Beginnings
I had never spoken to anyone but my sister and Safety (but only to tell her how she was mistreating my sister) – I was content to be that little voice in her head… until you. When you said “I should seriously consider dating Hide” … I didn’t want it to be my sister. I wanted it to be me. So I stabbed the writer and spoke to you.
It started as teasing, a diversion. Shocked by my own boldness – I knew that I differed from my sister by being a bit violent (oh, and more talkative and not obsessed with the past and more independent….) but I had no idea about this – I went along … to see where it would go. Fascinated by this man that had been so kind to my sister. I had never been intoxicated by words so much… but something made me hold back a little – my inexperience? That you are married?
Why did I advise you then to turn back to your wife? Maybe… I was afraid of going down this path. I wanted to know if you really wanted me too, or if I was nothing but a diversion in the end. If I reminded you of her and was only a replacement while she ignored you. If you still went forward with me… maybe then I would risk more.
And then you made your move, and the teasing became more than words. The first time you kissed me, looked at me like I was wanted…. I knew I wanted this as well. Wanted -you-. It was then that I made the writer let me go… to find what I wanted. I made this choice freely and happily. You made me so happy then. You called me your “Neko-chan”… I was so taken by you.
Then sometime before we truly came together, I realized that I loved you. It happened so suddenly… but does that it make it any less real? Any less sincere? Had it just been about the physical aspect… that would have burnt out quickly, and at the first sign of trouble, collapsed. And through every time we could have parted… we came back, and what we had became stronger.
Then the first time… a beautiful moment, when I realized how wonderful it was to be -one- with someone… then, during the height of it, you asked me not to leave you. You almost broke my heart at that moment. At the time when we were so connected – physically and emotionally – that you would think that. Maybe it was that… than made me tell you what was in my heart, even if you weren’t ready to hear it, or answer me back. Since then I have hoped to convince you that I would never leave. Even without a child… I am bound to you. I opened myself to you, I gave my heart to you.
Forgive me for being so … unstable during that time. But my life was suddenly changing so quickly, both in relation to you and for me as a more active voice, and I had to spend a while convincing the writer to let me live my life. I don’t have all of the answers, and sometimes I will misstep. But know this… that with you I am the person that I am meant to be. That I want to be. My life with you will have its moments… but I do not regret a single one with you.
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hajimenokizu
2005-02-15 08:53 am UTC (link) Select
Hide,
I would’ve replied to you earlier but my thoughts were not in order and I didn’t know what to say. Your words are very clear and I do understand them just like I said to you the other night. Perhaps back then I was not prepared to discuss this with you. Perhaps I am not yet ready even now since I am replying here instead of speaking to you directly… The only reason I spoke for a few moments the other night was, perhaps I thought you might not rest easy that night and I knew I could not discuss this for a few days.
Yes this was a long standing problem between you and I. This thing that had started between us, it’s origins is important to me otherwise I would not be with you. Back then, or even into the few months we were together maybe I did not bring it up because in the back of my head, we were both quite unstable and I didn’t know how long it will last nor how far it will take us. But as time went on, it became more important and yet too distant that I thought bringing it up would be inappropriate on my part since you are here with me. But I did have to get it out somehow, perhaps to stay sane, so snippets of it came out in our arguments.
When did I start loving you? I don’t know… It went from admiring your sister who was kind and honest to me. I suppose for a time, I had wanted her to be with me. That for a time… While I spoke with her, I had thought it was her and not you I was speaking to. And then from there, I realized I had wanted all of Hide. It did not matter who it was I first met and admired, the only thing that mattered was Hide, whether she wanted to be with someone else or not. I threw away the notion that there were two of you. And when I realized, this woman whom I first laid eyes upon, had her eyes turned upon another it brought up so many fears… That in time you will leave me, whoever Hide was will leave. And… I didn’t know who it was that I wanted and fell in love with. If Hide was playing with what I had felt for her.
It is quite confusing that you insisted to be you… That you were not her… But if you were not her… Then you were not the person whom I fell in love with.
Your writer told Kizu once that I hurt you everytime I said that you and her will mend into one. That I denied your existence. It must’ve hurt quite badly and yet you did not tell me. Why is that? I wish you would’ve told me, maybe my eyes would’ve opened earlier and this question answered much earlier. I hate being a fool but I hate it more when you do not speak to me. I hate it more when you deny what is happening between us and around us. Next time… Talk to me. I -need- you to speak and tell me what kind of fool I really am. And when I don’t listen with a few words, don’t stop… Raise your hand, even that is welcome than this.
~Hajime
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