No Excuses and Letting Go

Tsuyoshi and I leave and I smoke my cigarette furiously. He?EUR(TM)s quiet so unlike earlier but I suppose my disposition has affected him somewhat. I wish there was something I could say. Just like earlier I am at a loss for words. I am ashamed at how I wasn?EUR(TM)t able to defend Yaso nor even Hide. It?EUR(TM)s been so long and yet no one knows the truth except the old man, even Akane knows so little after I left Gonohe.
?EURoeChichi-ue.?EUR? I look down at my son who is tugging at my shirt.
?EURoeWhat is it Tsuyoshi??EUR? I ask and bring my eyes back at the road though I am hardly seeing anything.
?EURoeIs it really true. You and Haha-ue are back?EUR? I would like that.?EUR? He tells me quietly, I know it is hard for him. ?EURoeThen what about that lady, Yagi-san. How about your other family??EUR?
I pull the horse to the side. I can?EUR(TM)t seem to do three things at the same time, smoke, talk and drive. We stop by the shade of a tree and I take a long drag on my cigarette. It is hard to tell him this but I must be clear to him. If I hurt him now, he will hurt less later.
?EURoeTsuyoshi, your mother and I are not back together.?EUR? I look at him seriously, ?EURoeWe are trying to work out our differences.?EUR? I?EUR(TM)m tempted to add, it?EUR(TM)s not going very well but I don?EUR(TM)t. ?EURoeSometimes there is no going back Yoshi.?EUR?
He blinks and looks down first at the horses, then slightly away. I?EUR(TM)m tempted to take back what I said and just ruffle his hair but I don?EUR(TM)t and instead flick away my cigarette and light another. There?EUR(TM)s no going back, just like that time when I left Gonohe and married Tokio, I chose never to look back. After I told her goodbye I never once visited them nor made my amends. For what can a hypocrite amend for? No one would ever believe a hypocrite and rightly so. Funny ever since I decided to leave Tokio, I?EUR(TM)ve never looked back either but the living is very different from the dead.
?EURoeDo you hate me??EUR? I ask him simply.
For a moment, I thought he wasn?EUR(TM)t going to answer. ?EURoeI kind of knew your answer already Chichi-ue.?EUR?
He didn?EUR(TM)t really answer my question so I wait. I wish there was something I could do for him maybe hold him but I do not. Not until I know his answer because then I know if I?EUR(TM)ll be able to comfort him or if I?EUR(TM)ll just hurt him more.
He takes a deep breath and then finally looks up to me. I can see he tried very hard not to wail in front of me, his eyes were red. ?EURoeI don?EUR(TM)t hate you. I don?EUR(TM)t hate your other family either.?EUR?
I told him already I was proud of him. I don?EUR(TM)t think it is his maturity that is allowing him to accept this situation. In fact I doubt he completely comprehends everything that has happened. I can see in his eyes that just like any child, he wanted his family complete. But he is a sincere and loving child, perhaps that is what?EUR(TM)s letting him accept a situation he doesn?EUR(TM)t necessarily understand. I place an arm around his shoulder and with one hand start to guide the horse again. Perhaps the best thing for him right now is to be with Namuzawa, away from all the hurt, at least for now. In fact for the first time, I think I?EUR(TM)ve found a good enough reason why I should let him go. He deserves to be happy and though I hate to admit it, Namuzawa has always been a good man and will be a good guardian for him.