It’s way past evening by the time we got back. I close the door behind us heading over to the bedroom immediately. Removing my jacket I throw it on the floor…
“Mind opening that door to let the air in?” I watch the woman in front of me, how she moves…
“I hope you got a step further.”, I mutter and slowly closed my eyes.
June 17, 1885
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I slide open the door, letting in the cool evening air, and light a lamp, casting the room in a soft glow.
Going back to Hajime I wrap an arm around his waist and my other hand goes to rest on his shoulder. “Tired? You didn’t get any sleep at all last night, did you?” I smile up at him.
“Tired? You didn’t get any sleep at all last night, did you?
“Ah… Just a little.” I move away slightly and flopped down on the tatami. I can’t seem to keep my eyes open, although I’m not really -that- tired.
“Aren’t you? You told me you did not sleep well last night.”
I sit down on the floor next to him, taking out the pins from my hair and shaking it free.
“I did get some sleep… and yes, I didn’t sleep that well… I missed you, and… this was a different place. I’m used to hearing the sea at night.” I reach over to take his hand. Picking it up I press my lips against the back.
She kisses my hand and I pull her down, embracing her.
“A different place? You need to get used to being around Hide.” My arms go around her tighter, cuddling her close to me. I could get the futon out of course but I want to hold this woman for dear life.
I put my arms around him, holding him close. “I should get out more,” I say. “I don’t get much of a chance to travel… I never went far beyond Kyoto until I came to Tokyo a few years ago, and now Ito… but there’s so much more I’d like to see. And not everywhere will have an ocean to lull me to sleep.”
I bring my lips to the underside of his jaw, kissing him there briefly before settling my head against his chest.
I listen but do not answer and my mind drifts off again to a place very far from here. After a long moment I decide it’s probably best to sleep tonight.
“Sumanai. I should’ve gotten the futon ready.” Standing up I pull out two futons and setup one for myself and her. “There just get your pillow.”
I point to a corner and laid myself down on my futon, looking up the ceiling. “I’ll drop you off at Tamesaburou so I know where to get you. We’ll be heading to the train as soon as you finish.”
For all of the teasing earlier… I go for my pillow. He does seem tired…
“Let me sleep by you tonight. I may be in a different place… but in these arms I sleep well. And back in Ito… this isn’t something we’ll get a chance at,” I say, quietly. “I promise just this once to -behave-.” I laugh softly.
Sleep by me? I stifle a sigh and get up.
“I suppose I should change… but go ahead.”
Leaving her, I head to the washroom with a fresh yukata. After washing my face and folding the soiled clothing, I dress once again but stay in the washroom sitting on the wooden stool.
I’m here with a woman whom, I don’t really know. That talk from earlier makes me uncomfortable to even be with her. My wife and sons and her own life, tells me I’m doing something wrong. Maybe that’s why the dead won’t leave me alone. I stand up and remove the yukata -again- to take a shower. Maybe that will clear my head.
He leaves… I sigh slightly.
I take my yukata from my luggage, I need to change too. Quickly I free myself from my kimono, a more heavy and serious one than my normal wear but today demanded a bit more formality. But ah… I want to clean up as well.
I go into the washroom and find Hajime in the shower… hesitating only a second I remove the yukata and step in to join him… for a moment struck by the sight of him, how looking at him can still leave me breathless.
“I missed out on your bath this morning…” I say. “I didn’t want to miss out -again-.”
I’m startled she’s in here. Certainly, had she walked in another time I might’ve been glad. Of course my eyes take in her naked beauty and I’m torn at the thoughts in my head before realizing I’m standing here just as naked as she is… I show her my back in an instant realizing that she’s seeing me.
I should’ve locked that damn door…
“I’ll be done soon.” I say rather flatly and take the whole bucket of water to drench, rather rinse myself.
He turns but not before I see… what he’s only let me see that once, and has hidden from me since.
I’ll be done soon
I wrap my arms around him from behind, my hands moving up his chest. “You’re rather stunning to look at you know…” One hand rests on the scars and stitches, the other caresses his collarbone. “Don’t turn from me…” I ask, lightly kissing his back, slick with water. “Please…. I want to see you.”
Go away…
I catch her hand that is on my scars and I’m reminded of what kind of failure I am. These will always be with me of course, like a curse that I’ve learned to live with. But my head is reeling, I do not want to ruin her day that has otherwise gone quite well…
I turn to her and hug her tightly, feeling her skin against mine. Needing human contact, not out of lust, but more out of a desperate need to find something solidifying and sane. Of course with the way the day has gone between us, she’ll misunderstand.
He turns me to face me and holds on… my arms around him, I look up, trying to meet his eyes. “I love you… all of you. Completely.” I kiss the scars, gently, “I wish… I wish this was all it took to heal the scars you carry here… and elsewhere,” I say softly. My fingers lingering on a place where I once left my mark on him, that afternoon in the garden long ago.
I just hold onto him tightly. It’s just us… here… for this moment. -Nothing- between us… no barriers. Only the ones in our minds. Believe in me as I believe in you I want to ask.
Why are you doing this?
I want to shout at her for touching me there but I can’t.
“Sumanai. I must really be tired.” I mock a grin and let her go. “It will be fine.” Muttering it more to myself than her. Dressing in my yukata I head back to the room.
(OOC: Saitou heads back to the room. Lays on the futon, half awake. Hide can come sleep beside him if she wants.)
I did something wrong…
I finish cleaning myself. Trying to calm down, shaking slightly.
No. I can’t do this… I can’t do this to -myself-. If I think I’ve failed… the things that can truly defeat me are all in my mind… that darkness that I no longer give into, because I believe in something greater. There are still stars to guide me, there always will be.
Dressing, I go back to the bedroom, turning off the lamp. I pull the other futon over next to his and lay down next to him.
Snuggling inbetween his arm and his chest, I drape and arm over him and rest my head on his shoulder. “Mmmm… and I have such -plans- for you tonight.” I lean up to kiss his lips softly.
Plans…
I lightly kiss her back. “Yes I know. I’m sorry but I’m not up to it, I have things on my mind.”
There I’ve said it. She can think whatever she wants. She can even hate me if she wanted to. I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. At least she and I finished what we came for.
Yes I know. I’m sorry but I’m not up to it, I have things on my mind.
“Tell me… tell me what’s on your mind…” I ask. “You were there for me today, and through you I’ve done something that I was terrified of facing. -Please- talk to me now, like you did earlier. Is it being in Kyoto? Is it the past? Please…” Or is it something you can’t quite understand?
I watch his face in the darkness of the room. We share so much… even what he doesn’t know we share… even our time outside of this place… he’s always drawn me out.
“Tell me… tell me what’s on your mind…”
Breathing slowly I listen to her talk. How easy it is to ask of course, if only she knew how hard it was to answer. I slide my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me.
-Please- talk to me now, like you did earlier.
She must think I?EUR(TM)m an absolute wreck?EUR? Which isn?EUR(TM)t too far from the truth.
Is it being in Kyoto? Is it the past? Please…”
Slowly I open my eyes and I look at her. Our faces are only inches a part and yet my thoughts are everywhere else except for here.
?EURoeIt is everything?EUR? But it doesn?EUR(TM)t concern you.?EUR? I say it as gently as I could but it still comes out of course with the same meaning. A perfect night that I want for us away from the others, that’s just impossible when I start thinking.
He doesn’t just go to sleep and I’m relieved. Even though he’s mostly quiet as I speak.
It is everything… But it doesn’t concern you.
“Ah…” I look over at him. “I still would want to hear it… if it’s something important to you… or even if you don’t think it is.” I hold onto him a little tighter. “It’s hard to express, sometimes, isn’t it? But sometimes these things that live in our minds… should get out. Maybe I can’t offer you an answer… but I’m -here-.” I’ve had problems speaking out the things that troubled me… it’s still a struggle sometimes. But it’s in these arms that I felt like I had a stable place to face these things…
“Earlier…” I begin, “you told me you feel lost…”
I frown. I didn’t mean to say that… I must sound like a weakling. I’ve never been like this except for… With a sigh I remove myself from her and draped an arm across my face.
“I found it once…” I tell her, “a long time ago I realized what it was that made things worth fighting for. And it wasn’t some form of dramatic revelation… It was a simple life in Aomori that I wanted to have and protect.”
Oh kami… I’m sounding like an idiot…
“But I can’t stop fighting… My wife… My children… My work… and now it seems I’ve started fighting myself. It used to be so -clear-…”
Shaking my head I continue, “When I was in England… The only thing on my mind was to get back here. Start over again with my wife and be more diligent in the Keishikan… It didn’t happen, no matter how hard I tried. It must be retribution for all the people I’ve killed.”
And now I’m losing my mind thinking… That things aren’t what they really are…
I found it once… a long time ago I realized what it was that made things worth fighting for. And it wasn’t some form of dramatic revelation… It was a simple life in Aomori that I wanted to have and protect.
He pulls away but I keep my hold onto him. “And you want a life like that again? It was something you wanted to find with you wife?”
But I can’t stop fighting… My wife… My children… My work… and now it seems I’ve started fighting myself. It used to be so -clear-…
I listen, watching his face in the darkness of this room. “It’s still in there, within you, somewhere. That clarity of purpose… to not have these constant doubts about your life and the choices you make. Someone else can believe in you, as I do in you… but it needs to be within yourself, as well.” I tell him.
When I was in England… The only thing on my mind was to get back here. Start over again with my wife and be more diligent in the Keishikan… It didn’t happen, no matter how hard I tried.
“It’s frustrating to try… and feel like no progress is being made, after a while… you spend so much in trying you’re left feeling a little empty. I know work and what it means to you is so important to you. Your devotion to that… it’s a very core part of you, isn’t it? Ever since I knew you in another blue uniform… but you’re more than that as well. You protect Japan from the shadows… but at the end of the day, you need more than that. Something that reminds you, that beyond your uniform and your sword that you’re still a man.”
It must be retribution for all the people I’ve killed.
I shake my head slightly against his chest, and reach for the hand by his side. “No, Hajime…” I know he does things that others might not agree and I know at times he must have doubts. “Being lost… being empty… it’s so hard to see out of that. What do you need… that simple life again to want and protect?”
“And you want a life like that again? It was something you wanted to find with you wife?”
It was something we found… Tokio and I shared that in the early part of our marriage.
“Just because I want it, doesn’t mean I’ll… Change the way I live.”
That was the kind of man I was. To know that it was there, that it always will be… “Because if it was something like that… Then I’ll give it up, just like I gave her up.”
I scoff slightly.
“It’s still in there, within you, somewhere. That clarity of purpose… to not have these constant doubts about your life and the choices you make. Someone else can believe in you, as I do in you… but it needs to be within yourself, as well.”
“I do not have doubts in that respect.” My head snaps towards her, “My purpose is clear as day. I’m just tired of fighting, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop.”
Slowly I turn back to stare at the shadows on the ceiling. How can Hide misunderstand something like that… Just because I want something for myself doesn’t mean I should put that first. I just want peace somewhere, not in great quantities but just enough to keep on.
“My wife and children hates me for that. It is something selfish of course, especially since I dared have a family with Tokio… Now that I am out of her life, do I still have a say? To defend myself? To teach my boys that there is more than just domestic tranquility and western advancement?”
Bah.. I’m rambling…
“Too many people think that it’s enough to live by themselves, the simple dream. Hell I told you I wanted it, but it is a privilege -not- a right.”
I do not have doubts in that respect. My purpose is clear as day. I’m just tired of fighting, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop.
The look in his eyes… I say quietly, “I wouldn’t ever think you would. You don’t give up.” My eyes go to seek out his. “Japan will always come first,” I repeat those words I heard from him a long time ago, at a very precious time. And love comes second. “Yet there can be more for you beyond that. At the end of the day have to a home… someone who smiles a smile just for you, because you give her so much in her life as well. A place to rest when you’re tired so that you can go out the next day and continue on.”
My wife and children hates me for that. It is something selfish of course, especially since I dared have a family with Tokio… Now that I am out of her life, do I still have a say? To defend myself? To teach my boys that there is more than just domestic tranquility and western advancement?
“Yes, you do. They’re still your sons. You’re still their father and they’re a part of you.” Just as our daughter will always be a part of him, and how I want her to learn from him as well… “And hate… that’s a strong word. Children have such capacity, in their innocence, to accept and forgive even when we don’t ask it. It’s never all lost with them.”
Too many people think that it’s enough to live by themselves, the simple dream. Hell I told you I wanted it, but it is a privilege -not- a right.
“That dream isn’t a right. It takes work… it’s a balance, and it’s not easy. It’s easier to live alone and close yourself off… it takes something to take the chance to want more, and to chase that dream. To truly feel alive… to thrive.”
“Japan will always come first,” “Yet there can be more for you beyond that. At the end of the day have to a home…
It will… Tokio was right. I was married to this country and she was the mistress. But it wasn’t something anyone can compare. My feelings for my home and -her- were separate.
“Tokio… At one point meant everything to me.” I close my eyes. How it pains me to say those words and yet how angry I become at the thought of her. “She was a dream that I lost… Her and Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi.”
It’s then that I felt something sting from behind my arm. At what a failure things turned out to be… And what’s worse is I’m with a woman who shouldn’t be hearing these things.
“Yes, you do. They’re still your sons. You’re still their father and they’re a part of you.”
I’m quiet for a moment, making sure my voice is even I reply, “Not if I’m losing one of them to strangers.”
Grabbing the pillow I turn rather violently away from her. I need to go to sleep. I NEED TO…
Damn it… And I can’t even go to Tokyo without Saya in tow…
Tokio… At one point meant everything to me. She was a dream that I lost… Her and Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi.
It’s strange to speak of her… but I can’t, as I once did, and ignore that this woman was once someone he cared for deeply… and someone who still hurts him so much. “I know how much you cared for her, when you spoke of her back then, how you wanted things to work, how you tried… It’s hard to see a dream fail…” my voice falters, “but the dream can still be there… the reason to want that dream. It’s still something to hold onto.”
Not if I’m losing one of them to strangers
My heart stops for a moment, the way he says that makes me think of… “What… what do you mean by that?” He turns from me, suddenly. “Why would you lose one of your sons to strangers? You’re not in the situation I was…”
“but the dream can still be there… the reason to want that dream. It’s still something to hold onto.”
What the hell is she saying? That I should go back to my wife? Wasn’t I clear? I feel like someone is gutting my stomach for me… But if all my instincts for my private life have been wrong all these years… Maybe I should try listening to someone else.
No…
I thought Hide and I… I thought we were… “If you say that… Then you should go back to that man.” I say for spite, “And I’ll go back to that woman.”
Standing up, I let the covers fall to the floor and grab at my cigarettes. I fling the window wide open and it hit the wooden board with a harsh clout.
Good thing it’s not made of glass… I muse and light up.
If you say that… Then you should go back to that man. And I’ll go back to that woman.
His words sting… but there’s so much anger and frustration beyond them. I let him throw the window open and light his cigarette. “I didn’t mean the dream with her. I meant… if any part of you still believes in it… I want that dream with you.” I tell him, my eyes on his back.
I stand up. “I told you I love you and that’s the truth. You give me so much…” I put my hand on his arm and say quietly. “I only love one man and he stands before me now. Your light leads me from the shadows when I couldn’t see anything else, you granted me hope. And I want to give you that life… to support one another, a life shared together.” My hand slides down his arm to find his hand.
“I didn’t mean the dream with her. I meant… if any part of you still believes in it… I want that dream with you.”
I try not to scoff and instead blow a smoke at the corner of my mouth. What a great way to save the moment…
“I told you I love you and that’s the truth. You give me so much…”
Suddenly I’m balking at what she said. Barely over a week in Ito and a day here in Kyoto. I know what I heard earlier. Whoever he is that she protects so much…
“Don’t lie. I’m here because I want to be and you let me. You don’t have to convince me by saying things I want to hear.”
How I wish she’d tell me about him, the one who made her smile. If it wasn’t Souji, it was someone else. Fate I suppose is funny that way. She doesn’t trust me I suppose to keep my calm… Of course she doesn’t. I’m blowing my top right now just by talking about my wife. I wish the octopus was here, maybe she’ll tell me what to do.
“Aren’t you tired? You should go back to sleep and be ready for Tamesaburou tomorrow.”
He doesn’t believe me…
I step back. Suddenly the room spins around me and I have to catch my breath, as if all of the air was forced from me.
Don’t lie.
He goes on to say something about sleeping but how could I? “I -don’t- lie when I say this. If you don’t believe me now…” I bow my head, “I’m going to wait until you do and accept me. I’ll keep searching and calling out… even in those places beyond this one. I’m not giving up on you, and what we can have together.”
“When I was left at time… when I thought I could never have anything again, you were there. When nobody else saw me you were there. When I needed you… ” I pause, thinking of all of the times, “you were there. And now I want a future with you… we’ve shared a past, and we find ourselves in this place now… and so drawn to one another. I think we can give each other something…”
“And now I need you to listen to me and believe me. Even if you reject me now a part of myself will always be bound to you. I have no regrets for loving you. Even when it hurts… it’s worth it.” I move forward to embrace him from behind. “-You- are worth it.” I whisper.
“I’m going to wait until you do and accept me. I’ll keep searching and calling out… even in those places beyond this one. I’m not giving up on you, and what we can have together.”
“I -have- accepted you, or I wouldn’t talk to you outside nor would I…” My voice trails off, tonight was supposed to be that night when I make her mine but… Accepting is different from believing someone. “I accept you for who you are, I always have even though you’ve changed. It doesn’t even matter that you had someone elses child because that was you past.”
I chuckle suddenly, just a tad bitter, “You Hide got the shorter end of the bargain.”
When I was left at time… when I thought I could never have anything again, you were there
Shaking my head I put the cigarette back on my lips.
Even when it hurts… it’s worth it.
She embraces and something in what she said… I grab her wrist and pull her to the front. “Don’t say that! Don’t be a martyr!”
Why I say these things… My breathing suddenly became erratic. Why is she saying the exact same words my ghosts keeps telling me in those apparitions? No… It must be coincidence. I don’t want her going through the same things I did…
It’s then that I catch myself… -I- did? Here in Kyoto at a Ryokan a ride away from here… I fling her arm away from me. “That’s what got you in trouble in the first place…”
I accept you for who you are, I always have even though you’ve changed. It doesn’t even matter that you had someone elses child because that was you past.
“My past…” and yours. “But I didn’t get the short end; I have the child that came out of that relationship.” In a quieter voice, “I’m glad you do accept me.” And one day see me again…
Don’t say that! Don’t be a martyr!
As he pulls me in front of him, I reply, “it’s not being a martyr… ” He suddenly seems… his breathing. Before I can go to hold, to maybe make him see, or to help ease the confusion… he pushes me away.
That’s what got you in trouble in the first place…
I go back and wrap my arms around his waist. “Push me away and I’ll only hold on tighter.” I hold onto the back of his yukata, my face buried in his chest, “but don’t keep pushing me away. Use these arms to hold me back instead.” I take a shaky breath. “Hold me back… hold onto me and let’s face this world together. Be my friend, my lover, and my beloved.” I ask, turning my face to look up at him, trying to meet his eyes.
“My past…” and yours. “But I didn’t get the short end; I have the child that came out of that relationship.”
My eyes they narrow into slits. She phrased that sentence incorrectly. The short end was in reference to her and I… Not -them-.
I just want to give up… I’m being a complete moron and I don’t even know why she embraces me like this.
Use these arms to hold me back instead.” Be my friend, my lover, and my beloved.
It’s late I tell myself as I get back my compusure. She still has things to do tomorrow…
But I should answer her first.
“I am all that… or at least I try to be Hide.” I stroke her hair and plant a kiss on her temple. “Just because I say things… Doesn’t change the fact that I’m here now.”
Letting her go and disposing of the cigarette, I lead her back to the futon. Looking her over, I admire her tenacity and how patient she was with me tonight and I’m suddenly afraid that perhaps when she finds that dream I can’t give her… A sad smile escaped my lips.
“But Neko-chan, when you do find what you’re looking for… I hope you remember that once you belonged to me.”
I am all that… or at least I try to be Hide. Just because I say things… Doesn’t change the fact that I’m here now.
He goes from looking at me with narrowed eyes to this where he touches my hair and kisses me softly, and I’m simply stunned, and feel some of the tension slip out of my body.
But Neko-chan, when you do find what you’re looking for… I hope you remember that once you belonged to me.
His smile breaks my heart, it’s so sad… “I will always belong to my Hajime…” I pull down on his arm as I sit on the futon. I grin softly, “even if he is taking his time about making me his…” my eyes show too much at times like this and he probably needs to sleep after what we’ve gone through this night…
“even if he is taking his time about making me his…”
She pulls me down and with that remark… I know where it could lead to.
“If I didn’t know any better…” I kiss her cheek and laid down. “At least now you know I don’t just lust after you. Although I do…”
I grin and pull on her arm, so that she’d lie down beside me.
If I didn’t know any better… At least now you know I don’t just lust after you. Although I do..
I raise my eyebrows. “I’ve noticed… ” I grin back at him. “And have you noticed that while I don’t just lust after you… how much I do?”
He pulls at me and I reach back, pulling the ribbon that holds my hair back out, letting my hair fall down unbound. As I lay beside him, I run my hands down his chest, feeling his warmth through the thin cloth of the yukata.
Her hands are on me and I can feel my eyes closing in on themselves…
How wonderful… I shouldn’t have stayed awake on my sake vigil till morning…
I close in on her whole body, pressing myself against her and closed my eyes to drift off to sleep.
She’s warm…
How many years has it been since I slept with someone like this? The answer flies away taking my consciousness with it.
He falls asleep on me… but not before taking me to hold me against him. I close my eyes, settling my face in his neck, breathing in his smell…
Suddenly tired, I let myself drift away into sleep, cherishing this man who I love so much.
(OOC: End thread)