[13:37] *** “hajime” signed on at Fri Feb 25 13:37:31 2005.
[21:33] hajime: (OOC: Setting 2 days after Saitou comes back.) *opens door again, notices the place is a little different, heads to the study* You’re back. How was the -trip-?
[21:36] hide: “Oh, so -you’re- back….” I look up. I didn’t even hear here him come in… “Oh, it was fine, very refreshing,” I go back to my sewing. “I see you got my letter…” I finish up the seam, knotting the end of the thread. Ah, this is turning out nice.
[21:37] hajime: It’s good you went out. I always thought this house probably bored you. *sits at the corner of the bed, watching what she’s making*
[21:41] hide: “Bored? No… it’s just quiet sometimes.” I glance up at him. “I had to do something with myself… sitting around here -wondering- where you were was doing me little good.” I carefully fold the material… soft and white.
[21:43] hajime: “Oh? Wondering where I was?” *chuckles* “Why where did you think I was?”
[21:46] hide: I put the little yukata down in the basket along with my other completed project. He laughs that laugh of his and I close my eyes for a moment, tightly, before opening them again to look at him. “I’m glad you find it -amusing-… you were gone for a -month- Hajime. No word. You told me a few days… work? How was -I- to know? What to think?”
[21:48] hajime: Ah -that-… *moves behind her* DIdn’t I tell you this was going to happen? *traces the nape of her neck with his thumb.*
[21:56] hide: It would be -too- easy to give in as he touches me so softly… to that he is here now, to simply… forgive and forget… but… no… I can’t always take the easy way… the nice way. I move away to the other side. “Not like this. I didn’t know what to think. I am here, carrying our child… and you could be anywhere. And what am I to know? To think? I know your work comes first but I want to -know-…. you know what I’m terrified of… do you know what I went through? The thoughts I had? You tell me that you’ll return, you tell me to have faith – but those are only -words- when I am faced with the reality of days and then weeks… were you working? Were you hurt again… or worse? Or over there where it is -safer- for you? Ah, the where is not the most important part… what is important is that you chose not to tell me anything. I don’t need the -details- of your missions… just to know. Even if it wasn’t a time like this… that is not how I am to be treated, Hajime.” These things I must say.
[22:00] hajime: *let’s go* I told you I’ll be back. *shrugs* Don’t use the child against me. I could’ve sent you word.. yes… I didn’t. I needed to clear my head. and work does that. i’ll come back when you are more agreeable.
[22:09] hide: I look back over at him, my eyes angry but calm. “I don’t -use- the child against you…. but it is a factor now. A reality.” I stand. “You needed to clear -your- head so you didn’t contact me… no… that’s not how it works… it’s rather selfish… I left you word here when I left because I wouldn’t do that to you – no matter how much my head needed clearing – and trust me, it certainly did by that point.” I laugh a little, a dismissive little sound. “Agreeable? You mean not questioning you? Ah, I thought you liked it when a woman spoke her mind…” I shrug. “Maybe you only like it when I speak my mind to tell you something you want to hear?” I leave the room, walking down to the kitchen. I need tea.
[22:16] hajime: I follow her to the kitchen… Just looking. “Tea again… I thought I told you to drink something -better-.” I stand right in front of her, not letting her get to the -tea-.. ”
[22:21] hide: “I -like- tea. And milk doesn’t keep well in this weather,” I answer, filling the teapot instead of directly going to the cabinet to get tea.. Oh, he thinks he’s going to keep me from tea? Oh… I don’t need -this- from him right now. “I make my own choices on what I drink, and I prefer tea to spoiling milk.” I set the pot down, starting the heat. “Now, I do need to get to that cabinet, so move… don’t think that you standing there will stop me.” I glance back up at him.
[22:28] hajime: I take her wrist and hold it firmly. “I won’t stop you from what you want…” Takes the tea from the cupboard. “Here drink it if you wish… And yes you are right… I like it when you say things I want to hear. But then again you always were -safe-, so it didn’t matter back then much did it? And it didn’t matter whether I was around or not did it? Do you think I will say sorry for what has happened and what might happen?”
[22:36] hide: “It didn’t matter if you were around? What kind of nonsense is -that-? You know that I want you here. That I need you here… but I got tired of -silently- waiting.” I try to get my wrist free of his grip. “I don’t expect you to apoligize -that- you left… I know the nature of your work. But if you care for me, if you -respect- me, you will let me know. If it will be for two days or two months… these things I -need- to know.” I meet his eyes, “I don’t care how much you need to clear your head… think beyond that for once.” I manage to break free and take the cannister, going back to the teapot and pouring a cup, steeping the leaves.
[22:44] hajime: “Tch… here.. need me here?” I look around the place, “If you want an apology you have it.” The tone of my voice rises… So much for some peace. “Think beyond? I -do- think beyond! I left because I can’t stand being around here! I can’t stand being confused with you! I can’t stand thinking of you anymore! I can’t stand a lot of things!” I do not think I have lost control this much before… and certainly not as angry. I left because I made her miserable and I should’ve known coming back here would make her miserable. My voice finally evens out as I find it once again. “Kami…. take your drink and go to sleep.”
[22:55] hide: “Ah…. I confuse you… you can’t stand thinking of me?” My voice goes calm, I am calm. Again I am glad for the sunrises… it is what I learned by sitting there that keeps me from crying when he says these things. He is angry. Good. He will actually -say- things instead of making statements that I must try to search through to find what is actually -saying-. “Now I know where I stand, ne? I guess I had hoped, being the hopeful creature I am, that you would be stronger than the situation. You are… but that will be your answer to find…. just -how- you are.” I take a sip of tea, wishing I had something cooler to drink. “And don’t send me off to bed like some errant child… and I no longer sleep in the afternoons.” He’s missed a lot of things, I think.
[23:03] hajime: “Don’t say things in half syllables! Now you know where you stand? So tell me where do you stand? Stronger than the situation? Well now you -know- right? What kind of man you ended up with? Too bad I disappointed you.” I don’t know why I’m still standing here. All logic points to… That I should go. This is not right the things I am telling her. “Why don’t you just give it to me straight? You want to say I’m being negligent about your situation correct? Don’t cover it in half-assed attempts of “oh i no longer sleep in the afternoons”… Now you know that this is what Tokio went through. It’s too bad we’re only finding about this about us now.”
[23:16] hide: “Where I stand? I stand here with you now, but you try to push me away.” I look at him, at those eyes. How I want to go to him, but no… -kissing- away the situation won’t take away the problems at the bottom. “I am not disappointed with the man I’m with… just the things he -does- sometimes, they infuriate me, because he has shown me better regard in the past.” I go back to the teapot I take it off the heat. “And I was not taking you to task for being negligent… but things have changed. Things I couldn’t wait to tell you about. But you’re twisting the issue… again, it’s not that you left, it’s that you didn’t tell me. I know you won’t be here all the time. Finding out about it now? No, it’s only now that I’m telling you that if you are going to be with me, you can’t ignore me… put me aside until it is more convenient for you.”
[23:24] hajime: “I’m not trying to ignore you…” I tell her. “If I could… I -would-. I can only do -this- for you and for the child. The next time I leave you will get a note, if this is important. When you don’t get a note, then yes go ahead and be angry as you are tonight. But I didn’t come today to fight you…” There… I was able to say what I want. It’s time to leave. “Do what you want with your life. Choices… are important.”
[23:30] hide: He is still torn… everything he says, tells me… that the two worlds he must travel between… it has not been resolved for him. “I didn’t want to see you again to fight with you, either, but I can’t keep silent with the idea of being ‘safe’… things sometimes must be said.” I sigh, leaning against the counter. “And I make my own choices, and my wishes remain unchanged.” I finally look back over at him. “As I said… I had things to tell you.” He’s not noticed – but then again, the way one dresses does much to keep these small changes concealed.
[23:31] *** You have been disconnected. Fri Feb 25 23:31:00 2005.
[23:32] *** “hajime” signed on at Fri Feb 25 23:32:02 2005.
[23:32] hide: He is still torn… everything he says, tells me… that the two worlds he must travel between… it has not been resolved for him. “I didn’t want to see you again to fight with you, either, but I can’t keep silent with the idea of being ‘safe’… things sometimes must be said.” I sigh, leaning against the counter. “And I make my own choices, and my wishes remain unchanged.” I finally look back over at him. “As I said… I had things to tell you.” He’s not noticed – but then again, the way one dresses does much to keep these small changes concealed.
[23:35] hajime: I shrug and shake my head. “Didn’t we talk enough today? What other things do you need to tell me?” I wait for her to answer. Whatever it is I hope it is not something she expects me to react accordingly.
[23:41] hide: “Not everything I would tell you would be to fuss at you,” I say, shaking my head. “And it’s nothing I -needed- to tell you. Just things I wanted to. Results… that while sitting on the beach one morning, watching the sunrise… I felt our child for the first time. A little flutter.” I turn, and smile a little at the memory, and how happy it makes me when I feel it, every time. -This- is what I must fight for… this, and all the other reasons, are why I cannot be afraid to challenge Hajime and can no longer remain silent.
[23:45] hajime: I… do not know what to say… Our child… My child… I want to go near her but this… even this frightens me. A child that I had wanted so much. I nod slowly at her. “A flutter?” I ask quietly. “Have you seen the doctor while I was away?”
[23:51] hide: “Yes, he’s come by twice to check on me… he’s trying to get a midwife that I had heard of, one that knows western techniques as well as traditional.” Sasaki-sensei is progressive, and I am glad for that. “He says I am doing well, our child is doing well… we are both growing.” I wave a hand at my midsection. “Yes, flutters… our child is getting strong enough to make itself known… seems to prefer mornings… or at least is up early, like someone else I know.” I look over to him with a trace of a smile. “It will be a couple more weeks before you can feel it, on the outside, I think.”
[23:54] hajime: “That is fortunate…” I watch her smile… That’s good. She’s not entirely… “You can feel it inside?’
[23:59] hide: I shake my head. “Not right now… it comes and goes… it reminded me of butterflies.” I laugh a little, quietly. “If this is a son I doubt he would like to be equated with butterflies… but the feeling will get stronger…” I reach over, taking his hand, and place it on the swell of my abdomen. “Right there, very light… but very distinct.”
[00:02] hajime: She takes my hand and I feel a slight bump. I watch her there for a moment. “That’s good. If the baby is a boy, you should teach him to be… a gentleman.” Withdrawing my hand.. I follow it up. “If a girl then perhaps teach her to be like yourself.”
[00:10] hide: I go a little cold at his words, and move away. “Mmm… we should both have things to teach our child,” I say, the smile falling from my face. “Both of those qualities you speak of… you must teach them as well. Only you can teach our son about the things you believe in… and you must tell our daughter stories about what trouble her mother is.”
[00:17] hajime: “Hide…” I’m not sure even when I try… I seem to say the wrong things. I grit my teeth and go behind her. “Yes… I… ” swallowing hard, I continue, “I shall tell them how troublesome their mother is and how… much I love their mother.” I’m so pathetic.
[00:19] hide: He said it… after so long he said it. “Ah, and they shall know how stubborn their father is, yet how I still love him… ” I reach back for his hand. “and I’ll always love him, no matter how stubborn he is,” I say, softly.
[00:22] hajime: Her touch I think brings me back somehow. I gladly take it, even if I kept my face straight. “Your tea will go cold if… You just stand here…”
[00:28] hide: “My writer likes cold tea…” I muse, but I think it’s just colored sugar water and has little to do with what I drink. I turn to face him, still holding his hand. “And tea… there are things more important, I think.” I look up into his eyes. Not pleading, but clear… even after our arguement, I feel a clairity and a resolve that I haven’t in a long time.
[00:31] hajime: She looks up and I gaze at her. Those dark brown eyes… “I don’t think…” I swallow again… Pride… I don’t usually.. No..I don’t.. “I’m sorry Hide. For many things, I can’t explain each one. I wish I could.”
[00:32] hajime: (OOC: going invisible)
[00:33] *** “hajime” signed off at Sat Feb 26 00:33:07 2005.
[00:37] hide: I nod. “Thank you,” I whisper. I take his other hand with mine, and lean forward to rest my head on his chest, as always, to be strong -with- him. “I don’t expect you to explain everything… but don’t push me away… and be honest with me. I would rather you be honest and tell me someting that might hurt me than keep things from me in an attempt to keep me ‘safe’, alright? It’s not always going to be ‘safe’.”
[00:40] hajime: A stillness… A calm as she lays her head on me. I reach and hold her. Honesty… I sigh a bit. “If… While you can still travel… We should see your brothers and let them now.” I wonder what she will think?
[00:45] hide: He holds me, and my arms go around his waist. After these storms … we seek each other out, it seems. “Yes, we should.” As kind as they are… I still don’t know how they will take it, or how they will accept it … if they can. “I do not want to hide this…” It is too important.
[00:49] hajime: Yes… this should not be hidden… little by little things must be done and I… although it -still- frightens me.. the choices must be made soon. I rest my head on her hair… Funny how short she is… at least foot short. “So Hide…” I move her towards the table to seat her. “Tell me what did you do there… Your letter did not reveal very much.” I try to smile at her but it ended more in a grin. Oh well.
[00:54] hide: “Oh, I relaxed… well, as much as I could with a chatty teenager.” I tell him about my ‘job’ with Naomi-chan. “Shopping, lessons… and I saw the ocean.” My smile brightens at the thought of that. “It was… amazing. I went out every morning at sunrise – and you know I don’t like early mornings – just to watch.” And think. It was so beautiful, peaceful. “I enjoyed it.”
[00:57] hajime: I nod at this. She had enjoyed herself… This is good. Sometimes it is good to be apart. To think or rather not to think. “Naomi-chan sounds like an interesting young lady. I hope her aunt? visits here more often.” Sunrises… “Hmmm… yes you were never a morning person so yes now that I think about it you probably never seen sunrises before.”
[01:01] hide: I roll my eyes. “I have too seen sunrises before… ” I swat at his arm, lightly. “Yes, her aunt is someone I see in the neighborhood… she was mostly with her sister, Naomi-chan’s mother, while we were there, to let the ‘young ladies’ spend time together.” I laugh at that. “I am almost twice that girl’s age… I even got older while we were apart… I am 33 now, you know…” I smile.
[01:04] hajime: “Oh… I…” Damn it… “I forgot.” I stand up and look through the cupboards, we should eat soon.. maybe I can prepare something. Shaking my head at myself. She did tell me that in Kyoto… “What do you want to eat? and nothing frivulous, i’m not a good cook.” I try to sound light but it comes out more clipped.
[01:10] hide: “Oh…” I almost think that I shouldn’t have said anything… no, no… that’s -hiding-. I get up to go over to where he is, “make it up to me later?” I wink at him. Ah, -things aren’t solved like that-, Hide. “Make me whatever you -can- make… my writer has this theory that men have one dish they can prepare so stunningly well and not much else… what is your specialty?” I smile up at him. “Oh, and I do have coffee for you…” I pull it out of the cabinet where I had put it away. “And at some point, I must make rice pudding for you… I think I can make it right.” I smile.
[01:12] hajime: Ah… I can make scrambled eggs well..” I smile at her, relieved that she didn’t make such a big fuss. “and steamed rice… and do make me some coffee. i need it later for you know…” I smirk at that. “rice pudding would be good but don’t forget the tofu…”
[01:16] hide: Such simple things! “Then show me, Hajime, how well you do at these!” I set the hot water back on for coffee. “Rice pudding and tofu… yes, I shall make that for you soon…” I grin, going back to sit dramatically at the table. “But tonight, you’re cooking…”
[01:19] hajime: “I can make a good one.” I tell her confidently. “I have learned from the Kyokuchou who kept telling me his wife recipe…” I take some onions, garlic and tomato and mixed them all with the eggs. “I’m quite fast at this.” I look back at her. “But the rice will take a while.” A sense of nomality is coming back again… Just a little but it’s there as I pour the concoction on the pan… It sizzles…
[01:22] hide: I smell the ingredients going into the pan. “Ah, this is more than standard scrambled eggs…” I try not to watch too much… not just to see how he cooks, but just to look at him again. I get back up to see to the water, getting his coffee ready, and making myself a fresh cup of tea.
[01:25] hajime: I toss the pan just slightly, sending the tamago into the air and then placed some pepper and salt on it. Half done… It’s funny how I can still remember this. “See to the rice will you?” I smell the coffee it will be time soon.
[01:27] hide: I watch him as he flips the eggs in the air. I look at the rice. “Coming along well, should be done shortly.” I bring the drinks over to the table. I love these mundane moments of… a normal life together just as much as I do the more dramatic or… ah, personal ones.
[01:30] hajime: Finally finished I head over with the -dish- towards the table. “Hmmm… Eat… and no.. you don’t have to tell me what you think.” I tell her. “At least not on this one.” Bah… I seat myself and start with the coffee.
[01:31] hide: I take a bite, looking thoughtful. “No, I shall always tell you what I think…
[01:31] hide: (OOC hold on!)
[01:32] hide: I think for another moment, tasting it. “It is good… simple, but good.” I smile.
[01:33] hajime: “Tch. I -am- not a woman.” I scowl a bit. “if you weren’t so “big” I wouldn’t even offer.”
[01:34] *** “hajime” signed on at Sat Feb 26 01:34:28 2005.
[01:34] hide: “Ah… I didn’t say that you were an -excellent- cook, that is -my- title!” I say with a smile. “Big! Ah, just you wait and see…” I laugh before going back to eating. “Thank you for cooking, though.”
[01:37] hajime: “Hmmm… your title… fine.” I look up the ceiling. “You should get a new one… something that says food and fat at the same time.” I chuckle a little. Of course she’s not yet -fat-. I start eating. “Hmmm… It’s been a while…. I had thought this would make me gag.” Ah tolerable at least…
[01:39] hide: “Fat!” I make a face at him across the table, sticking my tongue out. Oh, yes, I will be an excellent mother as well… I can only laugh at myself at this point.
[01:40] hajime: and i thought you were a lady… I hope our child is not a -girl-. can’t have her taking after her mother. *chuckles*
[01:42] hide: I only laugh at that. “Ah, yes, a lady when I -need- to be…” I get up and go to where he is sitting, and kiss his cheek. “Very proper when I need to be, ne?” I take my empty plate over to the sink.
[01:44] hajime: Tch… Whatever. You’re staying away from my kid when it’s born. I shall find him or her a decent role model. I don’t think -we- will be good examples. *I follow her to the sink and place my plate there too* I cooked so you will wash…
[01:47] hide: I shake my head, smiling. “Yes, yes…” I rinse the dishes, and the cooking dishes. I turn to face him again. “No, they will learn all about being troublesome and stubborn and they will roll their eyes at how their parents can’t behave!” I wink at him.
[01:49] hajime: They?” My eyebrow quirks up… “There is only a small chance of us having twins. And as for behaving…”
[01:50] hide: “Ah… -they-… ” I shake my head. “I simply hate saying -it-… ” I step closer. “And what of behaving?” I ask, my eyebrows raised…
[01:51] hajime: “nothing…” I show her my back.
[01:53] hide: I go closer, and from behind him put my arms around his waist. “Nothing?” I ask. Ah, I hate being so short… if I could only reach his neck…
[01:55] hajime: I breathe rather deeply… “Absolutely nothing.” I take her hand and pull her around to face me. “What were you talking about?” I feign ignorance.
[01:57] hide: I tilt my head to the side and look thoughful. “Behaving…” I shrug, grinning.
[01:59] hajime: “Bah… Not with a bump on you. After… I’ll misbehave all I want later. But for now…” I bend down slightly and kiss her forehead. “you’ll have to be content with that.”
[02:02] hide: I pull him down for a kiss, light yet lingering. These lips I’ve missed…. “and will you be content with that?” I smile. “The doctor said… it is fine. And I told you I would be honest if it didn’t feel right…” I pull him close. “You should see the progress of the -bump- at least… we have grown, you know!” The food at the onsen was -excellent-, after all.
[02:07] hajime: “Hmmm… No honestly not.” I say as she lets me go. “Until I can hold out… And yes Hide… I can hold out pretty long.” I hold her at arms length. “but show me…” I start to untie her obi, not really waiting for her. She’s slow after all. Then I part her kimono slowly. Trying not to look anywhere else so that my hands do not touch certain parts of her. I see the small protusion. “Hmmm… I hope the child will take after my height at least… He or she can take everything else that’s yours.”
[02:11] hide: I laugh. “Yes, hopefully taller than me…” He treats me carefully, so carefully. “I thought you weren’t patient…” I say, softly. I know that it is more than the physical aspect that keeps us together, but it -is- something we share.
[02:15] hajime: “I’m not… But it’s not like you can push these things… And…” I smile back at her while I let the palm of my hand feel the skin and flesh on her stomach before finally closing it. “Perhaps you should stop reading Shinobi and the Kitsune…” I chuckle and re-tie her obi. “It’s giving you ideas…”
[02:18] hide: I look up at him. “I have plenty of ideas on my own…” I could probably give -her- ideas, after all… I watch him re-tie my obi. “You are getting better at dressing me… I remember when you couldn’t even -untie- this thing…” I laugh, softly, moving my hand to his face to brush his bangs back. “If we do not… you will still stay the night with me?”
[02:23] hajime: “Women untie…” Ah… what the hell was I going to say? they untie their obis for me? That was so long ago. “They can tie and untie their own obis. I just got used to yours I guess.” Sh brushes the bangs on my face. “I can stay the night of course.” It’s alright I had planned for this already, I’ve been with Tokio almost the whole week. It’s about time I -stay- here. “Should we sleep early? or shall we have another game of shogi?”
[02:25] hide: “Oh, -good-…. and yes, more shogi, for one day I shall win!” I laugh, leading him to the tatami room where I keep it. (OOC – end scene?)
[02:26] hajime: (OOC – yes) Hmmm… She is a bad Shogi player but… I shall humor her tonight.