?EURoeYou?EUR(TM)re up early Hajime-han!?EUR? I walk up behind him and threw my arms on his waist. Oh I know how he so much hated this before! I smile and settle my chin on his shoulder, waiting to be brushed off as ?EURusual-.
June 10, 1885 – Early Morning Conversation
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?EURoeAre you practicing for when we go out in public??EUR? I quirk my eyebrows and scowl. What a fine way to start a morning with the Octopus.
?EURoeNo?EUR? I?EUR(TM)m just being myself. No one can see us here ne??EUR? I wink and let go. I want to ask him so badly of the situation between him and Yagi-san. If I was holding out for nothing?EUR? But I know this man will not tell me if it is ?EURover- unlike when he told me when it first happened. I?EUR(TM)d venture to think the former is because he wants it known and established so there would be no misunderstanding?EUR? And the latter, I?EUR(TM)ll have to leave up to his enormous pride. I need a different way of approaching this and of course being in the Keishikan I have learned of ?EURways- to get information without going back to how I did it before.
Before?EUR?
I look down. My life in shimabara as a courtesan and ?EURmore- still plagues me and when I?EUR(TM)m dressed up in a kimono?EUR? I love kimonos but I do not dress in them for somehow I can feel hands roaming up my waist and that thought makes me shiver now. I frown and move away settling by the window and looking out the purple dawn sky. I did not give it a second thought, selling my body?EUR? It was the only thing I knew how to do?EUR? But out of ?EURthat- I did find something very important and I think of the man behind me sitting, smoking his cigarette.
?EURoeIt?EUR(TM)s still cold you should close that window.?EUR? I move beside Saya and closed it myself after flicking the rest of the cigarette away. ?EURoeLook at what you?EUR(TM)ve gotten me into. It?EUR(TM)s early in the morning and here I am in this remote area with ?EURnothing- to do.?EUR?
I tilt my head and watch Hajime go back to the low table. He settles his chin on his knuckles and stared at the wall. I almost feel sorry for the man?EUR? ?EURoeSo tell me how is your shoulder??EUR?
?EURoeIt doesn?EUR(TM)t hurt anymore?EUR? It stopped hurting a while ago.?EUR? Looking up to her I scowl once and flopped towards the tatami. Lying on it and now staring at the worthless ceiling. I am glad someone is asking about it. I can take care of myself but it?EUR(TM)s makes me feel appreciated that someone is concerned?EUR? Of course it?EUR(TM)s completely different when Kawaji inquires, he just wants me out of commission.. That?EUR(TM)s the gist to that bald man.
I?EUR(TM)d tell him to get up his behind and do something useful?EUR? But we both know that he and I view usefulness differently. And the best I can do for the man is?EUR? I settle beside him. ?EURoeYou know you?EUR(TM)re not getting any younger.?EUR? I laugh softly and tousle his hair, ?EURoewith the situation with your wife and at work. Maybe it?EUR(TM)s time you started something new??EUR?
?EURoeBe quiet Saya.?EUR? Here we go again. I?EUR(TM)m supposed to be the ward here. ?EURoeThere?EUR(TM)s not much of a choice. It?EUR(TM)s not like I can just pick up my bags and settle in elsewhere. And a new job is definitely out of the question, this is what ?EURI- do.?EUR?
I nod my head slowly. ?EURoeHai Hajime-han.?EUR? It would be at around this point that either he?EUR(TM)d hold me and rant some more or I?EUR(TM)ll do the same and just listen. That?EUR(TM)s long gone I think and yet he?EUR(TM)s not said one word to me about Yagi-san. I decide I?EUR(TM)ll just grab the bull by the horn this time. Get the answer that kept me awake last night.
?EURoeWhy don?EUR(TM)t you settle in with Yagi-san. You?EUR(TM)ve known each other for a long time ne??EUR? It?EUR(TM)s been six years I would imagine. How things changed quickly that night he was so angry at me for making that woman jealous. A scene at a back alley where he almost raised his hand at me?EUR? And once again my thoughts drift to Tokio. They say that love and hate are very similar things?EUR? I wonder if a part of him still wants to go back to his wife but with what I?EUR(TM)ve seen and what he?EUR(TM)s done the short time in Kyoto, it simply would not make sense. He found that honor again and would not bed me after ?EURher-?EUR? And he admitted it that time, that she was someone he had ?EURloved-. In the long months that I?EUR(TM)ve known him, that word is something he would say even if his stomach was to be gutted. I should know?EUR? I tried my hardest back then, but the man was so stubborn.
Finally I realized my thoughts had drifted and a pair of amber eyes were staring at me. I smile. ?EURoeSorry?EUR? So tell me again about Yagi-san??EUR?
I refuse to think that she is still caught up in our past but I can?EUR(TM)t help it as her face showed gradients of different expressions all in the span of a few minutes. If she and I do not talk about it, it will be better for us. Definitely I cannot mislead her again. ?EURoeA girl whom I knew back in Kyoto. A good friend of mine was quite smitten with her so by association we became polite as well.?EUR?
I turn my head to the side and watch the opposite wall. Last night, I?EUR(TM)m not sure why I was open with Hide. I know what I told her while she visited Tokyo and the Precinct. We were friends yes, but I know I?EUR(TM)d never tell her anything too personal. Our conversation was always focused on Souji for some reason, even if he was long dead. It bothered me of course, the state of her mental health and the mere fact that how can a woman love a man whom she hasn?EUR(TM)t seen in more than ten years?EUR? And yet here I was with Tokio, we see each other as much as possible, we have children and some sort of ?EURlife- and yet it wasn?EUR(TM)t enough. I knew where it was going and no matter what I did?EUR? It just wasn?EUR(TM)t enough to keep us together but I could also blame her because she shut me out.
Suddenly I can?EUR(TM)t breathe. I?EUR(TM)m glad he turns away as my eyes go wide. Polite? By association? He speaks as if they have never been more than friends?EUR? Slowly I move towards the wall to lean on it. ?EURoeHajime-han?EUR? Do you remember that note I gave you in Kyoto? Did you ever read it??EUR?
?EURoeOf course I did?EUR??EUR? Why is she bringing up things that are dead and gone? The past is just that, -the- past at least between her and I. Didn?EUR(TM)t I already apologize to her about using her services? That I did not think of her as a vile woman who itched to have a man by her side at night? That it was me who was weak and needed her both as a friend and a lover? I close my eyes?EUR? I do not want to repeat this conversation again?EUR?
I fold my hands over and fidget, ?EURoeSo why did you not answer me back??EUR?
?EURoeAs I?EUR(TM)ve said?EUR? I cannot be that person for you. I have to be honest Saya, I can never take our relationship beyond physicalities?EUR??EUR? As to why not?EUR? She was my bestfriend in those dark days?EUR? ?EURoeBut a friend, that?EUR(TM)s better for you and I.?EUR? I turn to grin at her. This is something she must understand. That there is nothing beyond that and yet that friendship is something very important to me. ?EURoeAnyway, back then I was still obsessing of how my marriage was failing?EUR? I still loved Tokio perhaps?EUR??EUR?
This does not make sense?EUR? -You- told me you were serious about someone else?EUR? That you have your eye on someone else?EUR? That stupid woman who couldn?EUR(TM)t keep herself together just because I draped myself all over you at dinner. That stupid woman whom I had to step back for and leave you in her care?EUR? I shake slightly?EUR? Shivering at what seems to be?EUR? I never noticed it before we had not seen each other for many years and he did ?EURlike- to grin and smile?EUR? But now I realize he is cold?EUR? Not the same one before where it was like an ice that burns the skin?EUR? But he was just cold and empty.
My hand reached once again for his hair. ?EURoeHajime-han?EUR? We should get ready and go to the Yagi?EUR(TM)s for breakfast.?EUR?
(OOC: End thread)