Tokio:
I lie awake unable to sleep. He’s come for our oldest and knowing him he’ll stop at nothing to take Tsutomu away from me. Typical of him, always just doing what he wants… How many times did I stay up like this worrying for that man who never came home? But it’s not him that’s important, it is my sons. I breathe deeply and close my eyes remembering our last meeting where he hit me in front of everyone in the schoolyard. Ever since then, people have not stopped talking about “Mrs. Fujita”. He ruined my reputation in that school. Had we have been more secure in our finances, I would’ve immediately left for Aizu and not suffered humiliation in that school. At the very least, when I took my sons back to Aizu to escape the danger he brought to us, at the very least I had saved enough money so we can live simply. Of course I could’ve left much earlier had I chose to take out money from our shared account but that, I want to keep intact for my children. If we have no legacy to leave them, no property, no lineage, no reputation then at least they can have security.
Opening my eyes I stare at the wooden ceiling. Tsuyoshi, he’ll be safe with my uncle. He will not be in need of anything again… However Tsutomu is still suffering from the messes he’s made for us. He should at least get more than what he gets now from his father… If what Eiji says is true, that Goro has finally become a more “respectable” man then I cannot let him just do as he wishes. I didn’t believe it before when Uncle told me that he had offered so much money to pay for our debts and more to get Tsuyoshi back… I didn’t believe it until today, until Eiji told me. He must be doing fairly well in the Keishikan… Why he couldn’t have just become a better man in the first place, like I had asked him to, none of this would have happened. Ah… Of course, he was busy bedding some woman. Who was she again? An “old friend” he said, once I found that picture in his wallet. An old friend and his whore at the same time, I told him as he stormed out of the house. For a moment I feel a headache coming on and see images… He was always like that, even in Gonohe. But I suppose it was also my fault as I was so taken by him, that when he came running straight to me in Tokyo as soon as he was free of Yaso I welcomed him into my home. I should not have been surprised…
I must get some sleep. Tomorrow I must figure out a way to ensure my sons get their fair due… I don’t care anymore about myself. The throbbing in my temple is getting stronger and for a moment I thought I smelled cigarettes. I never did tell him I hated the smell of cigarette smoke. He never even tried back then, never asked me why I felt so lost and sympathetic to Himura-san. He never even asked after he found out about Michio-san who he truly was to me. Why being with Michio-san made me feel much stronger than I ever did with him. But why would he care by then, I had heard rumors that he was already shamelessly meeting some woman which is why he came home late at night. Had it not been for Michio-san I would’ve never found myself again. I admit during those lonely times after Michio-san and I parted, I have been tempted to contact Himura-san to ask where he is now but I did not since I knew our meeting was only meant for one purpose that is to help me become myself again.