For days… I’ve heard nothing. Not since he disappeared that night at the theatre.
He came here for work as well, Hide… not just for you… he’s said it before, that -that- comes first… and it’s not always about you.
So I’ve made an effort to enjoy the time with my family – and I love them so much that it’s not an effort, really. Playing with the children. Talking with Hanako-san – and enjoying that we seem to be able to be close now. Watching how my brothers still act like little boys towards each other. Listening to Yuunosuke as he tells me what he’s been reading, or about his students, or his dream of going overseas to study. Tamasebouro shows me what he’s been working on all these years, his work on the Shinsengumi.
In this the past it always with me. But with the children… I can see there is a future.
“You’ve been quiet since you came back from being out with Saitou-san,” Tamaseburou observed, one afternoon, “He does not remind you – I mean…” he trails away. My family has always been so protective of me, afraid that the mention of Okita-san’s name will send me into a breakdown.
“No, no… ” I shake my head. “That’s not it at all…” I change the subject. While I am with others… I cannot let my thoughts dwell on Hajime.
This isn’t the first time work has kept him away from me… but I can’t quite shake the feeling… I must do something. Try to see him.
Telling my brother I’m going out shopping on my own, I walk back towards Kyoto. I will go to the ryokan – to see if he is there, or at least leave a note. I do not think that he would leave for Tokyo without me – or at least letting me know.[13:16] *** “hajime” signed off at Sun Feb 06 13:16:41 2005.
[15:11] hajime: (OOC he’s on the tatami sleeping.)
[15:12] hide: Starting: Once at the ryoken, I come to his door and hesitate a moment before knocking. If he is not here I will at least leave a note. I knock lightly on the door.
[15:13] hajime: A knock… I get up groggily from the floor and slide the door only a fraction first… before seeing her… “Come in.” Holding the door for her to enter.
[15:15] hide: Was he sleeping…? “Ah, hello, Hajime… if this is a bad time…?” I can come back later. I just wanted to see you. To know that you were still here…
[15:17] hajime: This isn’t the time for indecisions HIde… that’s what I want to tell her… But I leave the door open if she did want to come in. “Close it if you decide to enter.” I turn and head back to the cushion, sitting there looking at her.
[15:18] hide: -If- I decide to enter…? “I -want- to see you, Hajime.” I go inside, and close the door, and sit by him.
[15:20] hajime: “Did you eat yet? I just came back so there’s no food here.” I turn to her and look. “I can get something outside if you wait here.”
[15:22] hide: Just came back? “No, no, I’m not hungry… ” I shake my head. “But if you want something I can get it…” I should have brought something… but this is the disadvantage of not being at home… I couldn’t really make anything as I might have.
[15:24] hajime: “No… I don’t feel like eating…” That food at the hospital can make one more sick I think. I frown just slightly. “Sorry. I knew during dinner I said we were leaving a few days after…” Wait.. did I say that? I can’t remember. “I was detained.”
[15:27] hide: “Ah well you should eat… ” Well, I should listen to my own advice on -that-… “Maybe later…” I look over at him. “Detained? You said that you were here for work, ne? So … the unexpected is expected.” I laugh a little, nervously. Shaking my head a little, no…. “I guess I was worried…” I reach over and put my hand on his.
[15:30] hajime: Worried? I didn’t think of course she’d be. “Kyoto has a lot to offer, you should’ve distracted yourself.” She holds my hand and I flinch. It’s only been a few days since I wanted to gut that man from top to bottom. I narrow my eyes, I still have things to finish but no… not until. “How was the ending of the play?” Yes must think of something good to talk about?
[15:35] hide: His reaction to my touch…. was it only a few days ago… what has happened? “I have been distracting myself,” I smile. Trust me, I am -good- at that. Keeping busy not to think. “I have had a nice time with my family…” The play… ah. “I’m afraid I missed it, I went out to follow you but you were already gone. I went ahead on home.”
[15:37] hajime: “Damn it…” I mutter… I completely forgot about -that- too. “It’s good you went on ahead.” Letting go of her hand I reach with my left over the table where my cigarette was and lit up, making sure to turn so that my face is away from her as I flick a match with my right hand.
[15:41] hide: His reaction is puzzling… “No, it was fine. It was a nice play, thank you for taking me.” Not that I was paying -that- much attention. I want to ask… but he seems to be pushing me away again, and I never know what to do when he’s like that.
[15:43] hajime: “You are welcome.” I get up slowly… I need some air. Ah yes the back where the bath is there is some nice rock formations to sit on. “I’m going.” I nod over the door past the bedroom. “You can come if you want.”
[15:47] hide: Getting up, I follow him. “I would like to come,” I say, quietly. Everytime he pushes, I hold on tighter, it seems. “We have had nice weather in Kyoto since we arrived. I’m glad we came now.” I smile and sit on a rock.
[15:49] hajime: Leaning on the wall outside.. I sigh “I hate this place.” I tell her just out of the blue. Usually I’m not so vocal about it… Why am I even speaking? “Suma… it’s your home. I should watch what I say.” Looking down I let out the smoke slowly.
[15:52] hide: “Hate this place? Kyoto? No… it holds different memories for you…. yes, it was my home. So I have that, I guess… to balance out some of the other memories I have.” There were seventeen years of my life -before- the Shinsengumi after all. I look over at him. “Maybe we should go home soon? My family knows that this is a short visit.”
[15:57] hajime: I gaze at her… She loves this place I’m sure… Just like I am fond of Aizu and Akashi. But yes… I do want to leave. “Tomorrow would be good for you? You’ll have to pack.” I wish I could tell her we could stay longer and it’s not like I’ll not be here again soon. I just want to hold her right now but I can’t… And I just need her for my sake… it’s confusing. I take a longer drag and settle my eyes on the bamboo that fills the bath with water. That’s comforting at least.
[16:02] hide: I nod, getting up. “Yes, tomorrow will be good. Will we leave early?” I stand next to him, and smile. “I must get back to my garden, after all…” Again I take his hand… “Maybe … when we come back… you can come to my family’s house -with- me…” Now they know that we know each other, and are both in Tokyo… Maybe.
[16:05] hajime: She takes my hand… I’m glad for that. I hold on to it tightly. It seems like I hold onto these hands too much but I need her. She says we’ll come back here… Yes I have unfinished business here but I won’t make the same mistake again. But not… I should focus on us… Still staring at the bamboo as it falls I ask “What will you tell them?”
[16:08] hide: I smile, looking at the water. “I will tell them… that you wuold come to visit me and we would talk… and in time… the time we spent together… meant more and more to each other. That the best part of my day was when you would come through the gates at my house.” I look back over to him, glad that he is hold my hand back now. “That is how it -did- happen you know… it’s just already happened.”
[16:12] hajime: I turn to her slowly… I’m glad for that… I never did get to thank Saya for that. Ahou… I should smile… This is what I have wanted. What I want… But instead I just stare hard at her and grip her hand harder. “So we can pretend to be together?”
[16:15] hide: “Pretend?” My other hand goes to touch his face and rest on his cheek. “We -are- together, in our way… we just won’t have to pretend -not- to be.” I laugh a little. “It is difficult to call you Saitou-san, you know…”
[16:18] hajime: Difficult? Yes… I must push back thoughts that is not about us… I am with -her-. I smile slowly, digging the tip of my boot into the dirt. “Yes… I want that… I’d visit Kyoto more if it was like that.” Yes, even if I hate Kyoto and I still have to correct something here. “Saitou-san… Have I ever told you I hate it when you call me that. I’d rather you call me Saitou.”
[16:21] hide: “Just Saitou?” I smile and shake my head. “No, no, that wouldn’t be -polite-… and I would rather call you Hajime anyway.” I brush a finger over his lips that are now smiling. “My Hajime.” I whispher.
[16:26] hajime: Out of instinct I catch her finger with my free hand. I grimace slightly forgetting that I shouldn’t move so much. The grimace though was succesfully turned to a smirk. Letting go of her finger, I watch her intensely. If only I could.. right now. I close my eyes.. These things which she stirs in me is hard to calm down. “Hime-sama… You should get me something to eat. I’m exhausted.” that’s true I think… but I doubt i’d be exhausted if I was able to carry her back to the room.
[16:29] hide: The moment is lost… “Yes… I’ll be right back.” I turn to leave. “Any requests?”
[16:30] hajime: “The usual…” I grin.. still watching her as she leaves.
[16:31] hide: “Soba soba soba…” I teaste, shaking my head. “I will be right back.”
[16:32] hajime: Ah… How is it that she… can do this? To make me feel good again, even if I shouldn’t be at all? I go to the washroom for a few moments to inspect myself before going out to the living room waiting for her there.
[16:35] hide: I come back, balancing a tray. “I hope this will -do-…” I set the zaru soba down on the low table, along with the sauce. “It is not mine … ” I shrug. At least he seems less… dark than when I first got here. I have had to deal with his moods from work -there-… I settled down next to him, taking a bowl for myself.
[16:36] hajime: I quirk an eyebrow at that… “I thought I said I was hungry?” What is she doing taking a bowl for herself?
[16:37] hide: “If you’re going to eat,” I shrug again, a little smile playing on my lips as I look at him from the corner of my eyes. I set one in front of him. I was too… unsettled to eat earlier. And no breakfast again…
[16:39] hajime: Ah… Yes.. If – is the correct word… I smirk at that… before realizing I can’t properly feed myself… “Feed me.”
[16:42] hide: I think for a minute. “This will be harder than the fish that time,” I laugh, as I take some of the soba, dip it in the sauce and hold it close to his mouth.
[16:43] hajime: “no it won’t… i -promise- not to touch you.” I answer then take the long gray noodle *SLURP* then look back at her again.. I just can’t shake it off. “even if I really want to.”
[16:46] hide: “Mmmm… you must be hungry then,” I smile. We are now to the point where we can -finish- a meal now. Generally. I take more and hold it out for him, scooting a little closer so it doesn’t drip everywhere. “Than I shall behave too and not try to interfere with you getting some lunch…”
[16:49] hajime: “Hungry yes…” I answer her back while she feeds me. Of course she doesn’t know I usually speak in hidden tongues. She scoots near me and I do the same. I think I just want to be near her for -now-. But this will take some getting used to… Not being able to do whatever I want with her. Perhaps I can do at least… “I’m thirsty.”
[16:54] hide: “One moment…” Putting the dish down, I get up and come back in a moment with water for him and tea for me. “There,” I settle back next to him. “I was so set on finding soba…” I shake my head, laughing a little. “Should I do this for you as well?” I hold up the cup. “is that part of me feeding you?” I grin at him.
[16:57] hajime: Argh… I didn’t notice there was no drinks on the table so she leaves and I almost scowl at that. Thankfully she returns quickly and holds up the cup for me. “No it’s -not- part of it.” Thinks: I should just tell her what I want… *takes water and drinks quickly. then just sits there watching her*
[17:00] hide: Taking a sip of tea, I meet his eyes. “Still hungry?” I ask.
[17:01] hajime: *narrows eyes* “And if I was?” thinks: don’t go there ahou…
[17:03] hide: “Then I’ll keep feeding you…” I smile, trying not to think of -another- way to take this conversation.
[17:04] hajime: “No… I’m not hungry anymore…” thinks: just tell her! no don’t or she’ll find out. *groans*
[17:06] hide: “Ah.” I set my teacup down and rest my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes… thinking how I just like to be with him… how I need something so simple like this.
[17:09] hajime: When she rest her head on my shoulder, the pain travels from my left to my right. I squint just a bit and slowly edged away from her. “Ah yes I forgot there’s still some soba left.” *takes the chopsticks and dips it in the sauce not moving the bowl so the tsuyu drips on the tatami*
[17:11] hide: He moves away from him and I sit back up, watching him. “Hajime… are you okay?”
[17:12] hajime: “Hmm…” *smiles* “Of course… I just didn’t realize how hungry I was.” *chuckles nervously and eats more*
[17:16] hide: “Ah… okay.” I smile over at him… wondering. I start to eat my soba, watching him.
[17:18] hajime: Change subject… “When we get back to Tokyo… You should come with me. I want to buy a new katana.”
[17:20] hide: “A new one? Ah yes, of course I’ll come with you…” and make the writer madly jealous since she’s the one with the sword obsession. And when we get back to Tokyo… no, no. Wait. “Maybe it’s time to get a new tanto as well,” I smile.
[17:21] hajime: “Why have you used it lately?” I turn back to her. Did something happen when I was away? “How did you chip it?”
[17:22] hide: “Writer,” I laugh. “Well, I was trying the throwing thing… like the ninja girl.” I laugh a little at -that- failed experiment.
[17:23] hajime: *chuckles* Ah… Yes Misao… I didn’t get to visit her unfortunately but soon I think I’ve made arrangements with your writer. *grins*
[17:24] SafetyGirl0: “Oh yes I’ve -heard-…” I roll my eyes. “Well, she’ll have to give me lessons. Maybe I’ll get one of those little shinobi outfits for myself as well?”
[17:25] hajime: *looks back at her and scowls* No… I that will not be necessary… Haven’t she told you I bought her a kimono? I like women garbed properly.
[17:28] hide: “I was just going to wear it for -just- you… but I shall stick to my kimono and ocassionally that western dress.” I finish my tea.
[17:29] hajime: oh really? *looks at her suspiciously…* You sure you’re not wearing it for that blasted diminuitive samurai… Thinks: yes you know who I’m talking about. *takes a mouthful of soba*
[17:31] hide: Makes a face. “No,” I say, sharply. “What -I- do, -I- do for you.” It’s the old arguement again.
[17:33] hajime: “Hah! Not if he marries you…” *stands up and grabs the bowl but arms gives way and the bowl drops, soba spills on the tatami* “Chikuso!” *kicks the bowl and grimaces in pain*
[17:36] hide: “It’s not -me-” I whispher. “Not -me- when will you realize that? I am here because I love you and I need to be with you.” I stand up and go closer to him, taking a couple of breaths… not wanting to say anything rash or sharp. “Hajime… what’s wrong? Your arm?” Is that why he had me feed him?
[17:40] hajime: “No.. That arm is not important.” thinks: yeah so what now? *quickly moves to the washroom and takes out some rags then starts cleaning. furrowed brows as he takes the soba noddles by the hand and scrub the tatami with his left* “Tomorrow we’ll be back to Tokyo. You should get ready.”
[17:45] hide: I kneel over next to him. “No, no… let me get it.” I can’t seem to be able to hold on to the lighter moments today. Something… no. “I’ll go shortly… but first… I guess I will meet you on the train then? Or I could tell my brothers that you were going back today as well, and agreed to escort me back…” I smile a little, “they would like that, I think, to know that I’m not traveling alone.”
[17:50] hajime: “Yes… -that’s- fine. tell them that.” thinks: whatever you want to tell them. “Be ready at noon.” *picks up the broken pieces of china. Mutters…* “Do you want me to call you a carriage today?”
[17:53] hide: “I shall, than… setting a foundation, after all.. for the next time.” It is a bit of a lie to tell but there is a lot of truth in there. “No, I don’t need a carriage, I like to walk, on a day like this.” I stand, looking at him.
[17:55] hajime: “It’s a nice day out. You should enjoy it.” I reply to her curtly and head to the garbage outside. dumping the soba, I take the note out and dump it as well. Time for a smoke.
[18:00] hide: “I will… ” I watch him start to smoke… again, seeming to draw back into himself, pushing me away. “Walk with me down by the river a little, first? I know I shall see you tomorrow but I have missed being with you,” I smile over at him.
[18:03] hajime: “Fine.” I walk slightly ahead of her. Everything just went wrong I think. My mission.. our trip here.. even the small things. Well what’s new? I should be used to this by now. I just want one thing to be right at least. I pick up my pace, the sooner we’re there the faster Hide can go back to the Yagi’s. It is better for her there.
[18:04] hide: I walk, trying to keep up. “Hajime, wait for me… ” Don’t run away from me. I reach for his hand.
[18:05] hajime: I stop just as the river came to view. “What did you want to see here?” I ask my voice clipped.
[18:06] hide: “Nothing to -see-… ” I frown. “I just wanted a little more time with you. I guess that sounds silly.” I try to laugh a little but it’s a strange sound.
[18:08] hajime: “You even try to laugh when you really don’t want to.” I turn back to her observing.
[18:12] hide: “Ah… you can always see right through me…” I shake my head and smile, and remember… my promise to -tell- him things. “I just… didn’t want to go today leaving things like this. I -know- we will have good days and bad days, I -know- it’s not going to be easy… but….” I sigh. “I will be glad to be home again.”
[18:14] hajime: Home… Yes… But I can’t stay there. I frown at the thought. “Come Hide…” I hold out my left hand to her. “Let’s talk.”
[18:15] hide: I take his hand. “Yes…”
[18:19] hajime: I lead her as we walk the riverside. The sun is way up in the horizon but it’s not hot… It is not typical Kyoto weather from what I remember but that’s good. “Today… Just like the other day at the play. I wanted you. But I got shot the night before and it hurts like hell.” I sigh. Yes I made a mistake… “My fuse is quite short when things go wrong…”
[18:24] hide: “Shot? Are you – Now?” I grip his hand slightly tighter than I should, my eyes open wide, “Oh, Hajime… I knew something was -wrong-…. I know you can be… moody but I’m … me.. and I have to keep trying to chase that away.” I look up at him. “You’ve let someone see too it, right? Is it your arm?”
[18:31] hajime: “As I’ve said that’s not important… The only reason I’m telling you is I can’t explain kicking that stupid bowl.” I look down at her she seems worried. “I killed them, but failed to capture one for questioning.” Ah yes and Saya.. that is where my blunder came in. “but.. that’s not the point… I can’t hear you right now with regards to Souji… It is not something you can answer for me. It is something I have to see for myself…” Yes pragmatic has always been a bad trait of mine. “I can’t believe you because I don’t know who the person I met back then was… I’ll bring it up many times of course, I’m stubborn that way. Just don’t add to it. You can even keep quiet when you get tired of it.” I let go of her hand and scowl just a bit, my collar bone is hurting I think. Damn it.
[18:38] hide: “If you cannot believe me… then I will have to show you the only way I know how to… by staying by your side -here-.” I look up at him, seeing his scowl. “There are things that bind us together… and always remember that I love you.” I step closer to put my arms around him, to hold him. So we’re outside… I don’t -care-. “And as for wanting… you were not alone the other night… or earlier…. I will just have to take care of you until you are recovered and then…” I grin.
[18:43] hajime: “Binds us…” I mutter. I can’t believe in such things either. “I’ll think of that when I sleep but you know, faith is… a lot of people lose faith. I think.” She puts her arms around me and I tug at her to let go. “Don’t my right shoulder…” I grimace again. “Sumanai..” Looking down at her once again, I hold her face. “You will at least let me touch you and kiss you right when we get -home-?”
[18:47] hide: I step back, “ah, sorry… ” I meet his eyes. “But yes, you may touch me and kiss me all you wish at -home-.” And when we are home… in the garden… “Of course, you may do that here, or on the train…” I smile.
[18:52] hajime: I flick the cigarette towards the river. “Then I’ll do that right here.” I step towards her and pull her close to me. Bending down I take her lips for a very long moment. I still love her after all. “You know… I was thinking for a while that maybe all this wasn’t worth it… Because even if all you do is make me happy, loving you hurts.” I smile a bit. “But… I still think it’s worth it.”
[18:59] hide: I meet his kiss, and then say, “I hope… to always make it worth it for you… even when it hurts… I’ve never stopped loving you, or wished that it had never happened… it is worth it to me. What I get from you, with you… ” I look deeply into those amber eyes for what seems like a little bit of forever, and I touch his cheek. “is worth it,” I say, softly, and bring my lips back to his.
[19:04] hajime: The second kiss I think is always sweeter than the first… I wonder why? Ah… It really doesn’t matter as I lose myself in her -again-. Letting her go slowly, I gaze for a moment and then cleared my throat. Time flies I think… “I’ll walk you home.” Not letting go of her hand I head first. At least I got to tell her what I had wanted to on our first night here. The rest… Will take time but I promised her I will try. (OOC: you may end)
[19:08] hide: We walk back, hand in hand, to my brother’s house, and I leave him at the gate with questions and concerns still… but thinking that maybe today we made a step towards facing some of the shadows that try to threaten what we have… “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” I smile at him, before going back through the gates. (OOC – end scene)