never come back here again, he doesn’t know who I am… and I want this. One last minute to know how the feels, the smell of him…
    “Six years… for six years I was so achingly lonely, so empty, so lost. Somehow I found him and told him how I needed him, how I loved him, how if he came to find me we could try to have a future together. But you gave up on me.” And I’ll never forget myself… for how I hurt him and how I hurt our daughter.

14. She moves forward and before I can step back to let her through, her arms are around me. An embrace that for a moment felt so right. Why? I?EUR(TM)ve never touched her, I have not because she was for someone else and now I am also for someone else. I want to slide out from this but something is stubbornly telling myself to just let it be for a moment and take it for what it is.
    “Six years… for six years I was so achingly lonely, so empty, so lost.
    I do not know if it is out of pity or kindness or both, I hold her closer to me. I can understand being lost, I was for a long time?EUR? And for so many years. After my family in Akashi, after my brothers, in the settlement up north and finally with the second life I found with my wife. I hold her for what it was worth, a friendship that we shared while she helped me in my darkest moments. A good friend, that was what she was for me and also an infatuation in old Kyoto. She has always been important and for a moment my head spins again and I bury my head on her shoulders, gripping her as if?EUR? And I ask myself, what is it that you can?EUR(TM)t let go?
    Somehow I found him and told him how I needed him, how I loved him, how if he came to find me we could try to have a future together.
    ?EURoeA future?EUR? There?EUR(TM)s always one as long as one is alive. Everytime I look at the river or the go to the hanami and see the sakura?EUR??EUR? I let go of her slowly. ?EURoeIt?EUR(TM)s not lying nor pretty words?EUR? Simply it is strength?EUR? And we are both here alive?EUR??EUR? I smile at her and brush the errant hair that the wind blew on her face.
    ?EURoeBut you gave up on me.”
    I inhale sharply and step back. What is she talking about? It?EUR(TM)s then that I understand?EUR? I did give up on her, six years ago I left who turned out to be my closest friend. Left her to be alone that time, but I wouldn?EUR(TM)t leave if I didn?EUR(TM)t believe she could take care of herself. I had to help myself first, if I was going to be of use to anyone. So I just bow my head.
    ?EURoeI?EUR(TM)m sorry.?EUR? I should at least do something. Family can be so stubborn at times, just like Hiroaki and myself?EUR? ?EURoeOne of these days, when I?EUR(TM)m in Ito I?EUR(TM)ll stop by. What does Makoto like??EUR? I smile and look past her, the train is coming so I take her bag. “Hurry or you won’t get a good seat.”

15. No… Every moment tears at me more. He says words to comfort me but I can’t hear them now. I lost him… I -really- lost him… To him now I am just Yagi-san, a girl he knew a long time ago. Nobody else.
    “Makoto… she likes… rocks… stories… running… turtles…” I just want to find her again, and if I have truly gone mad and there is no child waiting for me in Ito… then I must truly have stumbled into madness.
    “Go… I should go. Thank you.” I bow slightly, as I’ve always been trained to. I turn with a glance back and board the train.
    (OOC – gets on train, exits)

16. “Makoto… she likes… rocks… stories… running… turtles…”
    She sounds like a wonderful child… I grin, turtles… I love them as well but I do not tell her Hide this. She simply looks like she’s exhausted, it’s too bad I couldn’t quite reach her. But I think the only time anyone can truly reach us is when we want to. So I keep my silence and let her find her own peace.
    She bows and I wait for her to board the train. She throws me a glance and I narrow my eyes. I hate losing old friends, but I remind myself it’s not really lost. That is as long as I’m not dead yet… I smirk slightly and head back to where the carriage was waiting. I still have to get on Kawaji’s case… Damn… I forgot -again- that he won’t be back till next week. That ahou…
    Flicking the match I bring it up to the cigarette dangling from my lips.
    (OOC: Saitou exits and heads for the Keishikan)

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