aeoeEURaeoe?
I seduced you
With beautiful hope
I seduced myself
With beautiful hope
IC Hide
14 thoughts on “IC Hide”
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aeoeEURaeoe?
I seduced you
With beautiful hope
I seduced myself
With beautiful hope
Comments are closed.
I’m too late. I could hear… we’re connected in a way, I felt her pain, and her struggle. Her struggle to offer something… to try to remain hopeful until the end… and then the despair, I could hear… her screaming. And finally… silence. She kept me out, kept her door closed until it was too late. Her first tanto, the one she had before any gifts, the one she used to make herself heard… lay in her hand.
By her is a note…
—
In the end I could only destroy.
He was a dream I could never deserve… I saw in the end how I destroyed the man who I loved. How -my- failings and shortcomings… made him doubt himself. In how I held back… the things I denied him, the things he most craved.
Even as I drove him to this… he wrote me. Tried to take care of -me-, offer me peace and hope. It only reminds me… of how unworthy I am. How I failed to take care of him, from those who trusted me to.
The dream of our child… she will return to dreams. I do not deserve her pure love, after I stole her from her father. Her father who needed her love so badly as well… So she will remain a child of dreams, a dream of a time when what we felt was more pure and clear… when love healed us, before I tried to shove a reality on us. I tried to trap a wolf into a fence… because I was denied a world, I tried to make one for us. But wolves do not want boundaries… they will return to their pack, there is no need to capture such a loyal creature.
I did what even -that- woman and -that- place couldn’t do… he came out of there injured but alive… and I couldn’t heal those injuries… my touch only infected him. The poison that changed him came from me. It may have been by his hand that he ended it… but if not for me he never would have been driven there.
To my sister… thank you, for all you gave me, what you tried to give me. But even now I wonder… if it had been me instead of you in that place… would this dream have ended like this? I ask you… keep our name. Tell the stories…
This is not me tying my existence to his. It’s simply… to finally leave this time and space… time for me to let go as well.
-Yagi Hide
—
I sit by her for a moment… push a stray strand of her hair back, arrange her kimono just so, as she liked it, take her tanto and set it aside, folding her hands gently on her obi. I say, quietly, “Goodbye, dear sister.” She and her world fades as I walk away, to tell the writer that it’s time to end this chapter.
You forget?EUR?
I am an immortal wolf?EUR?
This is not what I want for you.
This is not what you want for yourself.
I let go of you to free you from my demands, whims and perhaps to free myself of guilt.
Wake up. -Now-. Our daughter do not belong to dreams?EUR?
You do not belong in darkness.
How can I leave peacefully if you give up ?EUR“this- way?
*grabs IC Hide and pins her to a wall*
?EURoeOne move towards your writer and it will not matter whose sister you are?EUR? I will kill you right here.?EUR?
*eyes flutter open slightly as her sister calls her name in a gasp*
I am an immortal wolf…
I know you live on… somehow. But I saw what I did to the man I love…
This is not what I want for you.
You told me once that the life I had when I left you was not the life you would have wished for me… now it is? I didn’t want to become the woman I was… the woman you met when you returned to me that night in April.
This is not what you want for yourself.
It’s not what I wanted for you either. Even if I drove you away… Yamaguchi Hajime still should have lived.
I let go of you to free you from my demands, whims and perhaps to free myself of guilt.
And left me with the guilt… Guilt I -cannot- bear. And when did I ever crave freedom from your demands and whims? You gave me a freedom I did not want… the guilt was all in your mind. I never feared you… I only feared that I would again drive you away, that I would fail you again… -I feared myself-.
Wake up. -Now-. Our daughter do not belong to dreams…
I can’t be selfish and have that dream alone… it’s not right. I can’t take a child named for sincerity and honesty, for the banner that our friends died under, and raise her with lies. Yet I can’t tell her what I did to her father… I could never stand to see her eyes look upon me with hate as well.
You do not belong in darkness.
I came from shadows, don’t you remember? I wanted to escape… to escape the pain and my own failings.
How can I leave peacefully if you give up ?EUR“this- way?
How did you ever expect me to? Everytime I tried to write my future… to go forward… I could only see your blood on my hands.
Now… put her down.
I didn’t want to become the woman I was… the woman you met when you returned to me that night in April.
*Flinches slightly but keeps his grip on IC Hide*
It’s not what I wanted for you either. Even if I drove you away… Yamaguchi Hajime still should have lived.
He didn’t want to live the way he was… I could not live that way. Weak… Unable to move.
And left me with the guilt… Guilt I -cannot- bear.
*Flinches again*
I only feared that I would again drive you away, that I would fail you again… -I feared myself-.
Has the passage of time dulled your mind? Didn’t you say once that with me you do not ever have to doubt that you are loved?
I can’t be selfish and have that dream alone… it’s not right. I can’t take a child named for sincerity and honesty, for the banner that our friends died under, and raise her with lies. Yet I can’t tell her what I did to her father… I could never stand to see her eyes look upon me with hate as well.
You did not do anything to me that I did not do to myself. You can tell Makoto the truth…
I came from shadows, don’t you remember?
No I do not remember nor do I accept.
How did you ever expect me to? Everytime I tried to write my future… to go forward… I could only see your blood on my hands.
And I do not want to see yours on mine. I’m an idiot. You already know that.
Now… put her down.
No… She took your place many times. She will be blood payment if you do this.
He didn’t want to live the way he was… I could not live that way. Weak… Unable to move.
I made him weak… I caused you to doubt yourself… I changed you. I took a strong, confident man and made him doubt himself… over a -woman-… I should have been the woman to offer him a place to truly live…. not to lead you to your death. I wanted to make him feel alive… as alive as I once felt when I was with him.
Has the passage of time dulled your mind? Didn’t you say once that with me you do not ever have to doubt that you are loved?
*squeezes her eyes shut* Then why did you leave me again? Like this… and your letter only made me feel worse… how could you be kind to someone so cruel? Why did you never think you did anything for me… when one of your last acts was to try to comfort me, give me hope? *twitches slightly* Why do two people who love each other so much keep giving up… in the name of the other one? When it’s not what they want…
You did not do anything to me that I did not do to myself. You can tell Makoto the truth…
The truth that I drove her father to madness? That the man she met and adored I took from her? I can’t bask in her love… knowing that she could have been loved more, that she too could have been somebody’s princess. That she could have given that precious gift to another… her love saved me so many times. I no longer deserved it to save me again, when my pain was of my own doing.
No I do not remember nor do I accept.
*hands grip the other tightly* And I do not accept you trying to give me back to Souji… he was my past. I never asked for perfect… only a fool would chase perfect when they already had something so precious, so amazing… and even without it it’s not what I wanted. My choice was a most imperfect man… I loved him because he was so real… but I only broke his spirit, the things that made him real.
And I do not want to see yours on mine. I’m an idiot. You already know that.
Mine isn’t on your hands. You’re free… you went first and left me alone. At times an idiot, but so was I. An idiot who so often let happiness fall from her hands… but the price you paid for my failures… it’s too heavy for me to take.
No… She took your place many times. She will be blood payment if you do this.
She was where I should have been…. when I should have been there for you. But one life does not exchange for another. Her life cannot pay for mine. *sits up, slowly, stiffly, keeps eyes cast down* Let her go, Hajime.
*Let’s the sister go slowly*
“Leave Yagi-san before I change my mind.”
*Turns to Hide*
“Your sister is a lucky woman… That you’d always go out of your way for her. In everything. Just once I wish you’d pick us… Bah!”
*Stands at a corner where the light is dimmest and starts to smoke*
“So… You want to be your old self.” *sneers* “How typical of you. Do you not see me? If you really thought you’d have killed me I wouldn’t be here.”
“The woman I knew then… Was someone who took a chance. She was someone I could trust. For the many times I gave up on her, she would never give up on me.”
*Looks at her with a mixture of sadness and anger* “If this is what you really want now Hide. Tell me honestly and I shall leave you in peace.”
*sister leaves out*
You think I’m here now her? She could have asked me back until her face turned blue but I wouldn’t come back for her. She called for me but -you’re- making me stay. *stands up* If it was just her… *looks away*
I see you… I see you. And until I heard your voice again as my eyes opened… I thought I -had- killed you. *mutters* We can cross universes, time and space but cheating death is a new one.
The man I met… would talk to me, because even if I couldn’t give him answers… being in my arms soothed him, my smile gave him hope… and I made him feel like a man… not the wolf or the cop but simply Hajime. Because he made me feel like a woman… he was the only person who ever simply called me “Hide”. And I was his playful Neko-chan, his beloved Hime-sama… showed me that if love was a weakness, it was also the greatest strength when shared together.
For the many times I gave up on her, she would never give up on me
You never did… or you never would have heard my voice all those times. You never would have come back to sleep by my door on that morning in early spring. You wouldn’t have written after you left me that morning with a kimono. You wouldn’t have come through time to be with me, to claim a life and a family again after I left you. You wouldn’t have been drawn to a small town by the sea for reasons you didn’t understand… fell in love with me again.
You never really left me, none of those times… but I took your death to be real. Not something you would answer me from. You would come back if I needed you… and I needed you most of all as I cried when I thought you died. *hair falls in face, she looks down* I called and you didn’t answer. I thought… you finally gave up on me because there was nothing redeemable about myself, and that I had made you so lost that you would never hear my voice again. And even now… even now you challenge me to live…
If this is what you really want now Hide. Tell me honestly and I shall leave you in peace.
I… want to live. But not the way you left me… not to another half-life… not to live with reminders of my failures. I want a life with you again… It’s not me to give up… we both know this. But either way I would be dying… I only took the short way, the easy way, the coward’s way.
*looks at him in his dark corner* I don’t want to be my old self… the Hide that I became. I want to be brave… true… loyal… with the confident grin… the smile… *quietly* But I need Hajime back as well. -He- gave me the choices, when he said he wanted to date me so long ago… that made me brave… brave enough to live outside of that woman’s head.
*grins slightly*
“Cheating death… That is something you’ve never done I suppose.”
*puts out the cigarette and comes to her side*
“I love you Hide. Sometimes it might seem insincere because I’m frightened by it.” *smiles slightly* “But you can’t tell that to anyone.”
“And as for living a half-life… That’s part of us now. You and I know what’s it like which is probably why… I try to run away from it. It was my fear that you didn’t love me the same way anymore. That perhaps you listened to your writer… Put your sister first… It was a horrid thought that always plagued me and yet so inappropriate to bring up.”
*sits down and pulls her to cradle her* “We can’t go back and pretend things didn’t happen. But even in that half-life weren’t you brave? Living and raising a daughter by yourself? Weren’t you loyal and true? You didn’t marry… Did I ever tell you that it was the first thing that bothered my mind?*becomes quiet*
“I’m insecure at times because there was a time that you didn’t pick us… But during that time… It would’ve been wrong to do so. That only proves you’re strong as well.”
*looks down* “And right now… I could give you choices but I don’t know how to move on. Except that perhaps you should stay with me. Somewhere…”
*a small smile slowly crosses her lips as he grins*
*quietly* I did once… the night Makoto was born… I was so tired, just like this night… and then it was… a dream. *looks up at him as he comes to her side* A dream of you that made me fight. *whispers* Don’t be a just dream this time…
Love is frightening… it’s leaping out there, -falling-… *takes his hand* But you didn’t just catch me… you took my hand and taught me to fly… *squeezes* And no… I won’t tell. *smiles a little more* I can’t have others knowing your weaknesses. Then I’ll be kidnapped as often as the Battosai’s woman…
We know how terrible the half-life is… we’ve faced the nightmares… and worse. Please… let’s live a -full- life together. My sister, I love her… but she doesn’t understand me like you do. *thoughtgully* She’s easily shocked…
*rests her head on his shoulder as she sits on his lap… for a moment quiet, relishing the sound of his heartbeat, his smell, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes* I know… -you- know… forgetting isn’t the answer. Wherever we go next, this night will be a part of us. Even this… *lightly touches his stomach* cannot be forgotten. *whispers, fiercely but with a great gasp of breath, her hand shaking slightly* You ahou, you -ever- die on me again, I -will- chase you down, and when I find you, I’ll show you how good I am with my tanto.
*calmer* And I didn’t marry… how could I ever be true to another when my heart was still bound to yours? How could I ever look to another… just like I won’t look at that -boy-. *shakes head* I’ll only go by another name for -one- man. Yamaguchi Hide… I still love the way that sounds.
And right now… I could give you choices but I don’t know how to move on. Except that perhaps you should stay with me. Somewhere…
Tell me, Hajime… where can we be together? With that little dream we named Makoto? *holds him tightly* And perhaps a few more? *laughs a little* But to be true to yourself… who you are… *looks at him, seriously.* I don’t want to make you feel lost…
*runs his hand through her hair*
Sleep for now… I’ll give you an answer tomorrow. I need you to take a rest.
*takes her to the futon… lays her down*
*looks at her briefly, then his eyes linger to the tanto by the side. Takes it -discreetly-, hiding it under his belt, then lies down beside her*
(OOC: Saitou here for now)
Tomorrow… *smiles* You need to rest too.
*pulls him close, closes her eyes*
*whispers* I love you…
(OOC: Asleep)