No. It’s a not true that I’ve been looking at her. I only liked the idea because maybe I needed something else aside from the “passion” and “neediness” that came out during that time. Maybe I wanted to tell myself I wasn’t really that kind of man. The kind who couldn’t love someone. Who’d exchange his wife for the sake of old memories, pride and what I ornamentally call “love of country”. Oh did I love my wife? I did… Deeply so… Did I desire her? Wanted a life with her? Wanted to be happy with our children and future? Of course I did. But wanting isn’t the same as trying… While I should’ve been “trying” I decided to indulge in a woman who seemed to like me, at the very least we had something to talk about… Old friends… But honestly I was tired on waiting on my wife and tired of not being welcome or maybe even cooked for. But yes I am what they call a user in modern day terms. I used this woman for her body, her mind, her time… It’s true I was just using her maybe that’s why I wanted a past that I actually looked at her, noticed her… But it’s true what she said, I wouldn’t have and never did. Basically there -is- no past to speak of between us. Just people we both knew and a few places we’ve both been. It was just an excuse I concocted not out of love for her but to ease my guilty conscience. I don’t really think she belongs with me anyway… Without Makoto, I don’t think we would’ve even tried again. But we have a child together that we both love, so we somehow try to stay together. But had we been without Makoto? Our future would have been doomed in less than year. Now that I think back before Makoto was born we didn’t even finish Spring.
Sometimes I think it would’ve been better had Souji stayed alive. Whether in her world or the one I came from. Why is that you ask? Then I can have proof of how she really felt about us. What if he treated her much better than I did or could? What if that one in the wilderness didn’t disappear and loved her as she hoped he would. Ah I was so angry at him when he toyed with her, or rather her “sister”. Fine, there were two of them, one who came and waited for Souji and eventually looked for him and then the one I met who said Souji freed her and made her believe in all things like being a hopeful creature. If her Souji was such a man, then why wouldn’t I worry? Should I be glad that she’s insisting he’s dead? What if he was alive? I’d rather see the truth for myself. Could she say those things had he lived and kept true to her? Quite honestly, I think that part of her who is “forever a young girl lost in the thrill of first love”, might not be so lost anymore. It would’ve been doubtful if she’ll even listen to my complaints. No one did. I do think that she would act like her “sister” and not offer me any tea. I guess I should be fair in this, she could say, well what if your wife did care for you? Did what a dutiful wife would do? I’ll probably be exactly as she is with Souji. Not notice her at all. I guess it’s all fair game. The only difference now is for each passing day I choose who I want to be with because there is a choice. But her, does she have any choice to go back to her dream? No because he’s dead. She’s stuck here with me… She’ll keep around because of Makoto as well.
I don’t know. There’s no use thinking about it. After all everytime I open my mouth I seem to say the wrong things. And everytime I hoped to have a conversation with her, she never seems to understand when I need to talk. I’m not angry at her… I’m not blaming her for all this. After all it was I who initiated it. Who kept on with it. Who wasn’t careful with her. I’m just sad that our love can’t compare to the old ones we’ve had in our lives. Her love for me will never compare to his special love… And my love for her, can never be as pure as when I first loved my wife. But we both have neither of those now, so we’re left with each others company. It wasn’t even a choice we could make. We were just two people who had too many loses and took comfort in each other and deceive ourselves into thinking ours was of the “special” kind.
Internal monologues
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ5N4-X_HWU
I’ll be waiting for you. Please come see me.
*looks surprised*
What are you doing here? I knew it would be a problem if I post my private thoughts here.
*looks at her and sighs*
Did I worry you? There is a reason why I posted this up but it is not because I am still upset.
Your private thoughts matter.
Yes, you worry me. You always see Souji between us, to me he’s something in my past. I see Tokiko as something that is still with you but never -between- us, not since I made the choice long ago not to feel -bad- for what I was doing with a married man. Because I love him, I could make him happy and that he deserved every bit of happiness that was mine to give and create for him. And that I deserved what he could give to me. You made me a better person…
I wish you were letting me go to Aizu with you. I wish I could fight for you, by your side, when it matters.
And you know, I -could- go back. I can bend time and space, after all, you showed me. And I do all this to be with -you-. I could have made him live, or stayed fifteen forever. I never have. I never -considered- it. But instead, I am closing into -40- and having a -wonderful- life, with you, and meeting you in Tokyo and the city of glass and steel and I’m sure one day you’ll end up taking me to the moon.
A past, in the old days… You were my protector when I was vulnerable. You kept my secret. And then when it was out… I hardly saw you anymore. They told me you had a woman and she was -beautiful-. You scared me a little then, you were so -intense- – but I admired you so much… perhaps I should have asked. Perhaps you should have said something. Perhaps those days weren’t -our- time. Perhaps we had to see other things in our life to appreciate what we could be to one another. That’s what I always believed… because neither of us were using the other. You weren’t filling a hole in an old road. You were creating new paths in my life, showing me a beautiful world.
But I belong to you -now-, and for all time. Your lap is where I want to sit for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with you, with our children around us – children we have that are the -proof- of our bond, not an excuse to create a bond.
These thoughts, are they recent? Or is this something old you post? *looks down* I know I’ve not been attentive lately. My writer is a bad housekeeper and is paying the price for that. I should show you more that you are on my mind. Perhaps that’s why you doubt me so much. I don’t take care of you like I should, and I know I’m letting someone down in our agreement.
I love you -most-. And as I said at New Years, it looks like I’ll be spending the rest of my life trying to convince you. I can’t answer all your questions, and I certainly can’t answer other people’s doubts from other lives. I just live mine to the best I can.
This was old. When we had our fight in the city of glass…
I tend to write my thoughts down so I can look at them again when I’m not -consumed- by them. It is the only way for me to gain perspective at times. To see how far of an idiot I’m being at that time or have become. To see what I’ve been doing wrong. To see sort out what’s the problem and figure out a solution for it.
I didn’t want to post it here but I needed a place to keep all these things where the ahou would not lose them. I thought you would not look, after all I did mark it as private. So am I to assume you’ve read every single one I’ve put up here? They are embarassing thoughts don’t pay no mind to them.
As for being attentive, I’ve been more inattentive than you ever have. I know you remember those days. I do think you love. I told you I believe you… That is why I am trying to figure out what is wrong with -me-.. Not you.
Did you ever hear this song? Do you know how many times I’ve thought about it? And yet I’m here… It is something I want to understand.
http://www.imeem.com/turner65/music/LLDhwjzZ/david-ruffin-walk-away-from-love/
I write down my thoughts, sometimes, as a way of sorting out my own thoughts. Or for dreaming of our future… However, it’s in fragile mediums, but it’s where I store records of our times together as well.
I’ve read what is here, and I’m glad for the insight, even if it’s so raw and real that it -hurts-. You are a -deep- man, Hajime, and you keep a lot to yourself. You can always read me so well… I’m rather expressive. *sighs*
As for your song… it’s natural to want to protect oneself. What do you think I was doing all those years ago? What’s the modern expression – “quit before you get fired”? In work perhaps that’s a good idea, but in people? Ah… not so much. Give us both a little more credit. I’ll hurt you as we go old and gray, and I’m sure you will hurt me – but that’s what makes making up all the much sweeter. Makoto came from that, you remember… and remember how good New Year’s was this year? *smiles*
Don’t think of the end… don’t think of saying goodbye… stop spending -our- time together thinking of that! You say you believe me… then trust in me, in us, in -you-, please? I am going to grow -old- with you and love you every moment of it.
Ah Hide… I should be very angry with you.
*shakes head but comes over and takes her by the waist*
You know at work, I burn every single piece of paper… But here I can’t seem to get rid of anything. *grins at her as he looks down on her face* I’ve been careless so I won’t be angry this time… It’s rather useless because I can’t stay angry at you for a long time anyway.
*bends down to kiss her deeply*
I’m still here aren’t I? Just because I think it… Or maybe even speak it… Doesn’t mean I -mean- it. *squeezes her waist and then takes another kiss*
Kami… *shakes head* I don’t want you to see me with gray hair, a crinkled face and sagging skin. *grins at her* As I’m sure you don’t want to be seen like -that- either.
So… Take a rest and go to sleep. *kisses her forehead* And try not to invade my privacy next time.
(OOC: you may close)
Well they say lovers are sentimental… and I have a number of mementos. *laughs* You know, it’s hard to dry a tulip, but I couldn’t give those up?
I know you’re angry… but being -slow- I need a little help. I’m sorry.
*kisses him back*
Well I think we will be a very -attractive- older couple. Perhaps a little gray, but you’ll be nice and lean still. *grins* And we’ll be kissing on the porch and embarrassing the grandchildren…
You get some sleep to… and you know where you sleep best. *smiles as she walks back to futon-san*
(OOC: Close)