[20:58] *** “hajime” signed off at Tue Feb 08 20:58:56 2005.
[21:00] hajime: (Setting: two days after Kyoto… afternoon as usual…) *goes straight into the house and does not knock, uses his special ability of climbing windows and sits in the tatami room*
[21:02] hide: I hear something…. it is afternoon… I walk quietly from the kitchen … look over at the living room… to the tatami room. I smile. “Good afternoon, Hajime.”
[21:02] hajime: Hmmm… Took you long enough… *smirk*
[21:03] hide: I sit down next to him. “I’m slow, remember?” I lean over to kiss his cheek. It is good to be home again. Nice to see my family… but this place is home.
[21:05] hajime: Yes I remember quite well… So did you get to do what you want at home? How many kimonos did you buy? *grins*
[21:07] hide: I smile. “Just the one… and that was bought -for- me, I might remind you…” I laugh, “and here you thought that I was going to go on a shopping spree, ne? I did get some small things… and with summer coming, I though a new yukuta would be a good idea…” Ah but yes. “I did have a nice time, thank you for taking me. Are you… recovered?” I look over at his shoulder.
[21:10] hajime: Well you said as such… I suppose I am quite gullible in your eyes. *chuckles* As for my shoulder, these things takes a while to heal. it should be less annoying in a couple of days. by the way… do you have a hand grater?
[21:11] hide: I nod. “Of course, in the kitchen…” I get up to get it.
[21:11] hajime: *takes something from under the low table and follows her to the kitchen* I want one with large holes…
[21:12] hide: I go through the drawers, and hold up two. “Which one?”
[21:13] hajime: Hmmm… *thinks: I thought I said a hand grater with large holes…* *takes the one that looks like it will work* I need a knife too.
[21:14] hide: What is he…. Ah well I shall see, ne? I take out my good knife. “Here you go…”
[21:16] hajime: Looks at the knife… Well this will do. *chuckles and thinks the knife is not really sharp* Puts the bag on the counter. *gives back the knife* Cut the melon in to slices… NOT squares… *looks at the hand grater… not sure if it will work* I should’ve asked for a coconut grater… or a zester… *sighs and looks into the cupboard for a pitcher*
[21:18] hide: I cut the melon into slices as he asks. “What are you looking for?” Slice, slice.
[21:19] hajime: Nope.. I found it.. *takes the pitcher down and looks for a large spoon* *shakes head after unsuccesfully finding none* Tch! Where do you keep all your utensils hide… *sighs in frustration*
[21:20] hide: “Right in this drawer here…” Still engaged in slicing the melon, I motion my head down to the drawer to my right.
[21:21] hajime: “Oh…” (thinks: why did i miss that drawer?) *shakes head and chuckles* Milk and sugar?
[21:23] hide: “Sugar… this cabinet…” I nod at the one to the left. He’ll probably think that it’s funny that there’s nothing above the first shelf. “Milk… ” I think for a minute. Do I -have- milk? Where would I keep it?
[21:25] hajime: Hmmm… Takes the sugar… *leaves cabinet door open… and searches for milk in the other cabinets… notices everything is on the first shelf* *smirks and closes all the doors* I can’t find the milk… *eyes beam a bit*
[21:27] hide: I put down the knife and wipe my hands on a towel. I go to where I keep the milk. “Ah, here.” I hand it to him and go back to the melon slicing, smiling.
[21:28] hajime: Hmmm.. *smells it first* Ah alright it is still good. *puts the milk down and starts taking the sliced melon and grating it one by one* *after only a few minutes starts to perspire* *sighs again*
[21:31] hide: I notice him starting to sweat. “It’s getting warm already, right?” I go to open the windows, and go over back to him. “Here, I’m done slicing, let me get this … unless you -are- going to serve me?” I grin up at him.
[21:33] hajime: Ah.. No.. I’m serving myself… *says it seriously* I like Melon and milk together. Looks at her. But i’ll give you some later… *grates harder and faster now.* remind me to just buy this next time. *frustrated* (thinks: Now how am I supposed to cook that milkfish sour broth next time? I’m not familiar with this kitchen at all!)
[21:36] hide: I stand close, watching him. “I hope you would let me have some later!” I laugh. “Unless you’ve just come by to use my kitchen…” I lean back against the counter and smile.
[21:38] hajime: *looks at her puzzled* I’m already using your kitchen. *goes back and finally finishes grating. puts some milk into it and just tiny amount of sugar and starts strring it vigorously, the glass pitcher vibrating a bit…* Hmmm.. kizu said one day there’ll be an easier way to do this… *looks inside the pitcher and stirs again… some juice spilling to the side as he does so*
[21:40] hide: I restrain myself from immediatly cleaning up the spill, and stay where I am. “Easier? I would hope so… ”
[21:42] hajime: Hai hai… *stares at it again…* well this should be enough… i need glasses. *ignores the spills and takes some glasses from the cupboard and pours himself a glass. and sits by the a small stoll by the kitchen window* *tastes* Not bad.. Get yourself some. *starts to smoke*
[21:44] hide: I pour myself a glass, and quickly wipe up the spills. Tasting it. “This is good, quite good…” I go to sit over with him at the window.
[21:44] hajime: Yes it is… *blows smoke out* You should’ve made me clean that. *nods over the kitchen*
[21:48] hide: “Oh?” I look down. “Is this where I should fuss at you more?” I look back over at him. “You did most of the work, I should clean.” I think for a minute, and smile softly. “You should learn where things are, though. I’d like you over here more. And weren’t you going to show me how to cook some sort of fish?”
[21:51] hajime: *sighs* Again… Do not be so affected by some of the things I say. And fussing is different from standing up for yourself. I made the mess… I should clean it. Don’t you agree? *watches her smile and smirks suddenly* Learn where things are? Over here more… *chuckles* I think our writers will object to that… But the fish will come in time. I just found out why I didn’t become a chef after all.
[21:56] hide: “Why you didn’t become a chef? No, no, this is quite good.” I drink more, and then, thinking. “When I said over here more…” I smile a little. “I guess I just wish that this was your home, where you would need to know your way around my kitchen.” Ah. This has been -too much- on my mind since his reply to the song. And with other things on my mind.
[21:59] hajime: Tilting my head slightly… (thinks: I thought I did say this was my home? that i wanted to back -home-) I watch her face carefully. I could catch her on it… but… “So anything you’d like to tell me?” I ask nonchalantly as possible. “or ask for that matter…”
[22:02] hide: “Safety…. posted that song, and I saw where you replied to it. Firstly… not all of those lyrics -mean- something. Someone else did write it after all.” I smile a little. Not looking over at him I take his hand. I need to hold on… while I try to think of what to say… how to say it. “So I’ve been trying to … understand what I feel. You know I am -slow- when collecting my thoughts…”
[22:05] hajime: I take a drag and let the smoke out the window… “Which ones did mean anything?” Perhaps some of that didn’t mean anything to her… but some of them might have meant something to me… and I should explain if at all possible.
[22:09] hide: “I think it’s the idea… that jealousy makes one feel terribly inadequate… because you’re always comparing youself.” I frown. “And I know that the line about lies doesn’t apply to us. You’ve always been truthful when me, after all.” I look at my hand on his. “I fell in love with you knowing this… that she’s there… so I wasn’t naive in that.”
[22:15] hajime: She won’t ask… Interesting… She won’t stand up for herself also… “There’s nothing worse than being apathetic to it…” I’m not reprimanding her… I don’t think. “When I get jealous of Souji it is not because I feel inadequate… You should not feel inadequate… You fill my needs quite well… And I think you know that.” I’m more calm I think today… I’m not sure why. Usually at the mention of Souji’s name whether it be from my lips or hers would send me into a mad tissy. Although i’m not sure if i’m being apathetic as well…
[22:23] hide: “I can’t… resent her. Even though I really want to. It’s not like when you married her that you chose her over me… because I wasn’t a choice for you -then-, ne?” I get up, letting go of his hand but I’m looking out of the window, not seeing anything. “And now…” I shake my head a little, my hands gripping the windowsil. “I don’t think I -want- to know if you love her, or if you still share a bed with her…. ” I do, but I’m not sure if I can hear it.
[22:28] hajime: I flick the cigarette out the window and move to her back slowly encircling my hands around her. “If you don’t ask I will not answer… But I’ll stay beside you if you want me to.” She’s not ready I’m sure… I’ll have to find another way to draw it out from her. I nuzzle her neck again, just smelling her. “By the way I forgot to tell you how pretty you looked in that purple kimono.”
[22:33] hide: I feel him near me, and lean back against him. At least I started the conversation. Started to think about her and not… -not- think about her. “Yes… stay because I want you to stay. I need you to stay. As I will always stay with you.” I close my eyes and put my hand on his. I feel a little less -shaky- with him holding me… for a moment I enjoy the closeness. “Ah, pretty? I’m glad you approved… but I figured you must as you couldn’t seem to keep your hands off of me…” I open my eyes to tilt my head back to look up at him.
[22:35] hajime: Letting her go abruptly… I cross my arms and smirked back at her. “I can keep my hands off you whenever I wish Hime-sama… Whenever I wish…” I stand there wondering what she’ll do next… It’s always the opposites with her I think… always one or another when it comes to this… But in other things, we shall have to work on that.
[22:39] hide: I turn to look back at him. “Ah, just as I can be rather -restrained- myself.” I stand there, eyebrows raised, before turning to almost kiss him and then pull away. “See? So -very- restrained…”
[22:41] hajime: “Alright… As you wish.” I bow slightly and take another glass of melon juice and just watch her from a distance. It’s this game again that we play. She knows of course that I want her… But it’s alright I think, we should be able to stand around this room in silence.
[22:46] hide: I try to keep my face neutral. I sip on the glass of juice that I have, my eyes still on him… looking. Putting down the glass, I reach into my obi and pull out a ribbon. “It -is- warm in here…” I say, mostly just to say it, as I tie my hair back.
[22:47] hajime: “No… I really don’t think so… It’s rather -cold-.” Yes the sun is setting once again… and here I am telling her I want her… Instead of just talking to her.
[22:50] hide: I walk over to where he is standing to put the glass by the sink. “Mmm… cold?” I look up at him from the corner of my eyes, my arm brushing against his as I rinse the glass out. I wonder… who will make the first move?
[22:51] hajime: She brushes her arms against me… Hmmm… She’s toying with me I think… And I can only toy in the cruelest of ways… “I suppose i should go back to Saya.” I tell her nonchalantly and move away slightly. She might hit me I think… Actually I really want her to.
[22:56] hide: My head jerks up. Saya? I look up at him… is he joking? I thought that woman … I stand close to him and press myself against him. “Ah, but it is a long way to Kyoto, is it not? And it is already so -cold-…” I turn and look back over my shoulder at him. “It is warm -here- though.”
[22:58] hajime: “I can get it there… Then just return here.” I shrug and narrow my eyes at her. Oh… Oh… I think that’s way under the belt… But she asked for it I think.
[23:02] hide: “Are you just -playing- with me then?” I don’t turn to look at him. This teasing suddenly went very wrong. The things he’s saying… I turn to look at him, my eyes angry. “You want me to admit that I’m jealous of Tokio – I am. I want you to myself. I’m -selfish- like that. So don’t bring other women into this.”
[23:06] hajime: That’s good… She’s getting angry. “You should take a glass of water and spill it on my face… or better yet slap me as hard as you could.” I don’t think this is about Tokio… This is about us…
[23:10] hide: “Hurting you won’t change anything,” I say in a clipped voice. My hands clenched at my side, shaking a little. “Not a damn thing.”
[23:16] hajime: “That’s what you think…” I move closer to her, towering over her. “Onna, you won’t hurt me because you’re afraid to change things… You are afraid of change, just like I was. You’re standing right here containing your anger when you know quite well I’ve just insulted you.” I move uncomfortably closer still to her face, staring right at her. thinks: Fight me hide… it will do us a lot of good.
[23:21] hide: “Change? What can -I- change?” I shake my head. I look at him… too close… too close and too cruel. “I am -not- afraid.” My eyes sting as my arm raises up and my hand makes a smacking sound as it strikes his face. Stunned, I step back and look at him, shaking.
[23:28] hajime: Quietly he watches her. “You’ve got a good arm…” She’s shaking and I try to think for a moment whether it would be good if… I move towards her briskly and pull her to the living room. I have never been a patient man. “You’re like a teapot Hide.” I push her down the sofa. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me before and I had to hear from someone else? That song that you had posted was from months ago! Why did you let me do that to you?!!” I corner her with both my arms, she can struggle if she wants. I don’t care.
[23:36] hide: Trapped on the sofa I look up at him. “Why did I let you? Why didn’t I tell you then? Why why why?” I say, almost shouting, and I push against him. “Why?” Then… I feel as if the energy has gone from me and I slump back against the sofa. “Because… I had to be strong.” I shake my head and feel my eyes stinging again.
[23:42] hajime: She pushes against me and I squint just slightly as she hits my bad shoulder. But this is more important between us and I’ll be damned if I let her go tonight without getting my answers… I finally get it though… Tonight… a lot of manipulating… “Kami-sama Hide… Show me your weakness for once. Cry in front of me for once.” I plead in front of her but my breathing is now haggard. “Please…”
[23:47] hide: He says…. it’s almost like I have permission… everything that I’ve been keeping back… the things that I don’t think about… it all comes up… as tears flow down my cheeks. I curl up in the corner of the sofa… sobbing. “Hajime don’t leave me again… ” I whisper, all the fears… the hurt… coming out. “Don’t….”
[23:55] hajime: I let her go… Just to let her cry for a minute. It’s very revealing her words… The same fear that I harbor everyday, but I’ve calmed down a bit since she was always there. In Kyoto I saw something important… I sit beside her on the sofa not touching her. I start smoking while I watch her cry. She’s got to let it out so I just let her cry there as I smoked my cigarette… “I told you before I’m not going anywhere…” Taking another puff watching her through the white clouds. “Especially now that you do need me… And even if you didn’t.” That’s true. She kept telling me she needed me then, but I didn’t believe her… But I stuck around. I reach out and stroke her hair… It’s not Tokio and it’s not Souji… It’s just us…
[00:00] hide: I hear his words as I continue to cry, gasping for air, like a child. Then his hand on my hair… so comforting it only makes me cry more. “Then don’t go… ” I manage to get out. I turn to bury my face in his side.
[00:07] hajime: I can’t imagine leaving again. She doesn’t know how much it hurts to leave her. Frankly I couldn’t do it again even if… I put the cigarette out on the ashtray. Her face is to my side… just a little more.. i let her cry a little more. it hurts to see her like this… but i think she will feel better just like when i cried to her in kyoto. She never did find out. Our lives are intertwined so much eventhough we are very different people. I close my eyes for a moment… It is a sadness and happiness at the same time… to know she felt like this. I pull her up beside me and reach into my pocket… People never seem to have handkerchiefs in these situations… I slid it into her hand. “When you’re done…” I pull her close to me..
[00:11] hide: Slowly, slowly, I feel myself coming back… calming down… my breathing becoming more even, and I dry my eyes and pull myself closer to the man I love so much… I must be a mess… but somehow I feel freer. That I don’t… have to keep things. It’s not enough just to tell him things sometimes… it will have to be everything, and I can’t be afraid that feeling a certain way – anger, sadness… It’s not strength to keep it all locked away.
[00:14] hajime: Her breathing slowly evens out… I think… I take the hanky from her briefly taking note of how wet it was and shove it deep into my pocket. “Would you like tea?” I ask turning slightly to meet her gaze. “Or… I still have a cigarette.”
[00:17] hide: I shake my head a little. “No…. no tea, or cigarette, either.” I smile a little at that, and look into his eyes. “All I want right now is you.” I rest my head on his good shoulder.
[00:20] hajime: I turn slightly to kiss her forehead. Then just stay there. “Tomorrow we’ll go out to get my katana. Then we’ll go somewhere you like. Any suggestions Hime?”
[00:24] hide: “Mmm… no, surprise me… ” I move closer and graze my lips against his jawline before pulling closer.
[00:27] hajime: “Surprise you… Alright…” Her lips touches my jaw. I look back at her and pull her chin up and kiss her back nipping at her lips lightly.
[00:30] hide: I deepen the kiss, opening my lips under his, my hand coming up to touch his face, before sliding around through his hair to rest on the back of his neck. I break away. “Yes… well, you do know Tokyo better,” I smile before I bring my lips back again to his.
[00:35] hajime: I run my tongue on her lips lightly before finding her tongue and closing my eyes…. I think the demons we have are just in our heads… It must be… Because I am certain of what I feel for her. Removing my lips from her, I stay inches close to her face. “Hide… We need to trust each other… Have faith in me even if it’s a blind one.” I look into her eyes deeply with no inhibitions. If she could only read my mind, I think we won’t have these kinds of problem…
[00:42] hide: I brush the hair back from his face. “Yes… to trust you… and trust in me.” I look back into his eyes. “Sometimes I will hurt you, you will hurt me… but I will still love you. And have faith in you… in us.” To want to make him understand in a way that I can’t quite express … that he completes me. “I won’t keep things from you… from myself… like that. I’m not protecting you when I do that… I’m just being afraid. And I don’t need to be…” I feel some of that assurance, that clairity that I’ve felt, coming back.
[00:48] hajime: A weird smile creeps up to my face… “Yes… That’s right because… I want to -know- what you think… I want to -know- what you feel… your opinions… even if I don’t ask for them, just tell me.” Because I want…. no… tell her… “Because I want to be one with you.” I chuckle at my own silliness for a bit… no not silliness… this thing is just so new to me… to talk to her. “If only I had my katana… someone will be gatotsu’d tonight.” I tease of course of my writer… but no I’m quite serious about it.. “I had wanted this night to be more light between us..” *shakes head*
[00:52] hide: “No, no…” I shake my head, “I think we -needed- this tonight… after the song my writer posted… things needed to be said… ” I take his hand, holding it up, and lace my fingers through his, thinking of how small my hand looks there, yet… how right it feels.
[00:55] hajime: “You haven’t eaten dinner…” I tell her suddenly aware that the evening has passed so quickly. “Any request Hime? And no don’t say -me-…” I chuckle a little at that. “I’m staying here tonight with all the other roomates you have.”
[01:00] hide: I run the tip of my tongue up his jaw and nip on his earlobe. “But you do taste so good…” I whispher, before getting up and taking his hand. “Let’s see what I have here, and I will show you where things are.” I am glad to hear that he will stay tonight. Then I remember… something I had to give him. “Wait, wait, I will be right back.”
[01:01] hajime: She runs out on me… I look back for a moment.. my eyes lingering on where she disappeared to. I look down for a moment… then head straight back to the kitchen.
[01:02] hide: Coming back from my room I find him in the kitchen. “I had been wondering… when to give you you these.” I hold out two keys. “The gate and the front door… this is your home, you shouldn’t have to sneak in through the windows, ne?” I smile at him.
[01:07] hajime: A grin.. that turns to a smile… and an uncontrollable laughter… How did she read my mind? I take the keys not letting go of her hand and hug her tightly. “I was wondering when…” My close my eyes…. God she’s going to make me bawl again… this time from happiness i think… I shut them tigther still and then blink back the damnable things before letting her go. I smirk… “Eat something… ” I said and turn quickly looking around for nothing in particular.
[01:07] hajime: (OOC: you may end. LOL)
[01:08] hide: Leaving his arms… I catch a look in his eye before I turn away, smiling, to start on dinner. (OOC: end scene)