Idealism is not the only reason for death

“Saitou… May I speak with you?”
I glance up from the sake cup at the mention of my name. “Yes Hijikata-san?”
While he explained the “situation” revolving around Itou and the Kodaji, I find myself half listening. I had left with Itou’s group to spy on him for Hijikata, and it is no surprise I knew what was going to be next.
“Do you understand? We must get rid of him before he further divides the Shinsengumi.” He finished looking at me with those demon eyes.
It has been a while since Hijikata and the Kyokuchou spoke… Not after what happened to Yamanami-san. I had heard that he tried to escape and Souji was sent to “retrieve” or kill him. That day I made a choice to go out on patrol, I did not want to get involved. I respected Yamanami just like the rest and I know, it must’ve killed Souji when he received the order from the Fukuchou. There is a rumor that the heads of the Shinsengumi were being split by Itou, which led to Yamanami’s decision to leave. But what happened after he came back was most startling, he had been ordered to commit seppuku.
That has bothered me for a while… Not really knowing why they would chose to dispose of Yamanami even after he came back. There was rumor that Hijikata and Yamanami did not get along and from what I saw this was true even before Itou arrived. Although I do not care for rumors, morale has gone down quite a bit in the ranks… They all thought that the Fukuchou manuevered his way to get rid of an “obstacle”. During the time, I kept low and did not wish to speak with any of them especially Kondou-san. I did not think it was just decision. I thought Kondou-san knew better. I figured the arrangement created a check and balance within the Shinsengumi but then with Yamanami gone, the balance toppled.
And now this… Itou is to be killed by my own hands according to Hijikata and he stands there waiting for an answer. But I will not give him one, so I continued to stare and finally raised my sake cup. Not that it meant anything, definitely not an agreement or lack thereof. He grinned and said that I had always done a “clean” job, and that he will be expecting the same this time around.
Doubts… Many of my comrades say I am a man without it. But the truth is, there are many doubts to be overcome before I even act. They only see my work… Not the thoughts underlying it. Once I determine the reason and time is right, then there is no hesitation… That is what they see.
Days passed and I had not made up my mind. Maybe that is why after reporting to Hijikata that night, the Kyokuchou himself found me on the engawa…
“Saitou-san…”
“Hai?”
“Did Hijikata speak with you?”
“Hai…” Standing up I face the man who helped me a few years back.
“May I ask…” He pauses and shifts his gaze to meet mine. “What is troubling you?”
“Kyokuchou… Have we strayed?” I narrow my eyes at him.
“No…” His answer did not waver.
“Then why Yamanami.. and now Itou?” I say disgustedly.
“You know of Itou’s works? He has formed the Kodaji party to split the Shinsengumi.”
Kondou-san seems puzzled.
“Hai… But I will not lift up this katana again until I am confident that this is not the same with Yamanami-san.” I wait for his reply, certain that he would scowl and had me commit seppuku for not obeying orders.
“You think that we killed Yamanami for unjust purposes?” The Kyokuchou replied with a forlorn look on his face.
“Hai.. He came back.. And as far as I know, he was going to stay.” I try to control the rising intonation of my voice.
I think he searched my face again… The same as I was searching his for sincerity.
“Iie. He did not want to stay… He had stated flatly that he would run away again if given the chance and you know our rules…”
“Hai…” I reply not convinced.
“Saitou… The rumors are untrue. Hijikata and Yamanami did not get along well but that did not lead to his demise. Yamanami died with conviction and saved the Shinsengumi… And you know that Itou does not share the same ideals we do, the times call for a strong unity if we are to succeed.”
Strong unity? Isn’t that what happened with Yamanami? You and Hijikata got rid of him because he did not share the same ideals… It would be easier to lead without Yamanami… So the Shinsengumi will get rid of those who does not share the same opinion…
My hands started to form a fist and at that moment I knew I will report the leaders of the Shinsengumi to Matsudaira. Kondou was not being up front with me. So unlike the person who I met back then and followed to Kyoto. Kondou Isami completely lost the meaning of makoto.
I think he noticed I did not take well to his explanation because he turned his back saying I do not need to do something I do not believe in… That I was now relieved of the order to assasinate Itou.
That’s fine… But doesn’t that mean I have to kill myself? Because I do not share the same ideals… That’s absurd and hypocritical. Isn’t shidou, the way to live a life with conviction and improve oneself? It did not state that one ideal was correct, only that you live your life as you thought was correct. In a couple of days when I return, I expected to commit seppuku but that never happened. And in a few days I heard Itou was assasinated on the way back from Kondou-san’s abode.
Immediately the night after Itou’s killing Hijikata came and talked to me. I was to leave the Shinsengumi as soon as possible and he gave me enough money to live up north. That was fine. I no longer wanted to be part of the Shinsengumi.
Bidding me goodbye that night, Hijikata shook his head in frustration.
“If only Kondou waited, then I’m sure you would have done the job cleanly. The man needs to be guided… Now there is a leak that he had Itou assasinated. Of all the times to assasinate a man, he couldn’t have picked a better time don’t you think? Only an imbecile would not put it together.. A dinner invitation by Kondou… Itou leaving his house and then getting assasinated..”
I nod my head in realization. The man I knew back then was still the same. Looking at the generous amount of money Hijikata gave me I turn to ask…
“Who’s idea was this to have me leave?”
“Maa… Kondou thought that since we assigned you leave with Itou and spy on him… You essentially left the Shinsengumi. Although that is quite far from the truth, we of course cannot have you back here…” The fukuchou laughed quietly “Otherwise we’d ask you to commit seppuku just to enforce the laws of the Shinsengumi. But that money he put aside for you should be enough for you to live a new life. Do not come back Saitou-kun it would be troublesome.”
I bow to Hijikata-san and left… As I found myself further from the compound, I found myself thinking more of it.
Secrets… The Shinsengumi were full of secrets, that is why I am to leave… But I will come back if they need me. I have made a mistake. The code of Makoto and Shidou was not lost to the Shinsengumi after all.
(OOC: Although there are some sites saying that Saitou did kill Itou, from what I gather from various readings.. This was never established. Only unnamed men assasinated him that night leading to the Kodaji massacre where Todou Heisuke died. The Kodaji massacre I believe Saitou did not take part in it the belief is he was asked to leave the Shinsengumi as soon as his spy work was done.)